A
female
age
51-59,
*ebMc
writes:My husband is 59 and I am turning 40. Suddenly he has become too tired and has become undemonstrative with his affections this last month yet I found out he was watching porn while I was at work. I love him, we have been married for 17 years with two teens. How can I save my marriage? I am not ready to be room mates.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): Have you noticed any change in him before the past month? For instance, has he started having trouble having an erection? The age that he is at is a common age group for men to start having various sexual troubles. I am 64 and I started to have various troubles at about the age of 62. They were mild ED, less sensitivity making it more difficult to have an orgasm, depression and fatigue. It turned out that my problem was low testosterone and now I am on supplemental testosterone and most of the problems are gone, but not completely.
My wife and I are very open about what is troubling us, so we discussed all of this when it started. A lot of people don't want to discuss things like this or are embarrassed to do so. Loss of sexual ability can be a very distressing thing for a guy.
I don't know what your husband's problem is. It could be medical or mental. Remember that a man can have more sensation with masturbation than he can have with intercourse. If he is losing sensitivity in his penis then he can orgasm much more easily with masturbation. Porn just adds a little help.
Like I said, I can't know if his problem and change is related to a medical problem, but you need to discuss this with him and get him to open up to you. The thing that I am most familiar with is low testosterone. Common symptoms are ED, loss of libido, loss of strength (like having a difficult time opening jars), fatigue, depression and mood swings. If he is seeing these then he should see a doctor and ask him to check his hormones, both the male (testosterone and DHT) and female ones (estradiol). There are also other medical problems that can cause things like this, but I don't know much about those.
A
male
reader, Dr. Lightspeed +, writes (30 May 2009):
Your husband is simply choosing a more detached, less involved form of sexual relationship by watching porn rather than having interaction with you. It actually has nothing to do with you or his lack of interest in sex with you. It has to do with his desire for a reduced personal involvement on several levels with the process. Personally, I'd confront him about it. If the magic is gone, then accept it best you can and either file for seperation or divorce, or be cautious and find your fulfillment outside of the marriage. Yes. I know how that sounds, but you are too young to be shoved aside by someone who has proactively disconnected from the personal inter-relationship required of a sound, successful marriage and is finding his fullfilment in a highly impersonal and disconnected way. You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): I find it appauling to watch porn with the same aged women as your daughters. You have to get to the root of the problem. THere really isn't very much information here for us but you don't sound like you have very much info to give. Have you tried asking him why he can make energy for porn but not for you? He should be grateful at having a younger woman at his age if you ask me. His age may be causing him mood changes and certain health problems that don't allow him to be quite himself, but really dig in and see if there is something bothering him. Also at his age, sex may be much more of a task than masturbation. He doesn't have to use his whole body. But whatever the real problem, Something like this shouldn't destroy your marraige. It may cause comflict and frustration, but hopefuly you two are still i nlove and respectful of each other, and don't need to be saved.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (30 May 2009):
 Well, I would simply ask him if since this bothers you he would be willing to seek with you some sort of Marriage Counseling. Look into if it is afordable to you. Porn in and of itself is not inherently bad, it is how it is consumed and for what purpose. If he is choosing you over porn he has a somewhat addictive personality, but seeking marriage counseling may be the best way for you to get the help you need and also for you both to rediscover why you fell in love in the first place.But you both have to be open and honest if you do get counseling. It has no purpose unless both of you are willing to commit.
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