A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 8 months has depression and erectile dysfunction. He had problems with erectile dysfunction that was quite mild our whole relationship but we still had a good sex life. But now that hes depressed as well, he never wants to have sex with me and when we do try, he cant keep an erection so just finishes himself off. Iv been really supportive and tried to help by talking to him about it and he always ends up crying and getting frustrated with himself. The other problem is that he masturbates every day and watches porn about 4 times a week. It upsets me that he can get an erection to masturbate to other girls on porn, but not with me. Iv tried to tell myself that he does it to relax and he cant relax properly with me because hes always worried about his performance. He doesn’t like his body either which doesn’t help. He said he worries about what he looks like when we have sex even though he knows I think hes sexy and im really attracted to him. Iv been feeling really down lately and thought he wasn’t attracted to me anymore but he assured me, that is not the issue. Im hoping it will get better soon. He has been stressed with work as well which doesn’t help cause he gets distracted. He also smokes weed which doesn’t help with his erections. He told me a while ago that he had a normal sex life with his past girlfriends and that upset me a bit.....then he said its only different with me because he is so in love with me and im the hottest girl hes been with so it makes him feel not good enough. He keeps saying hes sorry for being a shit boyfriend but hes not doing much to help himself and I dont know what to do to help him. He said he hates what hes doing to me and he feels selfish staying with me when im too good for him but he doesn’t want to lose me. I dont want to lose him either. I dont know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): WiseOwl sums it up perfectly. How much he loves and wants you to be satisfied makes it worse. Learn to have fun, get exercise together and just enjoy yourselves.
A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (11 July 2013):
 It sounds like he's really in love with you, but at the same time, doesn't feel like he deserves you. It means that he respects the hell out of you, a lot more than the other girls that he's been with, and that he's really scared of screwing everything up. I've been there. It means that he's kind of put you up on a pedestal. I went through the same exact thing with my best friend when I dated her. I loved her with every fiber of my being, and would watch porn because I loved her so much that I wanted to go super slow, and was afraid of messing up. I see a lot of comments above about a lot of things that are wrong with him and your relationship, but not a lot of realistic solutions. Want to know an actual fix that will help over time?
Make him laugh. Seriously. Instead of worrying about your sex life, go back to basics and go out on some dates. Have a good time. Ease into sex and stop worrying about just satisfying your needs... It'll work out. If he's still depressed after all of that, let him know that you find him attractive, and what set him apart from other guys that made you pick him to be with. It'll help so much, I promise!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): It's so early on- I'd consider leaving him. This will be one difficult life with him. No one can help him, but himself and a therapist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): Here's a suggestion. Have your boyfriend compromise. Have him promise to give up his porn and masturbating for at least a month, maybe two. Tell him you love him, and will help him to control his compulsion to seek porn for gratification.
His doctor may also need to change his prescription. Some doctors prescribe meds that are too strong, and ineffective to the problem. If he has stopped taking them without the advice of his physician, that may explain his deepening depression. Being supportive is the best you can do.
You can't do anything to stop his depression. However, if you frustrate him sexually, you can trigger deeper depression through performance anxiety. Your obvious frustration and focus on his sexual performance; is doing him a great deal of harm. You're pressuring him to correct a problem that runs deep inside his mind. That's not how it works.
You both need to abstain from actual intercourse, and just focus on making out. Kissing and caressing each other. Have him concentrate more on foreplay than actual penetration.
If he doesn't get an erection; assure him it's okay. If you don't mind oral and digital (fingers) manipulation; periodically that will give you limited satisfaction.
As long as you both keep pushing him to be normal; you'll force him into a deeper state of frustration.
He really needs to back off sex and porn altogether.
He has to rewire his mind, and work on his depression. His medication may also be a factor in erectile dysfunction. It is safe to say he has a combination of factors. Just stop forcing the issue, and cut it out with the self-deprecation.
Both of you.
Woman are not valued by their sex-appeal. Men have a more complex mind than that. Women try to trivialize the male down to nothing more than sex. We are not machines. We are human. We do have feelings; although society and culture forces the human male species to suppress openly displaying emotion. We are creatures of habit. So sometimes we have to break old habits. That takes time and effort, and an absolute will to do so.
The lack of positive male role models, and the over-dependence and exposure to digital devices, is hindering normal male emotional and psychological development. That is my unprofessional opinion.
People relate more to virtual images than they do to flesh and blood reality. So when faced with the real thing,
they panic, and don't know how to interact. Generally speaking, this seems too apparent in both males and females. The confusion of the real and the virtual. It has become easier to text than to talk.
You can't cure your boyfriend with talk. Although, you can encourage him. You'll only make things worse when you don't know what you're doing.
The nonsense about feeling less of a woman is an issue you need to work on. That's not his fault. His behavior only makes you more self-conscious. It isn't the source of your lack of self-esteem. You build or rebuild your own self-esteem, others only reinforce it. Allowing others control over that, is not healthy. That's your problem.
You both need to educate yourselves on human sexuality and
self-esteem issues. You both have the right chemistry and you care deeply for each other.
Now you have to work on your minds together. Be creative to compensate for weaknesses, and make compromise. You don't understand how the male body works. So read and seek professional opinions. This site is a good source for reference; but you need professional advice as well.
Lack of male performance is further complicated by unrealistic expectations from females. Who also lack positive male role models and depend on the media to provide examples of what male behavior should be like. Magazines and TV ads capitalize on this ignorance.
The absence of a father image, or non-participant father-figure in the household has both genders confused. Thus many young men learn sex education from porn; and it is easily accessible and highly addictive. Older males turn to porn when their sex-life is boring or routine. There is a inherent urge to find variety in sexual partners. Instead of learning to be more creative; he cheats on a perfectly wonderful and receptive partner.
She blames herself. It's not her fault.
Once you both understand what the problem is, you can properly and effectively address it. You both should find ways to deal with your own personal issues, and continue to give each other moral and emotional support.
His issues with depression and sexual performance will not be resolved over-night. He should speak to his doctor, or mental healthcare specialist, regarding his sexual dysfunction and deepening depression. He needs to read about non-medical ways of dealing with depression.
It is essential that he give up porn for an extended period of time, to lessen his addiction and dependence. This is advice I am certain even his doctor will confirm.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 July 2013):
 It sounds like a possible porn addiction, check this site for more information. This has nothing to do with you, it is addictive and he needs help to stop.
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
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