A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: i got married when i was 19 years old to a wonderful guy i was in love with since the age of 15.My husband is 7 years older than me. He is the most loving, caring person i have ever met who spoiled me like a princess. i'm separating now because over time we did things that changed our feelings for each other. I was young and it was my first relationship i really took it lightly and took him for granted because i was really selfish and wrapped up in myself. From the beginning I was very attached to him and told him about my deepest secrets and he became my best friend.He paid for my school, supported me in my dreams, gave me money and things and was there for me emotionally and in every other way.I was always there for him too but i was young when i got married and was curious.Over time things happened that changed his feelings towards me. One time i got drunk and ended up in bed with a gay friend of our's in front of him. he was there he was so hurt but he still encouraged me to hangout with him because he said i'm happy if u're happy. I would go out with him and hardly even hangout with him, he became more of a best friend than a spouse. In the beginning he would ask me to dance with him but i would run away and start dancing with other people and he would even take pictures to make me happy. Last year he agreed to an open relationship because i wanted to have sex with someone else. on my birthday i got drunk again and made out with his friend he asked me to stop but it happened again and he started inviting him out more to make me happy even though he was hurting he still had a smile on his face. Slowly slowly he started doing the same things he started making out with my friend and i didn't care. THEN I slept with someone and he was hurt by it, but he started sleeping around too and one day he gave up he fell in love with someone else and told me he no longer feels any connection with me. He told me over time things happened which is why his spouse feelings faded and he became more of a fatherly figure/care taker because he still loved me and didn't want to loose me. He told me i was in the relationship for comfort and care and financial support and didn't truly love him because i didn't care when he was sleeping around. i was really hurt and begged and cried for him to stay but he explained we fell out of love over time other wise we wouldn't be doing the things we were doing. i was confused hurt and depressed and as much as i wanted ti make it work it was too late he fell in love with someone else. He has moved in with his girl friend now and he tells me he's very happy but he still has feelings for me like a friend/family but doesn't see me as his wife.He's such a wonderful guy and even though i took him for granted, i want to keep him in my life somehow like a friend. i want to make extra effort to be nice to his girl friend just because he has done so much for me and and i don't want to lose his friendship.WE still hangout me and him but is it possible to be friends. how can i communicate with his girl friend and what should i say?
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Hi
I think Ciar has said and worded everything perfectly.This is not the time, be selfless, let them develop their relationship,stay well away for a long time.
You need time, to learn to live without him and his support, to grow as a person,find your own way in the world.To be independant.Until you have achieved all this you can't be friends with either of them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): That is what happen when you used someone, you took him for granted, the only reason he was sleeping around was because of you and he was making decisions on his emotions because he was so hurt but now he has someone that loves him for more than his wallet.
You have cause enough damage to your ex so therefore you do not need to meet his new girlfriend because you are bad news and I'm sure she does not want to meet you after all the things your ex told her about you so my advice to you is to move on and leave them along and next time think twice before you act.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 What exactly would this friendship look like?
Your husband needs the space to build something solid with this new woman before he can entertain thoughts of maintaining a special relationship with you.
I don't think you should approach her at all. At least not in the foreseeable future. Put yourself in her shoes. What would you think if your boyfriend's ex wife approached you about continuing a friendship with him (or forging a new one with you) so soon after the break up? What would you think of her motives?
Even if she doesn't see you as a romantic rival she will see you as a comptetitor for her boyfriend's attention. If your ex doesn't have children he shouldn't be burdened with the duties of a father. Which is what I think all this is really about.
I suspect you are still looking for comfort and care, someone to make you feel protected and special and you want his new girlfriend's blessing or possibly to enlist her as a mother figure. Hence my asking what the friendship would look like.
Maybe you can have a good friendship with them one day, but not right now. It's too soon after the break up and his relationship is too new to be introducing big challenges.
Give them both time and space, and yourself too.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Considering your history, I think what you are proposing is not a good idea. He has left you because the open relationship hurt him and confused him. He wants now to have a close relationship with one person. He can not trust you to honor his new boundary's.
I have some general advice for separating couples. There is a tendency in the world to excuse any bad or hateful behavior towards an ex spouse. I believe that that kind of behavior is wrong. I understand that those closest to you can betray you in the most painful ways. But that is no excuse to continue the hate for years. You are on the right path on that. It is natural to be jealous of the new person in your ex's life. Try to remember that she is important to his happiness. Hurting her will hurt him and push him from you. Remember that he is not yours. When you need something from him, he does not owe it to you, and you would be better off to ask her first. Don't hang out with him unless she is there.
I hope that helps you to understand the world you are now in.
FA
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