A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are not in sync anymore. Both of us are professionals and make enough money to keep certain lifestyle. She is wonderful, She is hot and the love of my life. She comes from a great family high in morals and education. Me on the contrary I'm a self made businessman. My family used to be very poor and we had to hustle to make ends meet. When I was young i suffered from sexual abuse, from there I suffered from depression, anxiety and alcohol abuse. I got involved with some people i shouldn't to make business that ended in me being shot and my family threatened. It's all over now but I still suffer from anxiety and PTSD.My wife have the understanding of how hard life can be. She is very naive about many things. She has a bad temper just like me and when we fight is nasty. She is always right. No matter true or not. Very stubborn. So i decided to not engage in fighting anymore. Before me she had a thing with a guy who didn't respected her. The bad boy she wanted to turn good. She acted with him in many ways I feel very uncomfortable. In the heat of the argument i said very mean things I shouldn't. She belives I judge her for her past when is absolutely the opposite. I'm very proud of her. What I didn't like was that she was defending him telling me he was not bad with her when I know he took advantage of her just to have sex by sweet talking and pretending he cared. I had to say things in a very cruel way so she cut understand why i don't like that chapter of her life. But that's all. I'm not jealous of him or feel threatened at all, I trust my wife with my life and I didn't mean to sound i was judging her for her actions. Since then everything has been so awkward. I'm afraid to touch her, afraid of rejection. We haven't had sex in months and I miss her.
View related questions:
her past, jealous, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2021): If I were you I would get down on my knees and apologize and tell her you didn't mean to hurt her and that you don't want to lose her.
And try to learn from what happened this time so it doesn't happen again!
Also, you can work on your temper. I have tamed mine.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2021): Hi this is a family problem
We are a blended family its me , my husband, my son and his son we live together for the past 3 years...facts..
My son is physically disabled .
My stepson has many issues ie ADHD.
My stepson lost his mum 4 yrs ago..
So our lifes has changed over the years and on the whole we all get on ok but I find things stressful due to everything being down to me , I know I am the 'mum' to everyone but my stepson behaviour is testing me at time even though I know he carnt really help it after weeks of bubbling away I blow my top and turn in to a crazy lady the last thing was pouring a bowl full of milk in the bin . It drove me up the wall .. its nothing but on top of the other things he does ie never knowing what day it is , forgetting what days I go to work but asking about it ok days I dont go in but nothing said on day I do .. if he asks a question about any thing he never likes my answer and goes on and on ..if I dont give the right answer he looking at me lost like i didn't speak English.. he is not yet a teenager but hes hard work . But I want to know how not to blow up at him .. dont advice to walk away cause he would follow or stand on the spot until I came back .. I really struggle to have a conversation with him as he gets so mixed up which is part of adhd but it's hard to deal with .. if my husband did this to me I would of left long ago ...
I do things with my stepson (and family) ie cooking .movie nights.days out
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2021): You deny too much about not being bothered about her ex, why bring him into the argument?
I've split up with my boyfriend and I've begun to look more into the reasons why. I've learned that it's not just 'Poor communication" that is the problem it's who we are as people and how our childhoods affect our relationships as adults. You touched on a few things about your past which putting them all together will have an impact on how you feel and how you relate to your wife, she will also be just the same, her experiences and childhood.
I've looked at the different attachments in psychology and there are four, depending on which one you primarily fall into will impact on the way you think, feel and act, again this applies to your wife.
I've worked out what attachment I fall into doing online tests and I've worked out my ex partners going by the behaviour he exhibited.
My advice would be to do some online attachment tests to see which you fall into, ask your wife to do the same if you are amicable or simply read the attachment styles and from them you will see more clearly where your differences lie because it impacts massively on how you relate to one another
From that I've been watching self help videos but if you feel having insight doesn't change anything then maybe relationship counseling would be the next step
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2021):
 I have to agree with Code Warrior.
You might not have meant to doubt her or hurt her (though I think you did because you two were arguing, and attacking her past is an easy way to "score points" - not a good way to do that though.)
You need to apologize and STOP bring up the past, yours or hers. It is IRRELEVANT! You are with her now, she is with you - not her ex. GET over her past and leave it IN the past.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2021): If you both have big tempers; that's going to make rebuilding communication difficult. Then there's a matter of swallowing pride and forgiving each-other.
Her ex is out-there somewhere totally oblivious to all this nonsense!
