A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:As a gay man, I'm struggling with gay male dynamics. What I mean by that is how gay men interact with each other sexually. I often feel surprised and hurt when I have great sex with someone and I feel discarded by them. By the same token, I feel amongst many gay men look down on displays of vulnerability. It leaves me confused over how is an appropriate way to approach sex. I started to speak to female friends who have a very different relationship to sex, this got me thinking maybe the issue in the so-called gay world is that we are conditioned like men to have sex. I feel in some ways I operate more like my female friends, i.e. sex needs to be built on trust, safeness, I need to like them and get to know them a bit first. When I talk to other gay men, they seem to flabbergasted that I would want to go on a walk with someone before I put their genitals in my mouth. My questions are a) is there a real difference in how men and women relate t osex, or is this all a generalisation applied by patriarchy? b) I understand gay men are not a monolith, but I feel very much in the minority and triggered by my lack of sex, because I need time to get to know people, whereas my friends tell me of having sex with two people a day? I feel triggered, upset and judgmental of such a casual relationship to sex. HELP! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2021): You just have not met the right guy yet.When you do you will know.Years ago when I dated in another life there were guys just as you descibed.They thought just because they bought me dinner they could get in my pants.No getting to know me.Those guys were never interested in getting to know me as they only wanted one thing.There will always be guys like that.You can always say no you have that power.Tell these guys you do not sleep with someone until you know them better.That you want an emtional relationship a!so.Weed out the no good ones that way.Someday you will find the one.Do not short change yourself you deserve to be happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2021): Being a gay-man in your 30's, it's possible you're judging people based on a particular sector of the gay-culture. Those who are young, single, and free. Ranging in age from 21 to 35. This demographic is still sowing wild oats; and not particularly ready to settle-down.
For goodness sake, don't judge people by those you've met on gay dating-sites, at pride parades, or in gay bars!!! To find the right species of gay-mankind; it will depend highly on his habitat.
Whether gay or straight, we live in a very permissive and unrestrained modern technological-society. You still abide by the old rules of getting well-acquainted, being interactive, having a sense of etiquette, good-manners, and possessing viable social-skills. I must presume you had a good upbringing; and apparently your parents were good role-models. You learn to be this way, you weren't born with good-character and solid values. You can pick things up, be influenced by good role-models, and develop good qualities on your journey through life. That's not popular in the selfie-generation! They prefer goofy self-absorbed social media influencers in heavy makeup, with perfect hair.
Welcome to the New Age my disillusioned gay-brother! Never lose hope! Patience and optimism will prevail.
When you're youthful and gay, most just want to have fun. You don't go to the gym five times a week, because you hate to be gawked at. Their main objective is to frolic in the sack (on the first-date), ditch you, and move on to their next date. Their narcissistic conceit-driven lives require a lot of attention, adoration, and casual-sex. They don't have time to be serious, or domesticated. Some do their very best to live-up to the worst gay-stereotypes. They need you and me to counter them!!!
If you're realistic, all this is to be expected; and you simply have to be patient. Success comes through perseverance and determination. If you're in a hurry, you'll rush right into trouble! I'm only telling you what your mother has already told you!
Anyone who has actually found love; knows that if you want to find true-love, it takes time. It's a slow highly-selective process. Like treasure, a good-match is not easy to find; and once you've found him or her, you must appreciate their valuable! It's precious, only if it's real. It may not last forever; but if it is true, it will endure and stand the test of time. It will withstand bumps, cracks, and challenges. It grows stronger when it's tested, and you learn things together. Love is not just a word, it is a feeling. People say it in vain, and screw-around with it. They're stupid to do that!
If you're in a hurry, you'll be sidetracked or discouraged by all the nonsense I've mentioned above. Boyfriend, all I can say is...been there, and done that!
I've never been promiscuous, because I hated that stereotype of gay-men. I met someone at about 17, we went from pen-pals to lovers over a matter of years. Until he became my partner, spanning 28 years. That's counting from when we first met; until he passed away from a rare form of cancer. It wasn't until after he died, that I learned what "gay" dating was like. I missed it all, being somewhat committed to that friendship that was an undercover gay love-affair. We even had girlfriends, and dated women while in college! I also served in the Air Force. I was mature enough to know what I wanted; so I was never really naive. I did run into a brief love-affair, which ended after 10 months. No fight or anything, I just got blindsided and dumped. Oh well, but it brought me here. I chronicled my period of recovery; and started advising others how to get through the nonsense of love, breakups, and life. I've fallen in-love again, and it's the best one I have ever had in my life. There's no such thing as perfect.
As you find yourself wading your way through the mire of promiscuous one-nighters, and online-players with six-pack abs. Just remember that everyone looking for a serious relationship must endure the modern-culture. Viewing porn is as common as watching the news. It almost seems as if a lot of gay men out there, are online just doing their best to find themselves in those porn-video scenarios they can't seem to distinguish as imaginary. They're not real!!!
The cable-guy is usually a very average-looking male, and not the least bit interested in having man-on-man action. The hot little teenage pool-boy is high school jailbait, and you're a greasy disgusting predator; if you hired him for any reason, other than to scoop dead things and leaves out of your pool!
Many gays have completely lost touch with reality! Thus, you have to date many of them!
If you can get past guys who have sex on the brain 24/7, you're making some progress. Just don't allow yourself to become too cynical, or be too self-righteous and judgmental. You're searching for love among humankind. We come with flaws, faults, and bad-habits. Your job is to keep weeding through the pile; until you find someone who has a minimum of faults and bad-habits. If you think you love him; he has to have the capacity to love you back. You'll have to kiss an army of frogs first. Just hang in there. He's making his way to you! Just make sure you really do have your act together.
You don't find diamonds, cash, and treasure just sprawled-out on the ground for anybody to pick it up. You have to work to earn it; or you have to go on a treasure-hunt to search for it.
A person to love and cherish, is a valuable as treasure. You have to work to earn them, and go on a treasure-hunt to find him. Don't be discouraged, just keep searching. Don't give-up, and don't succumb to the status quo. Maintain your morals and values; and seek someone who shares them. Nature will take it from there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 June 2021):
 We all have different values and morals.
Some women (and men) are totally fine with getting on a hook-up app, meeting a total stranger, and have sex straight off the bat.
Others are not.
I have never had casual sex. Because to me, sex means more than just the act. It means there is a connection.
You can FEEL judgemental, it's OK. Just realize that not everyone will think and feel like you do. And really YOU judging someone else... doesn't make you feel better or BE a better person.
So accept that SOME are OK with NSA, casual sex and others are not.
Find your own standards and STICK to those. If you keep meeting men who JUST want to "hit it and move on" maybe you are looking in the wrong places and using the wrong apps.
If you are NOT looking for casual sex, take the time to develop a relationship first. In the end, what matters is that you live TRUE to yourself. Not how many guys you can hook up with. For others, it might be quantity over quality.
a) is there a real difference in how men and women relate to sex?
Yes, I think so. BUT again it does come down to the individual. There are promiscuous men and women alike. And those who are not. I think for the younger part of the MALE gay community - promiscuousness is WAY a bigger part of the "culture" than straight men. Being HIV positive was a "badge of honor" among young gay men especially in the UK (not sure about the US) - Stephen Fry talked about it in a documentary. Kind of disturbing, to be honest. But I digress.
b) be OK with being a "minority". Just because MOSt of the lemming run off the cliff doesn't mean YOU have to. Right? Again, set your OWN standards, morals, and values and live by those.
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