A
female
age
41-50,
*orrywart
writes:Hello aunts and uncles,I am in a situation, which I'm unsure how to deal with and wondered if anybody who has any experience of this, could offer any advice? It's very complicated and the details go back years, but I'll try to keep it to the main facts and if you need me to elaborate on anything, please ask. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read.I appear to have what is termed a 'toxic' mother.I have struggled to have a healthy relationship with her all through the years. At times I had to cut contact, as I have several chronic health conditions, which I'm told are worsened by emotional stress. Always though, I go back to contact with her, as I think that's the 'right' thing to do and stupidly hope that this time, things may be different.Now I'm in my mid thirties, I could make a permanent break from her, though I'd still be guilt-ridden, if it weren't for these two things:1) She isn't ALWAYS negative, destructive, full of drama and aggression. A bit like the battered wife who hangs on the fact that her husband can sometimes be so sweet, or a good provider, I hang in there, remembering the times when she HAS been there for me. Sadly, this is SUCH a rare occurrence.2) I have three younger sisters, who have on and off relationships with her. They are much younger than me. One is 23, one is 20 and the youngest is just 17. They all have children, while I have none, and with the younger one recently pregnant with her second, which I'm devastated about, but which my mother thinks is something to be exited about, I have lots of nieces and nephews who are dear to me and at the moment, adore their nanny. My three younger sisters are aware of my mother's faults, to a lesser and lesser degree, depending on their age and maturity. My older, deceased brother, figured out my mother before I did. Anyway, when I've broken contact with her before, my mother has done her utmost to try to turn my sisters against me and has often succeeded, by making up lies, which I've apparently said about each sibling. This makes me scared to stop contact in the future, in case I lose contact with the three girls I basically raised, and of course, my nieces and nephews, who I adore.On a weekly basis, she will fall out with one of my sisters. It's usually the 20 year old. When this happens, she will ensure my other two sisters fall out with the 20 year old too. She has finally stopped actively trying to get me to turn against whoever's turn it is at the time, but she will still try on a more subtle level.I do the 'duty' of visiting occasionally and it breaks my heart to hear how she can say horrendous things about her own children. They're not perfect, as I'm not, but some of the things she says, I wouldn't say about a non-family member!I've read a lot about toxic parenting, but there doesn't seem to be any hard and fast rules. I guess it depends on the situation...I know my mother can never be the mother I need, unless she wants to be. Even then, I fear she may be sociopathic or psychopathic, in which case, even then, she wouldn't be able to change, but I can't quite accept this. I'm unable to have children of my own and feel that if I had, rightly or, probably, wrongly, I could heal through providing that child with all the love and stability I felt I didn't have. I try to give this to my sisters and nieces and nephews instead.My partner of three and a half years, feels I should take a break from visiting for a month and reassess the situation. My ex-husband, who I'm on great terms with, knows my mother and the damage she caused, even better, as we were together 14 years. He felt, at the latter end of our marriage, that I shouldn't have any contact with her at all. Many of my friends and extended family feel the same.Can anybody offer me any advice on how best to proceed? Despite everything, I love and pity my mother, but today's visit really got to me and I'm in a very fragile state right now.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 May 2012):
 when someone is being entirely unreasonable a long reflective (completely silent throughout) reflective look can drive these toxic people to distraction. Followed by a shrug of the shoulders and a smile. And finally a little wave of the hand and a 'got to go' comment as you start walking away (and keep walking). Don't get distracted if they persist and demand that you stay. If they do that then one more shrug of the shoulders, and a smile plus a 'catch you later' as you walk out the door.
Do not feel an ounce of guilt over this.
That and perhaps accidentally press 'record' on your phone when next she has you captive while she character assasinates your siblings.
You are an adult.
Your Mom is an adult.
If you would not put up with this from a person who is a stranger then why should you put up with this from an insecure manipulative vindictive unkind Mom?
Your Mom should be someone you can reach out to, and TRUST.
Your Mom fails as a Mom on all counts.
Adopt an air, that what she wants to say about anyone, is her problem and is as a result of her own twisted logic and her toxic perspective.
