A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused.commm
writes:i got married last year. me and my husband had a fairytale relationship before we got married. now we have spells of really highs or really lows. I got raped at fifteen, and his beginning to bring it up alot recently. we go through periods where we sleep apart and in different rooms for weeks. it takes him seconds to bring my past up and shatter me to pieces. He knows how much it hurts me, but just doesn't stop. He also seems to think i've had an affair, when i havn't. his suspicions are based on a text i recieved from a male friend being sarcastic about me not going to the movies with him. I love him to pieces, we've been through hell and back. This behaviour of his though, i just dont understand.
View related questions:
affair, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 The "ignore behaviour that you can't accept" approach might even work. Without any feedback to send him ballistic, he might actually calm down a bit.
Hope it all goes OK for the both of you. He sounds like he's been through a lot and you should be proud that you've helped pull him through. He should be thankful for someone like you. Not everyone would do that much for their man without walking out half way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Good for you honey. Glad you took the bull by the horns and tackled him with your concerns. I guess I am a little worried about his anger with you, as it easy for this to escalate from anger to abuse. Think your right about how to deal with his "barking" at the moment, and a calmer form of communication can only help your relationship. This thing about sleeping in seperate rooms is worrying though, haven't you heard the saying "never go to bed on an arguement." It's not good to sleep apart, in a relationship, as you need to develop a closeness and intimacy, but if it works for you, and keeps things calm then who am I to complain.
All in all, thanks for the update. Wishing you both lots of luck and good fortune.
...............................
A
female
reader, confused.commm +, writes (15 May 2008):
confused.commm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u so much for taking the time to reply and give me your thoughts. its very appreciated.
I understand what your saying about the mental problems 'oldfool', I gave it quite some thought and in all honesty, he has had a terrible life. Before he met me his relationship with his parents was non-exsistent because of mistakes he made, he got into debt over a silly business venture, bought a sports car on loan, and alot of other things. It resulted in health problems for him. He turned ballimic. After he met me, his problems were no more. He mended his relationship with his parents, sorted his debt out. we were together for three years before getting married, im not saying it was completely rosey cosy, we had ups and downs, but got through them. Now that were married i'm seeing a side that i dont know. its almost like i dont know him at times. His insecuritites i dont unerstand, he was NEVER insecure before we gt wed. Dont understand where this urge to hurt me so much by saying such cruel things is coming from.
I sat him down last night, we spoke,I stayed calm. I told him how I felt, unhappy, and that our relationship is suffering alot. he told me how he felt to (after a very long time) he felt the same. He admitted he has no control over his mouth and that he doesn't realise what gets into him. we both decided were going to take a different approach to one another, a more calmer one. when he gets angry and starts 'barking' im just going to remain calm and ignore it. Usually i dont, i fight back. Hope its gna work.
In regards to marriage councelling, i'm not even gna bother asking him-i know his thoughts towards it already ''its ridicilous, if we cant sort out our problems by ourselves, no-one can'' therefore im going to do it by myself.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (15 May 2008):
I can only guess what's going through his brain, but irrational as it may seem, it sounds like your past is preying on his mind. As Anonymous said, he's insecure and immature. The rape at 15 and his suspicion about your having an affair are not unlinked. Don't ask me how something that hurt you so much could be upsetting him like this, it's completely irrational.
(The male mind is not a rational thing. There are cultures in the world where a man will divorce his wife if she is raped against her will. Think of it from this perspective and his behaviour might make sense -- well, maybe a little, although not much).
I think Anonymous has the right approach overall. You can only try to understand what is upsetting him, and try to reassure him. Does he feel neglected because of your busy life?
One other possibility that suggests itself is mental problems. I wouldn't like to comment on this because I have no experience at all, but these swings between highs and lows don't seem healthy. Perhaps another aunt could comment with more insight.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): It dosen't sound good honey. Your marriage sounds more like a battlefield than a loving relationship. If your husbands using your past to hurt you, well... what can I say... It dosen't sound like love to me. Try to arrange some form of relationship counselling, and if he won't go with you, then go on your own. All in all... it dosen't sound like a very happy relationship and there's no sign of what would help it to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 He is not fighting fair, if he escalates it into that ultimatum, and if he brings up your being raped. He does that because he's trying to win at any cost, at any cost to you. This is not a good sign, he lacks empathy and coping skills.
I completely disagree with the anonymous poster who told you that you can't have any male friends, by the way. Marriage is a partnership, a commitment to each other and your future together, it is not the ONLY relationship you need for a balanced life. If he's to be your rock, then he should stop throwing stones at you, trying to crush you. Make sure that you have friends and family supporting you in this, at least one person who can help you when you need to talk. This site is helpful for people, I hope, but the support system provided by your close friends and relatives is much more valuable.
I don't know how the fights start or what they're about, but this escalation you've told us about is a huge red flag to me. There needs to be trust, and compromise and balance in a relationship and it sounds like you're doing all the compromising and he has no trust. This is not going to go away or get magically fixed unless you both realize that this is toxic and that you both need to work on it. You might realize this, but he has too as well.
I'm going to point you at Ask_oldersister's article here on Dear Cupid and ask that you read it over and see if this might apply to you. I'm also going to suggest that you get yourself into counseling, even if he doesn't want to go, because you need some coping tools to deal with this irrational anger you seem to be getting from him. It might be a good time to talk about the rape experience and just see if there's something more that can help you not shatter into pieces when he throws it in your face.
Here's the link to the article:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
Take care of yourself and let us know how things go for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Anon back... Honey, take divorce right off that table. It is NOT a bargaining tool, it is not to be used as a threat. YOU need to be the one who breathes deep, turn toward your husband and BE NICE. He wants to fight, you need to love. Soon, with time, he will love you SO MUCH for being the one who de-escalates and brings back the happiness. What say? You don't feel loving? Well, fake it, eventually it will be natural. Experience speaking to you here, I have a difficult immature husband, who feels like the luckiest man in the world for being happily married when so many around us fail. I have to be the one who leaps over small buildings sometimes to make it so, but it is worth it in the long run.... Also, you need to take all other men out of your life if you want to be happily married, no more texts.
...............................
A
female
reader, confused.commm +, writes (14 May 2008):
confused.commm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhiya, thanks for such a rapid reply. you've both added some form of dimention on my problem. 'anonymous' your prbably right, i'm the one that probably needs to work on saving my relationship for the both of us. i do question myself sometimes, is it me? what am i doing wrong? i've got a really hectic life, studying, working and all the rest. i try my best with him. when were happy, were REALLY happy, its like 'pinch me' happiness, (which isn't often) we tend to argue more, and when we do argue it reaches to an extent where he always mentions ''i'm leaving the decision in your hands, u decide what to do-is it going to be divorce, or we seperate''. Our arguments always escalate, even when i dont want them to. Its painfull.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): You need to leave all male friends behind, you are married now, dear. Love your husband, even when he is being a whiny little brat. If you leave your past behind, eventually he will too. Marriage is not easy, and it does take two, but if only one is trying, you have to try twice as hard to stay loving toward your spouse, respectful when they are hurtful. And for goodness sake, please sleep together, lots and lots of sex. I have a difficult husband who is jealous and insecure, and in the beginning, he exhibited somewhat similar behavior. Patience and a true desire to be married to that man, and to make things work, to make him feel like he is the most important person in your world, which is actually who he is! Men need to feel like they rock your world, you are his wife, and he needs you to need him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you anymore and is trying to make you break up with him. I also sense that he resents you....
Maybe you should think about couple's counselling?
...............................
|
