A
female
age
41-50,
*onelywife17
writes:I'm not sure what to do about my husband. Our marriage is falling apart because of his lying. I don't trust him. He knows this. He seems to care at the time, but it doesn't come through in his behavior. Today I found out about another lie, another devious thing done behind my back. I'm at my wits end and I need help. Any advice?Here's the back story (briefly):We have been married for about 2 and a half years. I now know (though I didn't at the time) that he started "cheating" online about 6 months into our marriage. He has signed up for online dating websites looking for discrete sexual encounters. None have ever materialized (that I know about) but the mere fact that he was even looking hurts. He does not view this behavior as cheating but I do. This has supposedly stopped, but it took quite a while (many months) for it to fully stop and that was only because I got really strict about checking his internet usage and limited his access to the internet in places where I can't control what content he views. While the internet dating website issue has died down it's been replaced with other online behavior that worries me. There was a girl at work that he liked. To my knowledge, nothing came of this (she's in a relationship with someone else) but he's wanted to "stay friends" with her. When I asked him to take her off of his facebook page he did but then added her back later and told her he only did it because I made him. After promising me that he would have no further contact with her (he no longer works with her) I found out that he had still been text messaging her. Long story short - I don't trust him on the computer or his cell because of this past misbehavior. He sees me as controlling. I see myself as incredibly anxious and desperately trying to get him to behave. I'm trying to protect him from himself and protect myself from his hurtful behavior.He has had a gambling problem in the past (now in remission for close to a year). But, while gambling he incurred substantial debt that we are still paying off (and will be for a long time). I stood by him during this dark time and have paid heavily for that decision (loss of friendships, having to take time off of work/school, humiliation and embarrassment, stress of debt, etc.). I don't blame him for having a problem with gambling, but I do believe that he has to accept responsibility for the consequences of his behavior. To me, this means sacrificing things he wants for himself (a new motorcycle, a fancy cell phone, etc) until the debt is paid off and earning back all the trust that was lost because of his lying. While he agrees to this, his behavior doesn't reflect this belief. He gets upset when I shop or get anything new and thinks he should get stuff as well. I remind him that the debt isn't my fault but he doesn't seem to care.The current problems:1) I found out that in the past few months, he has charged things to my credit card without my consent. These have been relatively little things but none-the-less, it broke my trust. He has returned what he can and has agreed to pay me back for the rest and thinks that this should make us even. To me, it's a good start, but I still don't trust him again yet. The worst part is that he didn't tell me. I had to find out when I saw the bill. And when I questioned him on it, he didn't confess right away. 2) I found out today that he went and got a new cell phone (one that can access the internet) without my knowledge. He says that his work is paying for it. I'm not sure whether or not that is true but either way I still don't want him to have it. When I first found out, I questioned him and he denied it repeatedly. He eventually admitted that he had done it (but only after much badgering). I want him to return it. I don't want him having access to the internet that I don't know about. I also don't want him to benefit from lying and doing things behind my back. I told him that if he really wanted a new phone that bad he should have talked to me and should have made a compelling argument as to why we should spend money on that when he has a perfectly good phone at home that is less than a year old. I don't want to let him keep it or he'll think he can get away with doing whatever he wants behind my back. I hate playing the role of the parent, but feel like I have to because he isn't taking any responsibility himself.It's so hurtful. All I want is full disclosure. I want him to tell me everything, the good and the bad. I've told him that I can not promise to never get upset if he tells me something bad, but that I do promise that, when reacting to bad news, I'll keep in mind that he told me the truth instead of lying. I've told him that if he lies about bad news and I found out he'll be in even more trouble because of the lie. I want him to earn my trust back. To do that, I feel that he needs to accept his punishments and tell me everything - all of the time, so that I know for sure that nothing is going on behind my back. For now, I want to check his e-mails, limit his access to the internet, and check his cell phone on a regular basis. I know that sounds invasive, but my hope is that he won't do anything bad if he knows I'm checking so he might get caught. I don't want to have to monitor him this closely forever, just until I feel more secure. He's agreed to his, but then continues to do stuff behind my back. He knows how much his lying hurts me (I've told him) but he doesn't seem to stop even when he promises that he will. I feel very strongly that there should be no secrets between husbands and wives.Am I over-reacting? Is there a better way for him to earn back my trust (other than telling me everything and having no secrets)? Should I make him return the phone or let him keep it? I don't know how to make him stop lying. He's gone to therapy but it hasn't worked. He's promised, swore on a bible, everything, but he still keeps secrets and lies. He does not seem to understand how this fear and distrust consumes me. It's interfering with my health, with my work performance, with my friendships, and is ruining my marriage. I'm at my wits end! If this one issue were fixed we'd have a great marriage (not a perfect marriage, but a great one). But I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to leave, I want to make it work, but I don't know how. Every day I'm scared of what bad thing he'll do next. He never tells me I always have to find out. If I didn't snoop I wouldn't know half the things that I do. He hates that I snoop but I feel justified because I find these secrets and lies.I don't know what to do. Please help!
