A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I caught my husband skinny dipping with my best friend, who is also married. I feel he cheated even though they said nothing happened but it still hurts the same. This is not the first time he has done something like this to hurt me. When I caught them I made him get out of the pool (our pool at our house!) and get dressed. They were both drunk, and he turned his anger on me and said such hurtful things to me that I don't know if I can ever get past this. (He did apologize to me 2 days later and said he made a big mistake but I don't feel he meant it.) After my friend and her husband,(who also didn't know they were skinny dipping til I told him) left the next day I told my husband I didn't want him talking to her or texting her and to erase her number from his phone. I have since checked our cell phone bill and found that they did text each other a few days later and he never told me. I feel he cheated again! How can I get past this and get him to show me more affection?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (14 July 2011):
 i understand that although its easy for us all to tell you to get rid of him, when you have got house/marriage/children things are not that simple.
i am sorry to hear he has been a dick again after the flirting that went on last time (oh and by the way, it is VERY unlikely that a man would text anyone 50 odd times a day just to chat about friendly stuff, so i think you can safely assume they were flirting or sexting - don't be fooled and don't be made to feel guilty or paranoid for not trusting him)
back to now: if you want to continue your marriage with him you will not be able to trust him or relax, you are gonna have to watch him pretty much like a hawk with that phone, look out for the inbox and outbox looking very empty despite having seen him texting and hearing texts coming in. notice his behaviour with the phone, does he become more clingy with it, taking it to the bathroom, keeping it in his pocket, using vibrate/silent ring/text tone. if you share this mobile he may want to get one of his own, he may even do this without your knowing, so beware of him making frequent trips out to his car/garage etc (to text secretly)
all the other 'signs he is having an affair' will apply too, but you can find these by googling. look very carefully for shifty body language/eyes and voice pitch when you question him about this.
to me, an easier life for you would be to dump him, either that or stay with him but go out an have a bit of fun yourself. stop caring about him, you will hurt less
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): i can understand thatyou have kids and that u dont want to mmake rash decisions
he has cheated TWICE that u know of. how many other times has he cheated and hid it from you.
to actively get it on in your own home with your best friend is just cruel. of him!
so now u keep on forgiving him until u catch him again.? your hb will NEVER learn. he knows u won"t ever leave himtherefore he does what he does all the time.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it. In answer to some of your questions: yes we have kids, we have been married for 20+ years, she also said nothing happened and I no longer talk to her, I got rid of her. When this happened I was lying down in my bedroom and her husband was in my livingroom with the kids. And there hasn't been any contact between them since that time a few days afterward, I check our cellphone usage everyday. The other thing that he did that was similar: a few years ago I found out he was texting, calling and talking to a co-worker 50+ times a day and night and at work, (I think they were flirting,they both said they weren't) she was also married so I called her and threatened to tell her husband if she didn't stay away and they haven't talked since. The fact that we have kids makes it real hard for me to leave him. He says he knows he made a big mistake and wants to make it right. I told him it's going to take a long time for me to try to forgive this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): he was naked in the pool with your best friend and said NOTHING happened??
what did SHE say to all this??
time to make a firm decision to get rid of the friend if you dont want to get rid of your husband.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (14 July 2011):
 If he cheated he should be out the door. No question. You have higher self confidence than to stick with some a$$hole right?
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (13 July 2011):
 You know he's cheated. It's too obvious to deny it. As for your best friend she's not really a friend. You need to leave him. He doesn't respect you enough to just be with you. If you take him back or keep allowing this, he's just going to take advantage of the fact that he has two chicks to mess around with and play mind games with you whenever you suspect him doing it again. Don't be with this guy. He doesn't respect you and neither does your best friend. Dump them both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): you said this wasn't the first time he has done something like this to hurt you. what kind of things? how old is he? where were you and her husband at the time? not that these give him any excuses or reasons, but may explain how things got there. why were they both drinking together? have you asked him if anything more happened between them? but he might as well have cheated. he was naked with another woman! at your house! the reason he got all mad and defensive with you is because he knew he was doing something wrong. then he continues to contact her after this happened? this man has issues, doesn't respect you or your marriage. I would think long and hard about if this marriage is worth saving. you said he didn't sound like he was sincere in his apology. if I caught my husband skinny dipping with another woman, he better have gotten something out that deal because he won't be getting anything from me anymore. i would have sent him packing with your friend and her husband. if he is so bold to do this at your house what else is he capable of?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (13 July 2011):
first of all the 'drunken mistake' theory that people very often like to use in situations like this - if they were sober enough to get their clothes off and get in a pool, they were sober enough to know what they were doing. they knew it was a bad move but they didn't care.
and then top text each other after the event when explicitly told him not to - again shows neither of them care about your feelings or your rights. tell them not to start sleeping with each other next, they probably won't listen though.
take no crap from these two. i would cut her out of your life to start with coz a TRUE FRIEND would not behave that way. to be honest i would be tempted to bin him too but as you are married and have a home together and maybe kids(?) i know it isn't that easy. but you have got to now let him know that any further behaviour like this from him - ANYTHING - and he is gone. don't be soft else he will walk all over you!
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Divorce him and find someone who doesn't drink, or at least someone who only has the occasional drink and doesn't drink to get drunk. Sorry if this isn't very helpful, but I personally wouldn't give someone another chance if they did something like this. They way I see it, if you do you're just giving him another chance to hurt you again. And life is just too short to waste your time on someone like him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 July 2011):
 I'm sorry but your husband does not sound like he has any respect for you or your marriage. Skinny dipping with another woman while drunk and then secretly texting her is almost as bad as if he had slept with her. And it doesn't sound like the first time he has blatantly disrespected you and your marriage and he doesn't sound even vaguely remorseful. That sounds really over the line. I could tell you all these coping mechanisms for dealing with this and moving on, but I think you'd be better off leaving this guy. I'm really sorry this happened.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 July 2011):
 Yep, it is a dealbreaker. He needs to be in NO contact with her.
Since he did something HIGHLY innappropriate while intoxicated, what is his excuse for doing something innappropriate while SOBER?
Since you see her # on the cellphone bill on dates AFTER you asked for NO CONTACT, talk to him about it.
Him breaking a boundary puts your relationship in jeapordy.
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