A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My (29F) husband (31 M) is addicted to Magic: The Gathering, is ruining our relationship and financesSome background: My husband and I met in our early 20s and have been together cumulatively for 8 years. We have been married for 3. He has played MTG on and off throughout that time, but recently it has begun ton get out of control.My husband plays Magic: The Gathering (a playing card game for those who may not know). He has gone through phases throughout our relationship where he picks it up now and again and then eventually loses interest.This time, things are different. In the past, his MTG phase would usually be 1-2 months and he would always keep it to a minimum when it came to game nights (once a week). It has now been about 4 months of this. Now, he spends most of the weekend playing MTG, leaving no time for us as a couple. We both work five days out of the week, and it leaves us little time when we get home from a full day to bond. The weekend is our only free (ish) time and it is now entirely consumed by MTG.I am currently working long hours to afford a bathroom refit, and he works full time. However, he has a degree as a computer technician, and despite many jobs (with much better salaries) being available in our area, he hasn't applied for any of them. He is currently working at a low-paying job that is way outside his field. We have discussed what he wants to do as far as the future, and he insists he will get a job in the tech field, but he has done absolutely nothing about it. This wouldn't be as big of a problem if he wasn't currently blasting through what money we have on MTG cards. He frequently finds himself going a week or two without any money (after bills) because he has spent a serious sum on cards. That leaves me to carry him with anything I had set aside until he gets paid again.The weekend consists of him going to the comic book store and playing MTG with the people there. He leaves around noon and often doesnt come back until 9-10 pm. When i ask him how the hell anyone spends 10 hours playing cards, he replies that he also eats and spends time watching others play, or socializing. I have attempted to try and join in, but it is deathly boring for me to just sit and watch people play a card game. I'm just not good at cards and tried to learn when I was 14/15, but it just didn't work out. Nothing against others doing it though.I could honestly understand if he went for a couple of hours on ONE designated day, but an entire weekend?We have no time for each other anymore. Our sex life is gone because I am usually too tired on the weekdays after work, and too aggravated on the weekend because of his excessive gaming. I have tried to talk to him about how we have no time together, and his reply was that "We live together! We see each other every day." And he also said that I am never supportive of his hobbies, which is not true. I am happy for him to have hobbies, but the problem is he goes through obsessive periods of those hobbies where all he does is do those things. He has a serious time management problem, and doesn't know when to say stop when it comes to his current addiction. The same thing happened when he played WoW, LoL, or got into trying to play electric guitar. Excessive time was spent on those things, and often our conversations for that period of time revolved around nothing else.I am sort of at my wit's end right now. I am sick of hearing about the game, sick of him spending irresponsibly, and sick of being shunted to the end of the day for him to spend a trickle of time with me compared to how much he's put into his hobby. I don't understand why things have to be this way or why he can't make a feasible schedule for his hobbies. I am feeling underappreciated and honestly a little used. It's not fair that I should have no extra money for my own things because I have to use it when he blows through his paycheck, which btw, as he is full-time, is much larger than mine. My paycheck is quite good, although he earns 30% more than me. If I lived alone I'd still get by. I'm definitely not poor or on welfare. I'm a freelancer so don't have a set boss or workplace; being my own boss is something I've done since I was 22 in 2014 and felt I'd worked long enough in service jobs. I was educated well enough but felt I needed something more. Hopefully my paycheck will improve as I've got one long-term job which runs from now through to September, even though it's a two-day-a-week thing. Someone outsourced the work to me.I'm hard-working and enjoy my job; I've built up my own business and it's gone well, COVID or no COVID.I don't have social media presence for my business, just a website, business cards and email, but as below, it suits the nature of my work.My freelancing job's a bit sensitive so can't discuss too much about it. It always has been.I have a hobby of cookery; primarily focusing on Asian, European, Italian or Polish cuisine which probably costs a lot, but I'm not spending nowhere near as much as he is on Magic The Gathering. It's healthy too as I know what's going into my food. I'm not doing it for social media likes but genuine interest in it. It's not always a social hobby, it's a learn at your own pace, standalone hobby.He's never critical of my hobby, but then again I don't spend 10 hours cooking like he does with his gathering. (OK, so I've been asked to cook for a very close friend's wedding, make some Polish cakes, but that's a one-off, and the wedding isn't until August; never cooked in bulk for a wedding before).I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. He is the kind of person who constantly deflects if he is confronted with an issue, and puts it on how I'm not being supportive, being selfish, trying to control him, etc. I love him very much, and when things are good, they're really good, but he's about to be 32 and this behavior is just no longer acceptable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): The fact that when you try to talk to him about your concerns, he tries to deflect any blame and put it on you instead, concerns me more than anything else. This shows you that your concerns, your needs, your desires and your opinions mean absolutely NOTHING to him.