Reconnecting with your wife intimately and emotionally might take time; if you're both prideful and stubborn people. It might take marriage-counseling to reopen the bridge of communication; and a third-party might be required to referee your interactions, to get around your willfulness and obstinacy. A counselor will moderate your verbal-exchanges, to keep you both on-point and on track. Your retro-jealousy about a man in her past is adolescent nonsense. You're too old for that foolishness!
Flaring tempers, angry verbal-exchanges, and hurt-feelings causes impenetrable shutdowns. It ceases intimacy and all exchanges of affection; and willfulness perpetuates resentment. Especially, between mature-people over 40! Set in our ways, opinionated, and unyielding; all in order to prove our point! You've reached an impasse due to speaking out of line, and throwing-up her past in her face. Once words hit the air, you can't take them back. She also needs to come to terms with the reality of the fact her past relationship was abusive. That's a separate issue. There is no defense for the abuser; and it doesn't help your case to take his place!!!
The tongue is like fire, or a weapon. It can cause mass destruction! Toxic words can consume and erode like acid! Just saying you're sorry can't erase the damage or pain inflicted when you allow your anger to turn your tongue into a double-edged sword.
I'd suggest you invite your wife to counseling; so you both can talk to each-other on deeper levels. To get back into each-other's heads and hearts.
You can offer her a sincere and heartfelt-apology anytime. You don't have to wait until you get into counseling. That's just the beginning. Show her you'll fight for her. If you lose, you lose! If she doesn't fight to keep your marriage, she loses too!
Your pride is holding you back, and it's causing a divide between the two of you. You might feel ashamed, but you also can't face her to admit how wrong you were; although you feel remorse deeply within your heart. Her defending "him" hurts your male-pride!
She once cared for him. You can forget the past, but that doesn't mean it never happened. You can't undo the past. You've got a past too, and other women were in it!
You don't withhold an apology, because it might get rejected. The recipient/victim has the right to accept or reject it; but you don't know what they'll do until you apologize. Once that is done; then let the recipient/victim process it. It's necessary to initiate their healing, even if it might take time. All is not forgiven and forgotten on the spot. If you have tried, and she wouldn't accept. Try, try again! If she hasn't left you already, the apology just needs more time to take effect. You haven't approached your wife for sex in months, all to protect your pride. Well, she's letting you punish yourself. It's hard to feel sexy towards somebody who looks down on you.
Use yourself as an example. How quickly you forgive and forget depends on a lot of things; but you still expect an apology all the same! You're using her ex as the issue. It's not him, it's what's going-on between you and her. Two hard-headed temperamental people who go at it; then make all kinds of lame excuses why you can't behave yourselves!
You're not happy about her ex? Who's married to her now? If you're not happy, get a divorce! Verbally abusing her about him is not a solution to your jealousy, my man!
Knowing you're sorry and remorseful means more than you think; even if her pride won't allow you to see how much it means to her. An apology is not giving-in or admitting she is right. It's not absolving him of abusing her. It is admitting what you said to hurt her was wrong! You don't get the benefit of instant results. You should have considered the consequences before you opened your mouth!
Maybe you fear apologizing, worried that she'll harshly reject and refuse to accept it. That would hurt your feelings. You must humble yourself when you know you are wrong. If she rejects the apology upfront doesn't matter! An apology to your wife is long overdue; and how it hurts your feelings to have an apology denied is irrelevant. It doesn't compare with the verbal-abuse used to hurt her; because you wished to inflict pain that would cut deep! It seems you've succeeded. Using sex as a weapon hurts the target and the one using the weapon. She starving herself to hurt you!
It's not about who's right or wrong; it's about how you both communicate and resolve your problems together. You're a married-couple! You both allow your tempers to overrule your common sense; and don't have a clue how to compromise, or call a truce before things get out of hand. It's all about your pride and arrogance on either side of the issue. Neither wants to give, because it means the other will win. How old do you have to be to know better than that?
Apologize, and offer to go to counseling to salvage your marriage. Promise each-other to work on your tempers; even if that will require separate and individual counseling. If you love each-other, all the effort to save your marriage is worth it.
If you and your wife belong to a spiritual-faith, and believe in God. You should both also seek spiritual-counseling, worship, and prayer together; through your spiritual ministry and place of worship. God repairs broken families and marriages. It's His thing! Love and goodness, and all that!
God bless you both, and may you both find your peace.
...............................
|
