| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: This is no doubt a very common problem, but I always fall for the 'bad boy', and as I result I always end up getting hurt. There are guys I know who are totally into me who are really nice guys, and that are very compatable with me, but I'm just not interested. I like exciting guys who do stupid things, someone who I can have real fun with. For example, my ex bf was a 17-year-old coke addict who got expelled from school, and ended up getting into fist fights with whoever came his way. He carried a knife wherever he went, and he was put in a young offenders prison for his violence. I'm pretty sure he's killed someone before, as in just leaving them to bleed to death after beating them up. The problem is I can't choose who it is that I fall for. Is there nothing I can do to make more sensible decisions?
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male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (9 December 2006):
 The answer to this one lies within yourself. What is it about these guys that make you happy? Fear? Adrenaline? Power?
I used to carry guns when I was younger, that was for totally different reasons and was never to cause menace. I carried for defensive purposes and am licensed. If somebody was attracted to me for the particular reason that I was always armed, I would be extremely worried.
I think you need to look to yourself and try to ascertain the type of lifestyle you are looking for. If it is one of danger, then it will be short lived. Take it from someone who has been shot at many times, not something you easily forget.
Think about what you really want from a relationship and then your attitude to guys will be a more positive one.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2006): yes! grow up! thats not meant to be nasty, you are already on the road. the very fact you have asked for advice on how to break this destructive cycle in your life shows you are. the only one who can make this decision to steer clear of unsuitable guys is you and it sounds like you want to. so do it! you are right to say this is a common problem. there are many people much older than you who still make bad decisions and furthermore, they do it consciously! dont let yourself fall into that trap. you could end seriously hurt in the future due to a guy (in hospital, in a wheelchair, in jail or even worse!).no, you cant help who you fall for, but you do have the power to decide against the wrong ones. take the strength of character now that you want to follow you through your life and there is nothing you cannot achieve. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (9 December 2006):
 You choose who you fall for. It's a lie that is perpetuated as an excuse that love is an accident and not a choice.
Now to why your choosing wrong: 95% of women have been victimized by a man in their life (mentally, verbally, physically, sexually, and abandonment). Many unknowingly are looking to replay the incident, over and over again. So they say they're attracted to bad boys. Yet in this sense they're not attracted to the guy but to the bad situation that will unfold.
Just remember 'there is no Love without investing time'. 'Infatuation can come on strong but it also leaves, and leaves nothing of substance'. 'Cheating starts with the first investment of any time with the wrong person'.
So make the choice to date only nice guys, invest your time in them and sooner or later you will fall for a great guy. It is a great joy to know that your heart and mind agree.
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A
female
reader, Nikita +, writes (9 December 2006):
 Dear Anon,
You're right when you say this is a very common problem. There's just something about a bad boy that attracts women. Maybe they seem more macho in some way but of course, as you've discovered, the risk is that you will end up getting hurt in some way. There is no magical potion that you can take that will stop you from being attracted to these sort of boys but there is something you can do as regards to being with them. You have to value yourself more and believe that you are worth more than what these boys give you which is nearly always grief. When I was younger I was exactly like you and always went for the unsuitable men and I always got hurt. Its a pattern that I managed to escape from. I took time out and just went out with my friends and enjoyed myself. I met men of course but I stayed friends with them and never got involved. Eventually i met a really nice guy. He wasn't boring in the least. he just wasn't bad.
Nicer boys are going to appear boring after the boys you've been going out with but they're not all boring and you can find a happy medium by finding someone who enjoys doing exciting stuff but not bad stuff. there is a big difference. So go for exciting and nice but not bad and dangerous! There's plenty of boys out there for you to make the right choice with next time. Good Luck okay and I hope you meet someone right for you. Take care.
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