A
male
age
51-59,
*R
writes:"...that must be very difficult..," the woman from Samaritans kept on saying. I knew things were difficult, I didn't need her to only remind me!I'm not suicidal, but my last panic attack over living without my mistress was crippling me!How not to lose your mistress? Boy, I don't know.Should I even try?(My MP3 player now selects 'No Distance Left To Run' by Blur. Yeah, that'll do.)All in a blur: She came back into my life after, what? Almost 10 years? The first 'kissing affair' ending as she went back to her husband. Me? Keeping quiet. Never telling a sole; not even my wife.Then 6 months ago, She comes back to me. And I didn't draw a second breath. We connect on a level that, possibly, even my wife's love never reached.Sorry, you need a question, don't you?Try to keep it to one?Let's try:Firstly the current status:My mistress wanted a 'break' to address some issues. She even mentioned our love affair being 'too much too soon'.Of course, I give her space.But as time's gone on I have the crushing panic attacks that She's slipping away from me. She's used me (again) and I'm now so much unrecyclable litter?I'm wanting Her to keep me updated with any decisions, but Her silence only leaves me paranoid.If I leave my wife, would She still want me?Keep my questions clear? Sorry. This seems more complicated than I thought, Dearest Cupid.Okay, my main question:I (almost) got over Her once. Should I take this opportunity to leave Her (before she dumps me again)?Please help.
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affair, crush, mistress, player Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BR +, writes (31 December 2008):
BR is verified as being by the original poster of the question [UPDATE] Here's my journey guided by my Dear Cupids this festive: (search the DearCupid question list for...)
1. How not to lose your mistress?
2. Is an affair ever justified?
3. How to kill the love?
4. Resolution Number 1 Equals The End of The Affair?
Hoping for a happier new year!
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (28 December 2008):
 This one has been fun to read. But, I'd like to add my own two cents.
If you want her mad at you: Lose your mistress by cutting off blood supply. Nothing ticks off a girl more than to hear her bf is spending money on another girl. Women deny it, but money is love to us. Downside: she may tell your wife...BTW, does wifee know?
Try to stop thinking about her. Write down every crass, stupid and demeaning thing she ever did or said to you. Pick one idea and have it displayed on a billboard (costs 185/6 mos usually) where you'll see it daily.
I'm not being flippant-it looks like you've been crucified here.
Mistress would want you only if you were to raise her economic status. Old Jewish saying: When you're rich, you're handsome, funny, and you sing well too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): Ok so you have manic depression! If you were asking me to advise you on this then i'd have a whole different attitude towards you. If your question was about the hurt you feel due to your friend dying I could advise you on that. However, with regards to helping you cheat that is not going to happen. I WAS your wife in this situation and it is not nice putting her through this. I don't have much sympathy as you are going to cause someone else as much hurt as you are feeling and I think you need to build a back bone and tell your wife.
Your wife may not be perfect as you say you realised how much your wife's need for you was slipping!. What do you mean by that? Is it because she doesnt depend on you anymore. Whatever the reason this is the worse revenge possible.
But as you say you 'do not have a lot of guilt. I know I should. I've spent my whole life on my knees and crippling myself with self-recrimination, guilt, punishment. Mea culpa. But I'm left with no self-esteem.'
I just believe you have so many other underlying issues which you just proved with your last comments about battling depression for 12 years and your friends death. But toppled with all this you are still a lying cheat only thinking about yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): He's done it, he's jumped and he's trying to swim up river alone. You were right eyes, he can swim hard enough if he wants to... I'm gonna take back the lifeboat and sell it on ebay.
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A
male
reader, BR +, writes (27 December 2008):
BR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the levity. Although they do say that drowning quickly turns to feelings of comfort and warmth. Maybe I'm better off where I am. I may even grow gills. Evolution? (Yeah, I know I'm already slimy & start to stink after a few days!).
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (27 December 2008):
 You know, my favorite cowgirl, that when you seem like the "kind" aunt, I must have been really harsh. hee hee. Okay bring the smuck a lifeboat but I'll bet he'll just jump over the side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Eyes, I'm a bit worried, I better bring him a lifeboat, he can try the swimming thing later don't you think...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 December 2008):
Yea! For someone so obtuse, you got my drift. You are just playing with the aunts, now everyone in the pool!
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A
male
reader, BR +, writes (27 December 2008):
BR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, EyesClampedShut. Although your pronunciation of 'SWIM' appears to be delivered as 'drown you b*st*rd'
Very helpful. Very Cupid.
