A
male
age
51-59,
*hilae
writes:My ex girlfriend broke up with me this past August, but till continued to hang out like a couple until about Halloween. Some things in out relationship caused me to go psycho on her. I became controlling, continually asked her what she was doing, constantly asked her if she's met anyone new, etc. It became so bad the she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I recognized that I had a problem, so I began seeing a professional therapist. During therapy, I recognized that I lot of my self esteem issues are deep rooted, way before I even met my ex. I also learned what happens in the brain when I uesed to get panicky, and learned exercises on how to control it and adjust my thinking. So, I am slowly back into "fixing" myself. Well, about 20 days after my ex stopped talking to me (during which I maintained no contact), she began calling and texting like crazy. She wanted to see me, talk to me, etc. Luckily I've learned a few things during therapy, so I didn't panic or anything. Turns out that she really missed me, has come into contact with a few really bad/shady guys, and realized what a great guy I was. She is going through a lot of messed up family stuff at the time, and one of the original reasons she broke up with me is because she had a lot on her plate and didn't feel like she could be in a relationship and be alone to deal with it. And now that she was alone for a bit, she realized she didn't like it either. So I met with her, and we've hung out sporadically for the past 3 weeks. She'd spend an entire week with me, but then disappear for a few days, then I get a call from her, etc. Because I don't want to be needy anymore, I don't initiate contact. She calls me, e-mails me, etc. I've initiated 2 text conversations, but thats it. Now here is my question. I know my ex is conflicted about me. She totally disliked how I was at the end of our relationship, but I understood why and making changes. But she also sees that I am making an effort to better myself. I haven't done anything remotely close to the things I used to do. I giver her space. Tons of it. I don't question her (where she's been, etc.), not passive aggressive, etc. Basically, I'm letting her lead her life, and let her come to me. But because of this conflict and not knowing or trusting whether or not things will work out, she's become inconsistant, and definitely not dependable. Even though I don't initiate contact, when she does, I'm usually there for her. The 2 times that I texted her first and asked her if we could hang out, one was met with a "no, i really can't right now", and the other was totally ignored. Like, if she gives in to that, she's getting closer to how things were between us and is afraid that I'll go back to the way things were. I understand all this, which is why I've kinda given her a "pass" to be this way, especially with the pschoness near the end of our relationship, but this inconsistancy can't go on forever. One minute she calling me, wanting to see me, wondering what I'm up to, asks if she could sleep over, then the next I'm being ignored. Obviously I still love her and do feel like if there is a chance with us, I need to demonstrate that I've work/still working on my self esteem issues, but at the same time, I don't want the trend to be that I'll always her here whenever she needs me, but when I need her, she's only there when it's conveient for her. aka, everything on her terms. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Hi there - well done for getting help and changing for the better. in my humble opinion, i think you need to call it a day. your ex has some issues to work out and she wants you there as you are a comfort and familiar, she can talk to you or just hang out with you when she feels lonely or wants attention and an ego boost.
it seems like she doesn't want a new relationship as she has these problems to sort, so getting involved with anyone else is too much hard work for her right now, but she also wants company, so she gets that from you right? - simple! But on her terms always. she may not realise she's doing it, but her actions show different. it's like you owe it to her because of the way your relationship ended. you don't. i would suggest breaking all contact as personally i think when you've been in love with someone it's extremly hard to be friends after. break up with the view that you will never get back together and believe that, or else you will never move on emotionally. good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): I think getting back together after a break up can be very difficult and the tendency is to want to rush things because you are excited to have them back in your arms.
So I would tolerate the inconsistencies as I think it is par for the course. You do not need to be available to her at her beck and call, in fact it might motivate her a bit to come closer if you weren't. Have your own life and put your focus on you not her and it will be better for all around. You know make plans and don't cancel them and drop everything for her, make her see she needs to schedule with you, that way you start getting agreement on her part.
Also, have you told her you would like another chance of getting back together and giving your relationship a go? There must have been some things that she did to cause you to go psycho on her, what were those? Because she is the same person and unless you talk to her about what bothered you and see if those can't be resolved you will just be back to a painful break up.
That is great that you are working on yourself, not a waste of time there and will help you in your next relationship if this one doesn't rekindle. None of us are perfect, but not all of us are willing to learn from our mistakes.
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