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female
reader, faithfulwife  +, writes (28 July 2009):
I feel your pain. My husband is also doing things online and talking to girls, although he constantly claims that he has not cheated on me. He is also however a consistent lier, and everything that I know I had to find out on my own. I have forgiven him time and time again, and we just recently talked about divorce. Last night he came to me saying that he could change, and that I just need to be happy and help him. I agreed for what will be the last time, but when we tried to make up and sleep together I have to say I didn't feel right, and I don't know if I can give him any more trust. I would love to talk to you or anyone going through the same thing. My email is [email address blocked]. I wish you two the best, and I hope that both your husband and mine can change eventually.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): hey there, i have experienced some of your issues and I got tired of the lies and I called the lady's husband and that made everybody mad, but i had been paying for this man cell phone and he was calling his coworker everyday and i found out and was told a lie, then she lied so i let it go for ten months and then he let her use his credit card and i got tired and called the husband and now everyone is mad at me but in order to solve something i deliberetly lied to him about something and now he is all hurt that i actually lied to him now he has started telling the truth.
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A
female
reader, Lamb  +, writes (6 November 2008):
you are NOT overreacting. you need to set limits, he needs to earn your trust back. you would not be so possessive, anxious, jealous, mistrusting if he hadn't given you reason to feel all of the above. he needs a strong statement from ypu that if ANY dishonesty or cheating behaviour persists, you will leave. next time you catch him in the act, GET OUT and do not go back until he apologises and takes actions to show you he is willing to change.
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A
female
reader, true identity +, writes (4 November 2008):
You need to take care of yourself, you can have an emotional breakdown and fall into deep deppresion and you will face insecurity problems, pray about it and go with your gut feeling. I am in a similiar situation, I want out becuz I know I will never trust him and I'm not happy, I'm trying to get out. I have been married 10 years and have 1 child who is 15, I need to take care of myself and have friends. We all need support all of us women, I will pray for you.
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A
female
reader, roxypumkin4ev +, writes (4 November 2008):
 LOL what a nut case. Leave now becuase that's what you're going to eventually end up doing. Don't waste your time with this joke. Guys like that pisses me off. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, lonelywife17 +, writes (4 November 2008):
lonelywife17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to everyone who has answered so far. I was amazed to get such thoughtful responses after such a brief period of time. All of the advice will be thoughtfully considered.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): He will change when HE wants to....I agree with the previous poster in that he is an addict. His behavior is typical addict stuff....lying, hiding, lack of control, getting busted, being remorseful and then the cycle starts all over again.
This man will drive you crazy, you cannot control him. He will have to come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to have his addictions control him anymore and seek counseling. It will still take him many years to undo the damage he has done to himself, yet alone you.
Addicts of all kinds are very selfish people. They are controlled by their addictions and make very poor partners in life. He has to hit bottom before he will want to change.
Your best bet for happiness is to leave. Sometimes loosing a partner is enough to bring an addict to get help. There is no guarentee either way, but it is your best chance to have a good life. What you are doing now is called enabling. You should go to an Alonon meeting....it is designed for wives of alcoholics but addicts across the board exhibit very similar behavior. It would provide you some answers you have been seeking and also the support you need from other people in the same situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Hate to break it to you: He's an addict and this is what addicts do. I should know, I used to be one of those addicts.
Say it outloud: "HE IS AN ADDICT". Now, say it outloud again!
The first thing I would do is call the credit card company and transfer your balance to another card and get rid of the old card so it cannot be used. Tell them what he is doing and he is an addict. The credit card company does not want problems any more than you do.
Check your credit report to make sure he hasn't done anything else nasty. Put a freeze on your credit if you have to.
Either he straightens himself up or leave him. Tell him that boldly to his face.
I've seen so many women stick it out with addicts like these, and years later found themselves horribly in debt and children to support on their own.
I hope he straightens out or you have the guts to really think he is an addict and be prepared to move on before it is too late.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): You cannot stop or change a liar only the one doing the lying can stop!
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