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anonymous
writes: My husband an I have been together for 12 years married for 7. We have 2 children 11 and 9. We are due to emigrate on the 29th april 05 and have just had a wonderful last holiday on our own without the kids. The problem is that he got drunk and beat me up on the last night saying I was a slag and sleep with all the men. He has done this once before about 4 years ago and I took him back on the basis that he wouldn't do it again. He promised he wouldn't but he has. I swore never to be in a relationship where my partner hit me as I grew up with a violent father and was abused as a child. I am not sure what to do now I do love him but it took me a long time to regain the love he ruined the first time it happened and was just feeling happy and secure with all the feelings I had for him in the early stages of our relationship. Do I try to make it work and move accross the world with him or do I sever all ties and start alone with my children here? I have given my notice in at work and we have sold the house having to move out on the 22nd april so have no-where to live and no job. What shall I do?ThanksC
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reader, confused +, writes (30 March 2005):
This is a problem for both of you. It is obvious that you love him but you need to find out if he feels the same. As for going with him, my advice is that you talk to him and suggest leaving it for a bit see how things work out. it seems he has a nasty temper when he has had a drink. Talk to him and tell him that it needs to change. You can't live your life in fear. If he has done it before he is more than likely to do it again. Be sure within yourself that you are doing the right thing before moving away with him. You need to think about what is best for you and your 2 children.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (30 March 2005):
 There is no excuse for being violent and there is always the risk that when it happens once, it will happen again. In your case, it has but there was a long gap in between. Nevertheless, he has let you down badly. He has betrayed your trust in him and he has hurt you.They always say, don't they, when a man hits a woman, she should leave asap but things are never ever as cut and dried as that. Some men don't lash out all the time, they do it rarely but it does happen.I'm not trying to give your husband an excuse for his behaviour, but what led up to his outburst? He should have been in control of his actions. He obviously has problems that need to be dealt with. Men that accuse their partners of sleeping around are normally deeply insecure and require professional assistance to face up to their fears and insecurities.I think it would be risky for you to move with him but it all depends on where you are moving to. If you have family and friends there, then at least you will have support.Your husband should consider some anger management as a means of learning to control his temper. He should perhaps also see someone who is an expert in unravelling the problems that he has that could be deep rooted. Would he be willing to do this? You could both go to relate to discuss your relationship.You have to consider for yourself whether you want to remain with him in terms of his temper. You know he could do it again, especially if he doesn't get help. You need to consider your childen also.If you decide not to go, I am assuming he will still go? You need to weigh up the liklihood of him doing this again and whether you really want to put yourself and your children at risk. It will take a long time again for you to build up your trust in him. You need to decide whether you wish to do this.If you did decide to stay, Woman's Aid could assist you in terms of having nowehere to live and there are organisations that wouldn't see you on the streets. Do you have friends you can turn to? What about family?You do need to discuss this with your husband. How does he feel about what he has done? Is he remorseful? What does he intend to do about it?Whatever you decide to do, always try to keep yourself and your family safe.I do hope this helps.
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