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anonymous
writes: My husband is a big fan of pornographic films and websites. Although in the past I have never minded this sort of thing, my self esteem is at an all-time low at the moment and I find I am completely unable to cope with him watching it. I cant handle him even looking at gorgeous women in underwear etc because I know that I dont look anything like that and I cant ever hope to compete with them. He also masturbates to it, even if when Im willing for sex myself. Its like he prefers porn to me. I feel really stupid about this because, as I said, it has never bothered me before, and I know that its just because Im feeling so low about myself that Im becoming so jealous, but I just cant stop getting in such a state about it. It really is getting me down now, and I find myself wondering if he is playing away, even tho I know he loves me more than life itself. Please help me to get this under control.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): I've been married for 5 years to a beautiful women, and yes I'm "addicted" to porn. Porn is an addiction and porn is cheating. It is a horrible addiction.
If you ask your husband to stop, he might because you asked him to, but he will still want to. Some men are addicted to alcohol, adrenaline, work, whatever, drugs, food, or porn. It's going to be something.
On a biological level, certain things release endorphines, chemicals in a man's brain, there are certain stimulus that cause more endorphines to be released. For me it's porn and lust. When I'm looking at porn, I can masturbate multiple times, with multiple release, it's totally lust driven. My lust is tapped to my endorphine release. So like a lab monkey given a drug at tapping a lever. I will keep hitting those keys to keep those good feelings to release in my mind.
I have never told my wife, but I'm been masturbating like an animal since I was young. If I'm not doing it, I want to, I need my fix, just like a druggie. When you look at porn, you have to constantly look at more and more porn, different porn, variety, and it gets more intense, the same porn will not do it for you. Ask you husbands if they look at the same pornsite, over and over, yes and no. They constantly look at more and more porn. So when women say they want to try spicing things up, for variety, it wont work, why? because you cant offer the same variety that the porn can offer. teens, asians, blacks, thin, skinny, young, old, fat, legs, feet, boobs, redheads, blondes, brunettes, tall, short, teens, maids, cheerleaders, schoolgirls, animals, anal, get the point? what can you the wife offer? well maybe some outfits, uh maybe some plastic surgery, boob job? No. you can not offer the one thing porn offers.... variety. Sad but true.
I eventually cheated on my wife. I never thought I would, but after all that fantasy and porn, i wanted to take it to the next level. When i was cheating it felt great, but you know what i noticed after i cummed. the exact same feelings as with porn. I felt dirty, and i just wanted to get out of there. Porn is cheating, it's all the same, cheating with another person is just like looking at porn, you just use the women, prostittue, whoever as just a sperm receptacle, and then you leave. After that experience I'm convinced that i need to stop looking at porn, because it's ruining my marriage. Nothing my wife can do can help to reach that level of lust with porn.
So it's been six months since i said i would stop looking at porn, and you know what? i cant quit. i feel so empty without looking at porn and masturbating. during the times i stopped looking (1-2 weeks) i had a memory full of porn that i would imagine as i masturbated.
i dont know what the solution is, i know i nneed to quit but it is an addiction. treat it as one. of course like any other addiction, your husband will deny it's an addiction, i love hearing men's justifications for porn.
i think each couple will have to deal with porn differently. i know for myself, even though i stop, i will want to look at porn or desire for lust for the rest of my life.
