A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:things with my ex weren't good, even though we both really loved each other. after breaking up in october and taking several months apart (no contact except for a few weeks in december) he called and wanted to see if i'd be interested in trying again. i never really understood *why* we couldn't make things work, but we just couldn't.we're both nervous abt going back to what we had before, and we agreed that we should take things slow, to see whether things could really be different.the problem is, after a few weeks ... i am more in love with this guy than ever. and i'm not really ready to be back together with him, but i'm terrified of falling for him all over again and then him changing his mind again. getting over this guy was the hardest thing i've ever tried to do, and i'm terrified that i might be losing all the ground i gained, only to end up alone again. if i were 22, maybe it wouldn't matter, but at 28, i worry that i don't have time to see where things go. i want, more than anything, to be with this guy and have things just be *good*, but i'm scared that won't ever happen and i'll end up alone.would it be better to just cut things off, without giving this relationship another chance, and hope i'll find someone else i care about as deeply as i love this guy?he's the love of my life, but i'm terrified. i want children, and i fear i'm going to miss out on that b/c i've held out too long for a love that won't ever be right, even though we both so badly wish it could be.[Moderator's note: Please state the reasons of your break up and what makes your relation unstable. Factual details preferred to obtain relevant answers.]
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): i guess my post wasn't really clear.
first of all, i obviously wouldn't have kids with this guy unless we were married. that's not even an option. we waited two years before we slept together, and we were always very careful about it.
as far as details on what went wrong ... we didn't communicate. he wasn't ready for the level of commitment i wanted, which was a constant tension that was hard to get past. (he says now he is- that he needed to grow up, and he has.) when we had differences, we never could just resolve them - it was always an argument that seemed to shockingly go nowhere. even in the midst of it, you'd feel like it just didn't make any sense, but you felt powerless to stop this disaster in the making, and it'd spiral out of control until you were both just really hurt.
this guy is brilliant and funny and endlessly interesting and entertaining. i could talk to him for days, weeks, years and never get bored or run out of things to talk about. he shares my views on the big-picture things, like the importance of family, obligation, integrity, religion, and we want a similar lifestyle. he can always make me laugh, and before things went completely batty with us, he would sweetly take care of me in a way i really needed. he has plenty of faults, but to be honest, deep in my core i honestly believe this guy is just a good human being, and i can take the good with the bad.
this guy is it for me, and that scares me b/c it leaves me very vulnerable. and it's terrifying to think he might never love me back in quite that same way, and i'm terrified to imagine losing him all over again.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 You had roughly half a year and still couldn't figure out what went wrong?
The reasons could be anything from a domestic abuse to a spat over the toilet seat. As the moderator said, include some details.
As you said, you are getting older, you still got plenty of years to be a mother, but a 30+ single mother is not going to be that hot on the singles market, so you better be sure about this guy before you have kids with him.
Frankly, you talk like a teen, you only mention love, that is cute and all, but not enough to base a long relationship on. Well love is, but the way you talk about it seems closer to a crush type love. The first few months together people are in a hormonal rush, the "love makes blind" phase. After several months apart you might have got a crush on him all over again.
What was it that made you two break up. Try and remember back to that and ask yourselve wether the reason has gone away or might happen again.
Your story works for a 16-19 year old, not for a woman a decade older. If after 6 months you still haven't been able to figure out the reason for the breakup, then maybe the two of you just need to grow up a little bit first. You still got ages to sort things out, just stay on birth control unless you are prepared to be a single mother.
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