The fact that he doesn't care about how much money you have to put into the pot, to fund his habit and the fact that he would rather play this game for hours and hours on end then spend any time with you, shows me that he does not care about you.
You're convenient. You're familiar.
I hope you think twice before having any children with this man.
If, however you find you would rather stay with him than have an equal say in your relationship, if I was you I would go out dancing at the weekend with your friends. See what he thinks about that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): Are you sure you're not pregnant?
As absurd as it sounds it's often a possibility!
If you found out you were happily pregnant it would be time for you both to reassess your priorities.
Your husband may need a wake-up call to curb his spending on the virtual world so a quick review of your situation in the real world is often useful!
It would certainly Kickstarter a renewed interest in your life as a couple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): I am a qualified therapist and no way has your husband got any sort of mental illness. But he is immature and he is selfish and that will never change. The only time people change is when there is something in it for them - i.e. he tries harder to go that extra mile, spend time with you or whatever, maybe in return for spending less time on the game or more time with you or taking you out once a week, he has to give before he receives. Sharing your finances is ridiculous with a guy like him. He will always be a pauper and drag you down to his low level money wise if you do that. In a way he is right to say you are trying to control him. He hates being told what to do, he has to feel it is his idea. So - if he sees that spending more time with you means more sex or whatever he will offer to do it and do it without being asked.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 April 2022):
 Well, for one I think you two NEED to have a sit-down and do a budget.
He can set aside money for his cards/game and you can set aside money for your hobby (even though cooking benefits you both).
You NEED to tell him just this:" I am feeling underappreciated and honestly a little used. It's not fair that I should have no extra money for my own things because I have to use it when he blows through his paycheck ".
And I agree, he can't spend (let's say) $500 on cards and then expect YOU to pick up the slack for various bills he would normally have been responsible for. THAT is ridiculous. Hence a FIRM budget.
I'd also advise you to start a separate savings account. A nest egg, so to speak. Or retirement fund as you have no 401K. With Freelance there CAN be lulls in the jobs even if it has been going well, so putting something aside that you CAN NOT touch would be a good idea for you.
It seems to me that he SEEMS to need some time for himself, to socialize and do his hobby and while I think spending the WHOLE weekend and one day a week is excessive when he has a wife who WANTS to also spend time with him, I would discuss a fair amount of time you each get to DO this.
If he will not budge, I'd say you need to find other things to do on the weekend.
It also seems like it's very much "his way or the highway" for him.
I would say he seems to be regressing. While I totally get gaming (I'm a gamer myself) it shouldn't take over your life or finances. The fact that he is NOt focussed on getting a better-paid job in the field he is educated for makes me think that he either is using MTG as a way of "pretending he is still a kid with no responsibilities" or as a way to avoid having to try out for a job and perhaps be rejected for a few because he doesn't HAVE a consistent job history in the field. The longer he waits to apply and TRY to get a job in the field, the harder it will be. Tech moves fast, whether it's coding or any other form of tech.
Seems like MTG is a destresser but also an avoidance mechanism.
Now that is all guesswork from my end.
He calls you selfish, yet he is the selfish one here.
Has he been diagnosed with any mental health issues? Because it almost seems like he is a bit "bipolar" with manic episodes where he is fully "addicted" and immersed in the game from time to time. Not in REAL life. NOT THAT I CAN DIAGNOSE HIM - I'm just comparing it. Or like a seasonal alcoholic who can function and not drink most of the time but then goes on uncontrollable drinking binges from time to time.
With all this, I have to add this. YOU need to accept that YOU can not change him.
You have to decide if this is acceptable or not.
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