A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello!I am in a quandry at the moment about my sexual relationship. I have been together with my partner for almost 2 years - we started off on a long distance relationship, I then fell pregnant to him and we now have a gorgeous 7 month old baby. During my pregnancy, he wasnt interested in sex and found it hard to be intimate with me and still does! I spoke with him about it when i was pregnant and he told me that it was because he was tired from work and didnt have the energy to do it, then later he admitted it was to do with me being pregnant and wasnt turned on about it, also didnt want to 'hurt' the baby. He said that things would get better once the baby was born and that he would want it all the time and pestering me for it. Since the baby was born, he has not 'pestered' me once and it has always been me who has initiated the sex. Its getting really tiresome and whenever i try to talk to him about it he clams up and again offers all sorts of excuses. He gets angry too. I ended up telling him that I wasnt happy with the lack of effort put into our sex and intimacy and so the next night he 'seduced' me (only because I complained to him about it) What I want is for him to 'want' me and want to have sex - I end up feeling lonely, frustrated and unattractive! What can I do and how can I approach this topic with him again? (irelaise things change after a baby is born but I am tired of being the one who initates constantly! I dont want to hae to continually go to him and tell him of my unhappiness at the lack of sex and the lack of effort. He says he loves me but does he have to necessary tools to show it?!! Can anyone help me and tell me how I should talk to him and approach him? Its been almost 3 weeks since we last had sex - I would settle with once a week!! Is that too much to ask??!! Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): well if your guy is emotionally remote it's no wonder he's not interested in sex. there is something on his mind. you're right that a relationship with no communication and intimacy is a crappy one. but I don't think that asking him for more communication and intimacy is going to work either (well it hasn't been working). this is because you're just telling him what you want and how upset you feel. But clearly there's stuff going on with him too. You should show more concern for him, because you really do care why he's feeling out of sorts. when you talk to him don't frame the issue as you feeling upset at the lack of communication and intimacy - that makes it sound like you're not really concerned about his troubles but just that he give you the comfort and support you want. instead take time to ask him (without being intrusive) what's on his mind, and that's it. Don't push him to open up, just keep gently extending the invitation for him to share as much or as little as he is comfortable with. Don't remind him how hurt you are that he's not communicating or being intimate with you, because that puts the focus of the conversation on your needs and wants, which - if he's emotionally remote - he's not able to give so you're asking the impossible of him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anonymous - i appreciate your feedback, however I have 'backed off' from him on numerous occasions, even not saying anything for 2 months! great eh?! Im not sure what you mean about me not making him feel good, I am constantly telling him how wonderful he is and how much i love him and appreciate him, I feel exhausted and drained as I feel not a lot is being reciprocated and I dont mean sexually either. He is emotionally remote and I am at wits end trying to figure out how to communicate with him. What sort of relationship is one without communication or sex? A pretty crappy one in my opinion. I am suggesting that we go to a counsellor very soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I put this into Google and it came up
Spicing up your sex life! - relationship advice - Dear Cupid
www.dearcupid.org/question/spicing-up-your-sex-life.html
4 answers - 16 Nov 2010
But first i would try to spice things up. . Allow your hand to languidly slide across his thigh while watching tv. Arch your back and push ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Although I'd generally only suggest it as a last resort, I agree with the anon reader about counselling. Do you think your partner would be willing to give it a go? Perhaps his loss of sex drive has a cause which he is genuinely powerless to change. It could be a subconscious issue which is holding him back. For example, apparently some men lose any urge to make love to their partner after she's had a baby because of unresolved feelings about their own mothers, or being brought up with very rigid views about sex. Do you know much about your partner's upbringing or relationship with his mum? I think that both of you need to sit down together and have a very honest talk about your situation. Let your partner know how much you love and appreciate him, and that you're not *blaming* him for what's happening. If there's a problem, you want to support him - but you need him to open up to you, right? Communication is key. Approach him with the intention of trying to resolve the issue together, and see how it goes from there. Good luck and take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the link, I clicked on it and it comes up as an 'error' not sure why??- i really appreciate your help though!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): "I dont want to hae to continually go to him and tell him of my unhappiness at the lack of sex and the lack of effort. "
The more you do this, the less he's going to want you. Every time you complain about the lack of sex and his lack of effort, you're making him feel bad about the whole issue of sex with you so he's going to want it even less.
You should back off of him and not pester him for sex and not keep score like how many weeks it has been last. That's not the point. the point is that if and when he feels 'good' around you, then he will want to have sex with you again. you have to make him feel 'good' and by that I mean non-pressured, and make him feel like you care about him and are interested in him as a person and appreciate what he does for you as a husband and father to your child. That's what I mean by making him feel 'good'. if you complain about the lack of sex, and keep score of how many times a week or how many weeks it's been, that's kind of superficial and self-centered which is a turn off for most people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I would suggest that you consider some couples counselling as it will become distressing for your baby and to all of you to have to endure continual arguments and that will eat away at you and ruin your relationship.
As far as intimacy it is not a one way interaction and it is good that you were able to get him to interact more enthusiastically with you recently.
But it is OK for you both to initiate things on different occasions. Perhaps the following article can inspire both of you?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/spicing-up-your-sex-life.html.
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