A
female
age
41-50,
*myxavier
writes:Hi guys, I have just been left by my husband of 15 years and I have 3 kids with him. I am not coping very well, how am I going to get over him? Please, help me somebody! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Hi, You would be in grief moved, greiving for the loss of your Man. Were there warning signs. Such as disagreements or another woman or his own health issues? Did he give you an explanation? Right now you are in shock. But that will give way soon to other emotions and there will be other emotional hurdles to jump for a while yet.
He may come back, as some do when they find it more difficult than they imagined.
Or this break may be for good.
Your children would be hurting too. They need your support.
But if you are hurting really bad then you are less able to support them. You are right to think about healing yourself first.
(1). Consult a divorce to ensure you know your rights and the family assets. Get maintenance issues rolling immediately.
(2) take stock of the family finances and redo the family budget. Don't try to over-compensate by retaining expensive things you all have been used to. Some belt tightening will be required.
(3) deal with your emotional pain by:
Allowing yourself to grieve. Stay away from places especially where you used to go with him.
Develop ways of enjoying life that are wholesome and fun but don't involve big expense.
Create meals that are fun, but not expensive. Get the children helping with that. When widowed I got a series of paper flags. And instead of just putting down unfamiliar new (cheaper) meals I would make each an occasion. Anything hinting at another culture would be 'Italian night' or 'Mexican night' or 'Chinese night' and so on. And we would talk about the culture of that country. It made meals fun, and we learnt how to use chop sticks on Chinese nights, or the history of India when enjoying a vegetarian curry and so on.
Making life fun takes the edge off your pain.
Get plenty of rest. Build some routine into your life. Give yourself a chance to do things you might have shied away from before. That might mean a hobby you can enjoy after the children are in bed. A long uninterrupted bath after the children are in bed.
You can even start some new traditions that might have been taboo like visiting places and taking a picnic lunch and having fun dropping into interesting museums, exhibitions that might have dismissed as boring.
Don't be in a rush to date. Give yourself at least 12 months to grieve. There will be a lot of things to consider and get right in the coming year. Take your time. Do not be rushed.
(4) every time you are faced with a decision that will affect you and the child, Stop for a moment and ask yourself, 'Is this good for me?'
Because if you are not comfortable then it also surely will not be good for your children.
(5) Don't try to over-compensate with the children. Set up routines, bed times, and expectations. And stick to them. Sit down with your children and explain that they are going to have to pitch in too. Keep their rooms tidy, make their beds.
Spell out consequences such as loss of a privelege if they shirk doing what is required.
Be very firm about not accepting disrespectful behavior. The children are no doubt sad, bewildered and hurting about the split. But he is still their Dad and it is important that their feelings are considered. But bad behavior is not acceptable. Also make it very clear that the split is NOT their fault. Don't bad mouth their father in front of them. They still love him and will be missing him, or would be in most instances of a split.
(6)Think about re-investing in you. Visit the hairdresser. Give yourself that mudpack facial before bed. Keep trim. You can also change things around at home. Add in some pretty touches that make you feel good.
Try to stay positive and look for the positives, not focus on negatives.
Surround yourself with supportive people. Distance yourself from the unsupportive, miserable or negative - because you do not have time for that.
Best of luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Focus on surviving, take care of the kids and realize that this is devastating to all of you, although in different ways.
Get counseling help.
Educate yourself on the effects on the children as they get older.
Ask for help when you need it.
Survive now, work to make tomorrow better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): But were there warning signs that he might leave? He just suddenly left without warning? That must be horrid, I am very sorry for your pain.
Right now you need as much help from friends and family as you can get. Call your parents, siblings, friends and let them know what has happened. You are in a very emotional state at the moment, understandably, and if they can take care of the kids as much as possible and offer you guidance and support while you gather your thoughts and your strength that is just what you need to make sense of this all and be able to make the transition of all this easier for you to deal with.
Be strong. It is not the end of the world. It is not even the end of the day. Ask for help and give yourself time to grieve. I hope everything works out.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 First the practical things, bank accounts and such. Breakups are never nice.
Then the lawyer.
Heartbreak later.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2011):
 You guys have 3 kids, so that is your main focus. Can you afford the place you live in without him? Has he (or you) filed for divorce? If not, get on it.
Find a lawyer. Find out what you are entitled too and go from there. Don't let the fear of being a single mom take over. You can do this. Others have before you and others will after you.
Ask your family & friends for help, if you need it. Don't play the "martyr" and think you are superwoman or that you are bothering them.
You are the one left behind to pick up the pieces, but it doesn't mean you have to be strong 24/7. Find someone to talk to and allow yourself to "grieve" for the loss of the marriage.
It's time to take the helm. Time to make new plans that does not include him. You kids need you.
And last but not least, I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 June 2011):
 First things first.BIG HUGS. Take a deep breath.The BEST thing to do, is first call trusted family or friends and let them know what is going on in your life and you need some emotional support (hands on preferably).Next-Get into some professional counseling, preferably one who has experience in grief counseling, and marriage and family counseling.Go for yourself to talk out all your feelings and develop a plan and coping skills to make some tough decisions. Best Wishes.
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