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male
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*ilvaguido
writes: I recently met a women at a club. I was a lil intoxicated when i met her and i had alot of things going through my mind at the time. Anyway, we kinda got to know each other and i found out she is a month pregnant and seperated from the father and wants nothing to do with him. She went on to tell me more about herself and at the end asked me if id like to go home with her. Being the young man i am i of course said yes, probably not smart because im not familiar with the area i just moved to in Germany. Anyway we went to her house and slept together. It was good i must admit, she was surprised at the fact that i was there even with her being pregnant. She asked me to call her and wants to see me again. The thing is, im in the Army, im sure youve heard the stories of how some women use that to their advantage because the army will support the kid if we are together. It shocking to me how she sais she has fallen for me in one night. At first she was hesitant because she's 23 and im 19. The thing is her baby's father was also in the army, he's gone now and left her alone. My question is that im not sure what to do, im feelin bad because some people are tellin me to just leave her alone and that this is not a situation i want to get into and that from experience this is her way of using me. Me i feel bad because i feel like i used her, it would've been different if it was a one night stand but i told her id call her and she could see me. I guess im having second thoughts in a way, but i dont want to be a jerk, i hate this feeling of having used her. With the kid, i realize im young but i know what its like to grow up without a father and it sickens me to think this kid may have to when i maybe couldve changed it. I know this is long but please help me in your views on what i should do. Thanks for your time
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): tend to agree with Granny on this one. Let's get this into perspective. You did not use her. You both are consenting adults and you both consented to one night of sex. Now, you are feeling responsible for a situation that happened 'before' you came on the scene and slept with this woman. Now, you are feeling badly for thinking of abandoning this pregnant girl, who is carrying another man's child. Only because you both spent one night together? While it's commendable of you to feel this way I have to ask why do you feel responsible, in saving this girl? Some men like to be the 'hero'...this is one time you can't do this. If I were you, I'd be honest with her and tell her that you are not prepared to become a father and raise this child. This situation of hers is serious business and it could take your whole life off track. For her to 'fall for you' after one night tells me she is needy and scared. I feel badly for her, but she obviously made some poor life decisions to get in this situation in the first place. I would think she needs her family to help her out. Encourage her to do that. I would also think about your future and the reality of raising a family at such a young age. It's a monumental responsibility...for a lifetime. You are 19 and just on the cusp of adulthood. You should not be raising babies. This is her problem, not yours. She needs to make plans for her baby. The best you can do for her at this point is offer her your friendship and that's it. I highly recommend you do not have a love relationship with her. She made a baby with a man who doesn’t want to be a father and sadly, it likely he will never be there for her or the baby. Encourage her to do the right thing and give the baby two loving parents and a chance for a good future. Place it for adoption. Many agencies will care for her and the baby and make sure it has a good home. The agencies will find her baby a good home, and give her some counseling. Keep in touch as friends do, but you don't owe her anything.
A
female
reader, Granny +, writes (13 July 2006):
 You poor lad. You might find it surprising to hear this from a female, but I know Germany and some of the military bases there. It is a credit to you that you have a bad conscience about this and I hope you learn how to choose better in future, especially when drink is involved. I am also bearing in mind that the highly emotionally charged World Football Cup has recently ended in Germany. So many reasons to celebrate. I find it actually a strange point that she told you she is only 1 month pregnant. I have 2 kids and never clued in quite that early, which helps me to advise in your favour. I do feel very sorry too for the poor girl, who faces an uncertain future but to be honest, I scent a rat. If you decide to stay with her and support her, do not be surprised when an 8lb baby is born prematurely after 6 months. Then how will you feel? Talk immediately with your Liason officer about this, however embarrassed you may feel. Let him know now. She may try to charge you with paternity later. God knows, the woman needs help, but it does not have to be you. She invited you into her trap, feel sorry for her, she may be desperate. However, I know that abortion is legal in Germany, definitely at 1 month or State will give her motherhood and child benefits if she keeps the child. The Liason Officer can tell you how best to advise her. Decide how you feel about a relationship, once she decides how she feels about her pregnancy. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): What a sweet and considerate young man you are and you come across as someone who is not afraid of being accountable.
I think talking to her and asking what she wants from you and tell her your concerns. I think you were far from being a jerk.
Tell her that you are surprised she says she has feelings for you. Tell her that you have concerns about you being young and that you have a doubt that she may be seeing you as a ticket. Tell her that she needs to really think about her baby. Tell her that you know what it is like to not grow up without a father and that you don't wish that for her baby.
She invited you over to her place and she informed her of her state. How is this you using her?
Do we know that this other army man is the true father? Why would he bugger off? Does she know his name so her child can know its father?
What is her future plans for herself and the child?
I think it is amazing to think that a young man such as yourself could stop and feel for the unborn child. Such compassion is lost in today's fastily growing uncaring attitude.
The mother needs to have this same compassion for you and respect what you have to say.
I think she will understand and hurt only because she feels alone at this time in her life.
Where is her family? Where are her friends?
I think being a friend to her from here on out is best; until you can find out if she has friends and family. I would also suggest you figure out if there are programs for unwed and pregnant mothers.
Do what you think is best.
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