You don't have time in your life for such time wasting.
See her briefly, from time to time, but adopt an air that you don't care about her (invalid) opinions.
Those (invalid) opinions are hers and no doubt will continue to fester in her insecure mind.
Good Moms support their children with kindness tact and honesty. Not all Moms are always kind, some are not tactful sometimes, and occasional white lies so as not to hurt are not unknown amongst Good Moms.
But trying to manipulate and cause deliberate misharmony and deliberate hurt would always destroy relationships with anyone. No one needs to endure that.
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 You're very, very welcome. I hope it helps.
Best of luck and thank you for the feedback.
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A
female
reader, Worrywart +, writes (13 May 2012):
Worrywart is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies and advice. You were ALL so very helpful and reassuring. Yes, maybe I need to stop worrying about always doing what is 'right'. I think I always doubt and blame myself for my reaction to my mother, thinking maybe somehow it's my fault or that my standards are too high, but then I'm generally like in life, due to having low self-esteem often.I've backed off a lot this week and when I was forced to see her, by chance, I wouldn't be drawn into anything. I merely stayed silent while she was causing drama and trying to get me to react, etc. It seemed to have a good effect, though I thought I may bite my tongue with the effort at the start! It became quite liberating after a few minutes. :)C. Grant, I shall keep your good idea in mind, should I reach that point once more. In the meantime, reading your last paragraph, Ciar, was like a light going on in my head. Thank you. Thank you all.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (8 May 2012):
An open declaration of intent followed by a complete severing of all ties is a bit too drastic and confrontational. I recommend a more subtle approach.You could distance yourself gradually while remaining upbeat and cordial. Whenever your mother does get toxic you could politely excuse yourself from her company. The same with your sisters. Don't stick around long enough to be affected by any negativity.I think it would also help you to re-examine your idea of 'the right thing'. 'Turn the other cheek' does NOT mean present other cheek for smacking. It means treat others as you would have them treat you and turning away from them (instead of retaliating) when they treat you badly. We're not morally obliged to stay and 'be nice' to people who are nasty with us. If your mother was physically ill, you'd tend her. If she suffered a medical emergency, you'd get help. If she ran out of food and was on the verge of starving, you'd feed her. THAT is 'the right thing'. You don't have to visit and make nice the rest of the time.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (7 May 2012):
 Society presents us an ideal of a loving family where mothers put their children first. The pressure to honour our mothers is so overwhelming that we hesitate to recognize the toxic ones even when the evidence is undeniable. So we allow ourselves to be browbeaten, we allow them to make us miserable, because that’s what ‘good’ people do.
Personally I think that as adults it’s up to us to choose who is in our lives. If we’re going to be emotionally healthy, we need to surround ourselves with people who are positive and constructive, who minimize drama. None of that describes your mother. You are entirely within your rights to cut the woman out of your life. Not only that, it’s a perfectly reasonable and healthy thing to do.
You rightly worry that your mother will actively work to turn your sisters against you. There is nothing you can do to stop her. What you can do is work to make her tactics less effective. Reach out to the people in the family whose relationships you value. Be consistently kind and supportive. Don’t get down into the gutter with your mother, don’t get defensive about your mother’s lies about you. Just be a kind, motherly presence to your sisters. Over time they will come to see things more clearly – your scheming, divisive mother, and the positive, affirming you.
You might begin by writing a letter. Something short, just a page, that tells your mother clearly and succinctly that you’ve chosen to reduce the negativity in your life, and give examples of the negative energy she puts off. Share that letter with your sisters. Then stick to your guns. No more obligatory visits that leave your drained and unhappy. No more infighting and backbiting. Just be the positive person you want to be. Then nourish all the relationships in your life that build you up and make you better.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 May 2012):
 You must love this woman because she is your Mother.
Beyond that, you don't have to have a darn thing to do with her......
You sound like you're trying, oh-so-hard, to do the "right" thing... that is the "right" thing as you believe others define "right." What you need to remember, is that YOU define what is "right" for you.... and if "right" is never contacting your Mother, then go ahead and do so...
Good luck...
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