A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm looking for some advice about my relationship break up. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 5 years and about 3 months ago he caused a bit argument and walked out on me. We were always very close and had a strong connection although we did have lots of problems and arguments because of his temper.He wanted the relationship to be more on his terms I think and this is partly why he caused the big argument but it backfired because instead of begging him to come back I got angry back and told him what I thought of his behaviour, which probably made him more angry. The thing is we have spoken on and off over the last 3 months, over the phone but over the last 3 weeks that has tailed off .. I miss him a lot and I wanted to meet up to discuss stuff or at least part on good terms. It's been three months since I saw him and I miss him a lot, I still wake up feeling anxious (we didn't live together but we saw each other a lot and went on holidays together with our respective children from our previous relationships). Is it normal to still feel like this after 3 months?? I feel better than i did when it first happened and I have got on with life as much as I can (I also have a health problem but seems to be stable these days ..).I can't quite believe the possibility that we will never see each other again. He was the love of my life so this is the first time (i am 43 now) that I have ever had to 'get over' someone in this way because my previous relationships just ran their course and ended with mutual agreement so there was no real big heartache but this time it's different. I feel anxious at the thought of never seeing him again and every day I still cry a little bit.is this normal?? and if so, how long, on average, should it take for a normal person to 'get over' a 5 yr intense relationship?? I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Hi Anonymous,
I am very sorry to read that you are suffering from relationship heartache. Breaking up is often a very painful and traumatic experience which seems to never end. The intensity and length of this grief, because that's what it is, depends on many factors and is different for each situation. Often people just "move on" because they slowly detached themselves while they were still in the relationship. In your case you were taken by surprise and didn't have any say in the matter. Humans feel secure when they are in control of their circumstances. From what I read you were not happy with your partners behavior and I suggest that given more time you would have pulled the plug. The key to your recovery is to see you ex as he really is and not how you remember him. Remind your self of his faults and realize you deserve better. You have already started to feel better but if you do not want to experience that pain again and again you need to make a decision right now. Move on! Accept that your relationship with that particular person is over. Rejoice at your release from intense emotional pain and look forward to being you. It is a changed world, there are millions of single 40+ people all having a ball. You'll get over him it may take a couple of years but the sooner you decide to start living the better. Good luck For more help and support visit my blog at http://heartachesurvivalguide.blogspot.com/
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 May 2009):
 There is no set model to figure out what lenght of time is the "correct" amount. It is ok to mourn the end of the relationship, just not to wallow in it for too long.
When YOU are good and ready to let go - even if there is "unfinished business" the anxity and feeling of hurt will mean less and less to you.
Just remember that going thru a series of "What IF's" will not do anything for you in the long run.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): My sister in law always told me it should take about half the length of the relationship, so in your case 2.5 years. HOWEVER there is no statistic that can tell you how your heart should heal. Everyone is different and it depends on the level of heartbreak and intesity of the relationship. Sometimes we never truely move on from a person. Those who have had a great affect on our lives cannot be simply washed away with time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): You are in a perfectly norman position, for going through what you have! It is a grieving process. You say it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it did in the beginning. That's because you are healing.
As more time passes, you will feel the anxiety less and less. I wish you the best of luck! And I promise you will get over it!
Britt
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