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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi guys, I need your help.....My boyfriend and I have been together for the last year and a half and we own a home together. We have talked marriage and were planning to get engaged this coming fall. I have smoked for the last 10 years. I decided to quit in July under some pressure from my boyfriend and a tightening of the budget. I have had some slips and recently my boyfriend said that if I start smoking we are over. He is 32 and figures that his clock is ticking and he does not want the mother of his children to smoke. I understand his point and would never smoke if I was pregnant. Given that ulitmatum I chose him because we are a fantastic match in every other way. Last night he found a pack of cigarettes that I have been sneaking smokes from. He says he is upset because I did not come to him for help. The fact of the matter is that I wanted a cigarette and I could not go to him for help without a big fight. Never the less a big fight ensued and he lost his temper. He was yelling and broke one of the cupboards as well. After he calmed down I told him that he had scared me and he apologized and said that he would never ever hit me. (which he hasn't) I feel like I am being controlled. I don't know if it is the fact that I want to keep smoking or I want somebody who will love me and want to marry me with no conditions. I am not doing anything illegal and the person I am hurting when I smoke is myself. I noticed this morning that he has thrown out all of the lighters in the house and even went as far as to get rid of the lighter in my car. I love him so much but is he going overboard? I feel like there is no room for me to fail. Is he being controlling?
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (27 August 2006):
 Hi dearie,
I think there are some individuals who truly detest smoking and that is why u have all this notices in some public places. I am afraid he seems to be one of them.
The question you have to ask yourself is if u really want to give up smoking or u are having a hard time doing it?These are two different questions.If u dont want to then u have to be straight with him. If you are having a hard time and want to quit then let him in. it is possible to quit regardless of what some people might say becos i have friends who have actually quit and they have been on it for years.It's all about u though so ask yourself these questions.
Also,I would have suggested a form of compromise whereby he let's you smoke, but maybe outside the house becos that is the same way my boyfriend and i handle the issue since he smokes and i am not to inhale fumes for my health reasons. I really am not sure if he will agree on this becos he really seems smitten by smoking.
I guess you guys have to sit down and talk about this. i am sure u can both work on this.
Take care of yourself now and all the best dear.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (27 August 2006):
 I can understand why he was angry - he trusted you to quit and caught you having a sly ciggy. As an ex-smoker I can tell you that quitting is not easy but you must get every cigarette out of the house, the car and away from you so you are not tempted during a craving. I am not saying it is acceptable that he lost it in the way he did but he is angry because he knows smoking is bad for your health and wants to keep you healthy! He just has a funny way of showing his love if you like. You are not the only person affected by smoking - he is a passive smoker. Get some nicotine replacement patches and try to give up for you, not for him. You need to talk to him about the perceived control issues but don't think he loves you conditionally - he is with you as a smoker, he just would prefer you to be a nonsmoker. He is clearly good for your health, the cigarettes are clearly bad for your health...not a tough choice eh?
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