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anonymous
writes: My husband is mad about cars. Since we have been married (nearly thirteen years)he has changed his car about twelve times. This may seem ok but everytime he upgrades the car and gets a larger loan so in essence the car we have at present is costing us nearly twenty thousand pounds. The last time he exchanged his car I said that it would have to be the last time until we pay off most of the loan but lo and behold he has done it once more and I cant see him keeping this car for a period of seven years! It has now resulted in me telling him that I was leaving and we have split up. I love him so very much and I know he loves me but I can't see the solution to this? Can you help?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 January 2005):
 Hi there,It sounds like your husband is projecting his self-image into the car he drives, so whenever he upgrades the car, he feels better about himself, as if he's newer/better/more powerful. That's why the money issue doesn't bother him.You were right to take a stand and stick to it, since he isn't showing any sign at all that he recognises there's a problem. If you do stay with him, and if he doesn't address his self-image problem in some other way, the expense is going to escalate and could bankrupt you one day.You're going to have to get your husband to see that having a new car is not like being a new person and the best way to do this is to get to a professional marriage counsellor. A trained third party can ask the right questions and paraphrase statements to show your husband that what he's doing is ultimately destructive to your marriage. A counsellor can also suggest better strategies to work through this problem. Please ask your husband to go with you, or go by yourself if you have to.The other issue that needs to be looked at is a more constructive way for your husband to express his desire to "preen". Maybe he needs to start an exercise or weight-training program at the gym to make himself feel better about how he looks to people, since this is what the car-buying is all about.Stay firm about your resolve not to get deeper in debt for more cars, but do encourage your husband to come and talk to a counsellor about why he feels he needs to keep upgrading. At the very least, you will get some insight into his behaviour.Hope this helps.
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