A
female
age
41-50,
*oxy1
writes:Im 25 and i am really scared of sex, i was abused when i was a teenager by a family member and physically and mentally abused by an ex boyfriend. it has always affected my relationships with men past and presant. I ve recently meet a lovely guy and we ve been casually going out now for a few weeks. nothing sexual has happened yet but i'm thinking about ending it before anything sexual happens because i just go all frigid and panic and feel so stupied in the process. i have had sexual partners but i can never quite relax and let go. i don't enjoy sex, but i really like this guy and worried i'm gonna blow it cos of my issues. I'm too proud to seek professional help and i don't like talking about my past. if anyone has got any ideas to help me i would be eternally gratefu. i don't fancy growing into an old celebate spinister!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): if there is love and trust it will ease, i went out with a girl who had been raped, when i met her she would freak out if anything touched her neck after we got to know one another trust grew and i could place my hands on the side of her neck without issue because she knew she was safe with me. if he likes you and respects you he will respect the fact that you feel like this and wait till you feel comfortable with intimasy of any sort.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): That's a great reply from Beckto. I would only add that if you do decide to find a therapist that you find one that specialises in this kind of problem and one in the private sector rather than on the NHS.
I really hope you don't break things up with your guy; you deserve a happy relationship and I genuingly feel a therapist can help you in getting to that place. All the best with whatever you decide to do OK?
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A
female
reader, Beckto  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Well, what you want is to move beyond the abuse and feel more normal, right? What you want is to have a loving relationship with someone and get to the point where you can enjoy sex?
But, you're too "proud" to go to a therapist? What does that mean? Do you think that therapists don't know what they're doing, even though many of them go through as much college training as medical doctors? Do you think therapists don't help people? Do you think that your situation is too complicated that a therapist can't help? Do you think that random people on a well-meaning website have better advice than a professional therapist????
I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are very misguided. If you aren't going to see a therapist, and therefore not talk about your issues, then you will not get better. You will not get to the point in your life that you supposedly want to get to.
If you keep doing the same things and ending up with the same bad outcome, why keep doing it? Why not try something different? You continue to avoid your problems (problems that are not your fault, but you nevertheless have to buck up and deal with them now), and you continue to have relationship problems.
Many people have been sexually abused, and many of those people who seek therapy find that they can have healthy, normal lives after some work. I am one of those people who are not haunted daily by my abuse because I sought the right kind of help.
What happened to you is not your fault, no matter how it happened. Sexually abusing a child is one of the worst things an adult can do. Somehow as a child you fell through the cracks, and should have been put in therapy at the time. But now you're not a child any more. Now you're an adult and you have to take care of yourself. Sometimes you have to do things that are difficult, yet are good for you.
You're not "proud" just scared, which is very understandable. It's hard to go back and revisit traumatic events in the past. But, the only way things will change for you is if you let a professional lead you to mental well-being.
Swallow your pride, and do something good for yourself.
PM me if you want.
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A
female
reader, roxy1 +, writes (26 July 2007):
roxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you so much for your advice, much appreciated.
xx
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 firstly im sorry about wat has happened to you - no one deserves that and i admire you for being so brave. i dont think that you should break up with this new guy because of wat has happened to you. first of all i think that you should tell this guy - not everything but just that you had a rough past and you want to take things slow. he should understand and respect this. second of all i know its hard to talk about it with a stranger but i do think that you should organise to go to a counsellor - it will help and talking about it will help you get past it instead of locking it up. i would love to give you more advice about this as i have had experience with something similar and i think i could help you. email me to talk hun, and dont worry you wont end up an old spinster!! xxx
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