A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I need some help!I have been with my husband for 9 1/2 years, married 4 1/2. We have a 3 year old son together. Things had been fine up until about the summer when I decided that I was bored, and told my husband that I wanted to move out for a while. I was at a gas station one day in August, and I met this guy. We started texting and became friends quickly. My husband went on a vacation in august, and this new guy and I started seeing eachother and hanging out. Well within that week, we had sex. When my husband came back from his vacation, he went and got a restraining order on me, because he was scared I would take our son and leave. At that point, I ended up moving in with my new guy friend (although my husband thinks hes JUST a friend). So I have continued to sleep with that guy. I LOVE my husband, but I also have VERY strong feelings for this other guy, and I dont want to hurt him. My husband wants to take things slow, and work things out, but he has no clue what Ive done. In my mind, I want another baby with my husband at some point and I want to be in love with him. I do love him, Im just not in love with him. I want my old life back.Life with the other man has been nice. More freedom, fun and the sex is great. But I really don't know what to do. I dont want to throw 9 1/2 years away and the relationship with my husband forever. But right now, Im not ready to be intimate with my husband. What have I done? I have no clue what I should even do!?!?I want my old life back, but I dont want the new man in my life to be hurt, he tells me how hurt he would be and he's been the one to take care of me for several months now. Ive still been living with him. I cry everytime I even think about leaving him. Please help me!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2008):
 I'm sorry, but you have to be very honest with yourself. You moved out because you were bored? But you love your husband? Why did you move out, really? Boredom is not really the answer here, is it? There's something else going on here. You were bored because.... he didn't satisfy you in bed. He didn't know how to communicate with you. He stopped growing as a person. He did the same things every day, without deviation. He didn't make your heart go 'zing' anymore.
The other guy is a problem, obviously. But be realistic. Someone is going to get hurt in this, and it's possibly going to be all three of you. I don't think there's any way around that fact.
Come clean with your husband, and with the new guy. Frankly, I think you need to move out of your current situation, and try to live on your own for a while, instead of using either man as a crutch. Maybe you need to get reacquainted with yourself and what it is you want from a relationship. So please try to stop thinking with your hormones or your infatuation and start really being honest with yourself and the men in your life. Even if it causes upset and hurt, because no matter what, there is going to be upset and hurt, and you might as well get the whole thing started. You can't play ostrich forever, and if you manage the revelations to both of them, isn't that better than their finding out on their own? Oh dear, you really are in a mess. So why did you put yourself in that mess? Answer that question, and you'll know what to do.
And where is your son? Is he living with you? He's got to know something's very strangely wrong and that you're not happy with things the way they are.
Good luck with what is going to be a very difficult time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): I'll say this again...life is boring if you make it boring. Don't you have dreams, hopes, hobbies, interests for your life? This is a Big world, you could've put your 'energy' into doing things you've dreamed about as a little girl. (I'm 40, and want to take singing lessons:) Couldn't you have spiced up your sex life with your husband? He's definetly the BETTER man. Just knowing your 'boyfriend' would sleep with another mans wife tells me he's low. How can you trust a man like that? A relationship based on deceit isn't very hopeful. I think you've done some major damage to your marriage, and your husband will find out eventually...plus there's a GOOD chance he will end the marriage and move on with his life. A last thought: if you feel something missing in your life, there's a place in your heart only Faith can fill.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 December 2008):
Your husband is probably lovely and yes you've had some long great times together, but I think you are in denial here.
You don't want to have sex with your husband, let alone be with him. Just because you respect him as a good friend and father doesn't mean he is the right life partner for you.
You are living with another guy who you really like. Just because your husband has done nothing wrong doesn't mean you should stay with him. You've moved in with another man! That doesn't say much for your feelings for your husband.
Tell him you have met someone else and it will be horrible but you can't keep lying and hurting both of them.
Make a choice and stick with it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): You don't need my help - you're making as big a mockery of your marriage as it's possible to do, all on your own and without any help.
If you loved your husband you wouldn't behave like this, so I doubt that you do. If you loved him, he would be the one you don't want to hurt, not the other guy.
Help you? You must be joking. You're doing fine as it is.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (3 December 2008):
 Wow - you are in a bit of a pickle!! Okay, since you say you love your husband and dont want to end the marriage, that is your answer - go to couples counselling with the idea that you will really work hard at your marriage. Even if you are not living with your husband, maybe he could 'date' you, and take things really slowly. What you are experiencing with the other guy is LUST! The other guy set himself up for heartache when he started an affair with you - a married woman. If you are really committed to hanging onto your marriage you are going to have to break up with the other guy and cut all contact with him. Its not going to be easy but you must try. You say that you 'want your old life back' fair enough, but you must understand that because of your actions it will take a very long time to repair the damage that has been done. And 'being bored' is not a reason for separating from your spouse. Sorry if I am harsh here but life is a bitch and its about to bite you back!
Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, groudon185p  +, writes (3 December 2008):
I know I'm not old and know much about marriage but just go with who-ever you love stronger, If you love your husband more tell him it was a mistake and make a promise to not do such a thing again, Tell him you love him more but this man Overpowered you ( I don't mean like pressured into something but like you could not resist) as you know love works in odd ways and can control an entire person. :-)
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