Good luck to us all
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2005): My initial response is for you to leave him. He is sucking away your life energy and your self esteme. You are human, you need his love and he is giving it to someone else. Love yourself, respect yourself - If you feel it is hurting you then take yourself away from that, you don't deserve it and he doesn't deserve you.On the otherside of the coin, maybe he enjoys 'pretending' to have sex with women he just doesn't care about, he's (in his mind) using these women, and maybe he thinks your just too good for that. If he masturbates he doesn't have to measure up to anything, he doesn't have to try to make you feel good too. And he doesn't risk the failure of not satisfying you. He may also feel (subconsciously) that sex is wrong, he may not want to 'use' you in that way because he loves you.Masturbating to porn, in the end is just a habit. Habits can be changed and worked on, he could learn how to be turned on by you and have enjoyable meaningful sex if he put the work into changing his habits for the better.It's ok for people to say that 'all men masturbate to porn' but 'most women are uncomfortable with that' - and women have as much rights in a relationship as the man, if either is unhappy, it's not working.Talk it out. See if he will go to a therapist with you. If he doesn't want to try to make it work, you should leave. Don't stay in a relationship if it's making you unhappy, waiting for that moment when he suddenly says 'yes I will make the effort to change' because if he doesn't do it now, he probably never will.
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A reader, SelaW, writes (18 February 2005): Some men need constant variety and the excitement of being with a new partner in order to get sexually aroused. These men should probably not enter into any kind of long term relationship but many are torn between having someone in their lives who knows them well and who they can be close and intimate with, and the sexual high they get moving from partner to partner.These types of men can rarely settle down into a long relationship without problems cropping up. Sometimes they lose their erection during sex with a long term partner. Or sometimes they find they can't ejaculate during intercourse or oral sex. However the problem manifests itself, the bottom line is that they are not aroused enough because the familiarity of sex with the same partner becomes a libido killer after a few weeks, months and rarely, years. Few of these types of men understand that there is a "problem" and just believe themselves to be easily bored sexually.Many turn to porn, thinking they can have their cake and eat it too. They think they can enjoy the benefits of a relationship and get the sexual stimulation and variety they need on the internet.When these men marry their wives sometimes find themselves in a sexless marriage after a few months or years as the man turns to porn, strip clubs, affairs or prostitutes in order to become sexually aroused enough.
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A reader, F, writes (5 February 2005): Hi,The above answers intrigued me very much, especially Shawn's which truly gave me pause to think! I'm married, I look at porn, and I do still love my wife. Do I prefer porn to my wife? Perhaps the question is do I prefer to be totally selfish and self centered, which closes off the physical (and verbal) communication between us? The answer is yes, sometimes I do. Perhaps we should all throw away our computers and dvd players, or deny our voyeuristic urges. I would also prefer to have a healthy, fun-filled sex life with my wife, but after nearly 20 years of marriage, three kids and our business, it is often easier and more of a turn-on to go to the web. As to whether your husband loves you as much as you claim, that is up for debate. If he truly loved you, I think he would make an effort to open communication, and do better at avoiding his porn urges.F
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A reader, Shawn W., writes (30 January 2005): Sweetheart all men prefer porn to their girlfriends. Its simple, really. Porn has girls with giant breasts and good bodies, that do the degrading stuff that women won't do like anal, orgies, and swallow. It's just how it is. And if a man disagrees he is flat out lying
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A reader, Christina, writes (30 January 2005): COME ON!!!!! WAKE UP GIRLS. RESPECT YOURSELVES.(If you're making love with your partner and fantasizing about haviang sex with someone else, your're cheating on your partner!" "Indulging in sexual fantasy about other people, in your mind, through reading magazines or watching films, is a form of infidelity." "You've made a commitment to be sexually monogamous with your partner, and you're breaking it by deliberately focusing your sexual attention on someone else.") Page 188 from"Are you the one for me" Barbara De Angelis.Please read this and treat yourself as the godess that you are.Christina
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2005): The only thing you can do is talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. There arent many women that would be comfortable with their guys looking at porn, and even more uncomfortable knowing that they are geting tuned on and masturbating watchin other women.You say he loves you more than life itself, well if thats the case he will also respect you and knowing that its upsetting you, he should stop doing it and concentrate on what he has with you.Porn is certainly no match for the real thing. The other point is that if he loves you so much, i wonder how he would feel if you were doing the same thing???My guess is that he probably wouldnt be too pleased either if he was honest about it.Good luck!
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