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female
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anonymous
writes: HELP NEEDED ASAP. I am going on a 2nd date tonight with a guy who i like. He says he's interested in me but it doesnt seem like that when we are together. reason for this is he seems withdrawn, shy and doesn't seem to ask me any questions about myself. As I am quite confident I ask him lots of Q's but they are not reciprocated - how should I act with him - i don't feel myself when i see him.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (1 November 2006):
 Hey again :) Well, from reading your last response, I think the best thing to do is to wait and see if he suggests going out again and what to do. If you guys do decide to go out during the day, then maybe you wouldn't run out of things to talk about, you know? You're probably just nervous because it hasn't happened yet. If you went to a museum, like in my example before, you guys could talk about stuff in the exhibition. Even if you went to a movie together you could talk about that afterwards. You know?
As for his sister saying he has a big ego and all - it might just be her being a sister. Brothers and sisters always have different opinions of their siblings. My husbands siblings think he can be loud and think he tries to get on people's nerves on purpose, but I don't see that at all. Everyone's perception of everyone else is different. You know? Don't let her scare you away. :)
And sice he just got out of a 6 year relationship fairly recently, I wouldn't bring up being exclusive just yet. You don't want to make him feel rushed or anything, you know? Just keep going out and having a good time getting to know one another. The point of seeing him is to have fun, right? Not to get all worked up about what-ifs. :)
As for him not being too talkative, maybe just try not talking so much. Sometimes people like to just BE with someone they're seeing, you know? Having a good time together doesn't necessarily mean you have to keep talking. It's not good if you feel like there are uncomfortable silences, but it's worse if you keep trying to talk about things - like it might make the both of you nervous or something. Just try and relax a little and see where it takes you.
I think that as soon as you two feel like you want to have some alone time, it will happen one way or another, even though you live with other people. Don't you think?
A
female
reader, x +, writes (1 November 2006):
oh i hope he does!
i dont really want to bring it up to be honest-its just hard.
Being only 19 its also hard to find things to do for people our age(hes 22) i dont really want to suggest anything other than a drink unless he does.
and i live at home with parents n bro so cant invite him bk to mine, n he lives with his mate n his mum or at his house where his mum n sister n her baby live.
so there is nowhere really for us to go and talk.
Also if we were to go out during the day for example i would feel awkward incase i didnt know what to say to him, or talk to him about.
Before we started 'dating' he had recently broken up with his long term gf of 6 yrs!
After they broke up he messed around with two gurls-one he works with and the other is a member at his gym.
they were both one night stand as far as he was concerned.
the second time we met up i asked him about what had happened with them since, and basically he hasnt set either of them straight. dont get it wrong though he hasnt met up with them since or got in contact other than when he is at work(well as far as i know anyway) but i dont know whether to confront him about this or not because i dont want to be strung along if he isnt setting the record straight with any of us. i know he is shy but he also told me how his sister (who is studying psycology) told him he is big headed and egotisticle; i have barely seen this side of him to be honest, but if his own sister can say it i can imagine it must be true.
that leaves me thinking is he really shy? does he really like me? or is it just a game to him?
its so hard for me to tell because i knew him before and he wasnt that kind of guy but people can change, especially when you havnt seen then for so long!
thinking about it now he seemed the more confident one when we first met up-so why do i now feel as though i have to be more confident and assertive?
i feel if i wasnt as chatty as i was(not overly) then it wud take a while before he was to say anything.
maybe i should give him a chance again to be the bolder one. but then that may seem weird if he notices!
help meee please..............
(and thank you for all your advice so far! Really appreciate it!!) X
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (31 October 2006):
Hi X - If you don't want to keep doing the same things over and over, maybe you guys could see what else there is to do in your area. Maybe go out during the day to like lunch and a museum or go to a park (or whatever else you guys might be interested in). That might give you another view of the guy and give you more things to talk about.
Or you could even stay in and have some food and watch a movie. That would also give you guys some alone time. In that case, it'd probably be easier to talk about where your relationship is going. Then there wouldn't be any sort of possible pressure from other people being able to hear - you would be able to avoid what could possibly be an awkward moment. I would only bring that up if you feel comfortable about it, though, regardless if you stay in or go out. I think you'll know when a good time is. He might even bring it up first, you know? :)
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (31 October 2006):
Hi X - If you don't want to keep doing the same things over and over, maybe you guys could see what else there is to do in your area. Maybe go out during the day to like lunch and a museum or go to a park (or whatever else you guys might be interested in). That might give you another view of the guy and give you more things to talk about.
Or you could even stay in and have some food and watch a movie. That would also give you guys some alone time. In that case, it'd probably be easier to talk about where your relationship is going. Then there wouldn't be any sort of possible pressure from other people being able to hear - you would be able to avoid what could possibly be an awkward moment. I would only bring that up if you feel comfortable about it, though, regardless if you stay in or go out. I think you'll know when a good time is. He might even bring it up first, you know? :)
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A
female
reader, x +, writes (31 October 2006):
thank you!
well i txt him last nyte just sayin hi how you doing? and he text bk which is a good start!!
i told him i had a gd tyme last thursday and i hoped he did, he said he had a really good time and can we go out again?!
so we have arranged to go out on friday night, we are going into Watford again to go clubbing.
Now i know i will have a good time but i dont want to keep doing the same things over and over.
Should i talk to him about what is going on between us? or will that just scare him off?
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (30 October 2006):
Hi Anon,
Glad to hear things went well! If he hasn't called you or anything since that night, it wouldn't be out of line to call him up. If you really like him and he likes you, then he would probably be happy to hear from you. You also say that he is shy, so maybe that is one of the reasons why he hasn't called you back.
As for you thinking you were too short with him at the end of the night, don't worry about it. We are always too critical of ourselves. It probably didn't phase him, especially if you call him back. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): i went on the date with him-as myself asking him questions etc, was rly good we both had a gr8 time.
(btw we do go for drinks and we are more comfortable then!)
he said a few really sweet things to me, and he was rly comfortable and kept saying what a good time he had, at the end of the night the cab came and he pointed out it was the same driver as last time(last time we kissed for a bit and then the cab driver drove off cuz he didnt want to wait) so i quickly gave him a kiss on the lips said bye and walked to my house. thinking about it, it must have seemed like i was quite short with him-the point being he hasnt txt me or called me since i last saw him that night.
What should i do??!?!?!?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006):
"... I am quite confident I ask him lots of Q's..."
thats just the wrong type for him. A real turn off.
You need to have an activity based date, not a conversation based one.
Cut down on the chatter. Do a fishing day, or horseback lessons (or whatever) and listen to what he says about the activity.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (26 October 2006):
Hi Anon,
When he answers the questions about himself, you could use that as a lead into something about you. That might make him want to ask more questions.
Maybe he doesn't know if he should be asking you something - he might not want to scare you off by asking you anything too personal. I know that might sound ridiculous, but sometimes that is the reason why people hold back. Like, he might not want to make you think he's trying to be nosey. Instead, it's making him look uninterested.
Maybe he just needs to loosen up a bit. I think the more you guys go out, the more he'll warm up and start asking you more things and try to have better conversations. Question - do you choose the places to go on dates or does he? Maybe he would just feel more comfortable opening up and carrying on better conversations at a place he picks? Or maybe you guy would want to go out for drinks or something. Sometimes that helps people feel more relaxed, you know? I'm not saying for the two of you to get completely smashed or anything (lol), but maybe a drink or two would help him warm up for the next date.
Take care and have fun. :)
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