Oh, stem1981, a wee bit of background: the one good friend I could've hoped to discuss my problems with, killed himself on Sep 23. And I'm a manic depressive who's been very stable for around 12 years. I'm not a flake; professional qualifications & well-paid job, the whole nine-yards, thank you. But doctor's & therapists are on the shore now, waving.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 December 2008):
SWIM
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Your question is titled 'How not to lose your mistress' and then you say 'boy I wish I could lose my mistress'. You have major issues and I think you should go and see your doctor first thing Monday morning. He may be able to offer you therapy or maybe you should go out with your mates and have a good chat about it!
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A
male
reader, BR +, writes (27 December 2008):
BR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy mistress, half jokingly, said that 'of course she was using me' & that she uses anyone in order to get what She and her daughter need. Yes, we are all selfish to some degree. But Her statement has always bothered me.
She's never said 'I love you'. She even said that She was glad She did open herself up to me (all the way).
When I'm feeling rational, these 'indicators' appear clear and unmistakable. Boy-oh-boy, I wish a could lose my mistress!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): I know what you're going through-I've a male mistress...(gigolo?) and I adore him. I want him to love me back-he's single, I'm not. He pulls away often leaving me to declare No Contact...to ease my own pain. I wait for him to call me. No new messages. I prayed he'd find a "real" girlfriend. He did. I prayed he'd dump her. He didn't but offered me a chance to be secret lovers. Wow. I was so sex starved I agreed, thinking I could box this all up and not let it affect my real life. Duh.
Same boat as you. Am advised to ditch him. Am told he's a user (ok, then, what am I?). So, I sit by miserably wondering if he's engaged yet to the monkey he found...hoping he'll call refusing to give in and call him.
What a mess!
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A
male
reader, BR +, writes (24 December 2008):
BR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. Well, thanks to most of you. For others, sorry, yelling 'SWIM' to the drowning man, ain't that helpful. I'm sinking, not waving! Honestly. The theory of right & wrong is pretty clear, but Temptation is the practical test.
I know I'm doing wrong. Yep, I agree, NiceKid, I'm feeding myself poison and trying to work out why (while licking my lips).
I've got so many cyclic questions disabling my logical thought, that I'm lost and alone. Self-medication and self-control don't seem to break these bonds anymore.
Yes, I know I'm a cheat, a b*stard, a sh*t. But a worrying feature of my affair is this: I do not have a lot of guilt. I know I should. I've spent my whole life on my knees and crippling myself with self-recrimination, guilt, punishment. Mea culpa. But I'm left with no self-esteem or, don't laugh, ego. When this woman grabbed my attention and gave me a sense of worth (no, don't scream at me! I know this should be recognised for crap!). I realised how far my wife's need for me had slipped.
Here's the next question:
Do I admit my affair to my wife?
Silence or strength?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Hi there you basically asking us how to help you cheat...I cant help you there!
You are feeling so stressed out that you had to ring samaritans, Ive rung them plenty of times too. You dont sound stressed at the way you are decieving your wife. It just all sounds self centered. If you are feeling like this imagine how your wife will feel when or if she finds out. She is being betrayed, abused and cheated on. Even we know about it before her. Iguess if she cares enough about you she will notice a change in you and will be racking her brains on how to help you, understand you and find out whats going on. She may even be supiscious! She is probably using alot of energy showing you love but it is unrequited.
You need to decide to either keep your wedding vows 'for better or for worse' or end your marriage. If this other women is who you want to be with pursue her when you are single. My guess is that she will not be interested as maybe she senses your neediness.
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A
male
reader, damsel +, writes (23 December 2008):
Stick to your wedding vows and grow up.
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A
female
reader, damag3d +, writes (23 December 2008):
 Fell in love with your mistress, did ya? Sounds as if you still care for your wife too.
This other woman is playing games with you. She reinserts herself into her life, just as you are over her. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. The stability of her husband and the thrill of knowing that someone (you) wants her so badly that it's tearing marriage apart.
If you leave your wife, in all likeliness she will no longer want you. You will no longer be "what she can't have"....You're playing a game. Turn your focus back to your marriage and leave the mistress with hers. She will come back and try to steal you away again at which time, I would advise that you put your foot down and tell her to make a decision and stop acting childish.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 December 2008):
You are a mess, get it together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): How selfish are you (and her!) yes she used you and you are using your wife....boo hoo!
Leave your wife alone so that she can find her own way? and a MAN alot better than you. I don't even call you a man as you have the mentality of a boy.
The mistress also sounds like she does not want you....why would she?????
I personally can not advise you, but your wife....well tell her about dear cupid so that I can advise her!!!
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