A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know that Tolstoy said that every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, but I really think that my case is not that much different and that it is enough if I say that I live with an abusive husband who was not like that when we started going out. He's descent into a verbally abusive person happened slowly and coincided with us getting married and moving back to his hometown (where I have no friends or family). I wish I was more alert at the begining, somehow I let the situation get out of hand. Instead of taking care of myself and making contacts I became obsessed with his problems and trying to cotrol his behaviour (which is neither my responsability - I know- nor can I really control it).He has serious issues and is seeing a shrink. Unfortunately, it hasn't had any significant impact on his behaviour. It's been 9 years and he still yells at me, blames me for everything (a flat tire on the car he ONLY drives, bad weather...) and in his fits of rage, he is threatening to beat me up and says he'd like to kill me. He's face gets red, his eyes are poping out of his head and so do the veins on his neck. He sometimes breaks things. He has never hurt me physically and I honestly do not believe he would. But these "episodes" are so violent. I don't know if he is trying to intimidate me on purpose, but he certanly always gets his way. He always apologizes afterwards. He even started saying that he's aware of his problems ever since he started therapy. But that's about it. He's never like that with anybody he knows. I only get to get this "special" treatment. I know the basic dynamics of abusive/codependant relationship. These fits of rage do not happen every day, but several times a month. What does happen every day is... I don't know how to describe it. He's always unhappy with everything. He doesn't like anyone or anything and never NEVER is he to blame for anything. If he breaks something he'll find a way to make it my fault or somebody else's. I feel powerless and do everything I can not to provoke him. I do not believe that I can provoke him, but I do know that he will see it as provocation. Long time ago, it got to the point where I don't really live anymore. I don't drink or use drugs. Ever. I am tired, have no energy, I have lost all hope. I've been looking for a better paying job for years, but found nothing. The crisis hit us really hard. I am lucky I am not unemployed. I work two jobs and earn minimum wage. My husband doesn't make much more money. He's not supporting me, we share bills, but he controls the money. He decides how we spend it. He claism that he's more capable and that our only goal is to save money. But, whenever I am the one against spending it, I always give in in the end, sometimes before and sometimes after his fit of rage.I know that I am responsible for my own life and I really want to leave him.Are there any encouraging stories out there? Has anybbdy who had no family, no friends in the country (s)he lived, earned a minimum wage (not enough to pay all the bills)manage to leave? Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): Verbal Abuse, Isolation, Manipulative, Controling you.....Oh my gosh that is worse than the physical abuse. Run like yesterday.It is only a matter of time before he hits you or worse kills you.Do not makes excuses for his behavior. Social Anxiety, OCD, PTSD. Those are those pesky excuses he uses to get away with abusing you and to better control you with.Do not be a victim. Escape now and please be safe. When you do watch your back because thease kind of creeps usally do not take it well and may stalk you or hurt you. How can you say your problem is not serious? It is way far worse than being hit you are dealing with a insane person.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): Thank you so much for your kind words and useful links!
It sounds awful, but it is easier to get help if there is substential physical abuse. Verbal abuse, isolation, manipulative and controling behaviours are not considered as important.
I know that my husband is ill (social anxiety, OCD, even some traits of PTSD) but I also know that in a way he knows exactly what he is doing, since he is never abusive in front of the people we know (that he cares about). And, more importantly he never hits me as he knows that it is the point of no return.
He's been serios about his therapy, but he cannot live in isolation from real life (job, traffic, people, bills...) and there is always something that goes wrong and triggers his rage. Sometimes more than 5 things in 2 days. That's life, shit happens. Hopefully, he'll learn to deal with it.
I was also trying to find a job elswhere in the country or EU, but it's hard. I thought that it would do us both good if we just separated for starters. (I know it would do me good).
Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 December 2015):
 To OP
I'm sorry you have been in this situation for so long, but glad that you have recognized that you need out and away. It's abusive and you do not NEED to be it physically to want to leave.
I will give you some links (for France)
http://www.counsellinginfrance.com/WHERETO/violence.htm
http://www.domesticviolencehelpparis.com/
I think the "best" thing you can do is, save up as much as you can, make sure you have ALL important papers in a bank box or easy access place (like your work place if it is safe to keep it there), have a place to go, don't let him know you are leaving and don't be in contact with him after you leave.
Do you belong to a church? Some churches offer help, but I would look at the link, call the numbers and get advice. Leaving a spouse in France might be different than the us or Denmark.
These links are not for France, but have good information:
http://www.thehotline.org/2013/06/50-obstacles-to-leaving-1-10/
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/543
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): Thank you for your answer. It gives hope.I am sorry for what you went through. I know that my situation is nowhere near that.If I were to answer your questions, I'd say that I do love him and respect him for his qualities. He shows he loves me and I know that he appreciates my qualities. But all of that flies out the window (along with teh butterflies you mention) as soon as he starts having one of his episodes. I would like to say that good times outweigh the bad times, but that is just not true. Not a day goes by that I do not do something wrong like putting the phone on the "wrong side". After the last yell-fest I started feeling realy uncomfortable thinking that our neighbors had heard him. I think that we stuck together because we mostly sailed through "worse times". Truth be told, I am not sure I would stick it out in the "good times" if he were to act the way he does.I'll start by looking for a pro-bono lawyer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): You have to think about the bigger picture it's not getting any better. He is having counselling and you need a medal for putting up with his torture. He's not hitting you but he's mentally and verbally abusing you.
So you end up down trodden and feel helpless.
You may be afraid about what to do as you've been together a long time.
But ask yourself this?
Do you respect him?
Does the good times outway the bad times?
Does he still make you feel special?
Do you still get butterflies around him?
Do you love him?
Does he show you he loves you?
If you can't answer yes then you have to bite the bullet and leave.
You won't change him and if you ever wanted to, you shouldnt be together.
I stayed with someone for three and a half years who, beat and abused me, accused me of cheating, controlled my life, checked up on me constantly hacked my fb, mailed men accusing them of sleeping with me. Put me down, spat on me, turned me into a wreck and told me to go hang myself and be with my father, yet he said he loved me, complete rubbish, I eventually got a restraining order on him and moved hundreds of miles away to get away from him, leaving my grown up boys behind, do you think that didn't tear me apart, if I'd stayed I would have topped myself or he would have killed me. I had no money no friends, and nothing, two years later I'm still surviving and although I'm mentally scared for life, anything was better than the miserable life I had with him. So don't fear you can't leave if you need to you will survive but you won't much long if you stay with him if your so unhappy, he will destroy every last bit of your confidence. Life is for the living your a long time dead. Get out and live your life. Xx
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