A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been on this site for awhile now, and one topic in particular really stands out to me: the whole porn debate. I've read many peoples' opinions from both sides of the issue, and I think they all make some good points, but there is one thing I wonder. How is a woman who hates porn ever going to know for sure she's with someone who doesn't watch it? So many men lie and say they don't watch, and it's too easy to hide. Just go to your browser, click private browsing, and no internet history is saved. Not even tracking cookies. So what is a woman with that viewpoint supposed to do? Especially if she's already been with multiple partners who have lied and been found out, she's not going to trust so easily in the future. Now, before anyone makes any assumptions, I'm woman who doesn't care whether or not the man I'm with watches porn. As long as he realizes it's just a movie that's not to be taken seriously, and doesn't prefer it over me, then I'm okay with it. But I know someone who isn't who would like some advice, and I'm also curious after reading the debates. I also recently read a very interesting article a gentleman wrote about porn discretion. I understand what he's saying, and I agree with him that there's no reason to ever bring it up if the woman doesn't ask. However, not many men will tell the truth even if the woman DOES ask. Can anyone shed some light on this?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 January 2013):
The consensus among women is they don't like their men to watch porn. The reasons given are many, but the truth generally lies somewhere in the fact that men watching porn makes them feel like they are not enough in themselves to keep him satisfied/happy, and that makes them feel less special/secure/significant.
The way I look at porn is like anything that provides short term reward. In itself its no big, deal, but the potential for addiction is significant. You name it, alcohol, tobacco, food, drugs, gambling, whatever. Is having a beer once every couple days an issue? No, but having a six pack a night it. Is smoking a cigar once a week an issue? No, but three packs a day are.
Right or wrong, I believe any addiction is simply a product of being weak-minded. If you are doing something that hurts you, and you cant stop for your own good, you are weak-minded. If you are one of these people, then you should really think about the consequences of even starting. Porn is definitely one of those things, and its excessive consumption is has definite negative consequences, both physically and emotionally.
Ladies, what I will say to you is this. If your man is strong-minded and not typically effected by addictions, you have little to worry about. However, if the converse is true, you may want to think about moving on. People who are effected by one type of addiction are likely effected by others, since I believe it is a consequence of ones state of mind rather than the particular addiction itself.
A
female
reader, freebird1 +, writes (9 January 2013):
good luck with that one honey..if it keeps up it will destroy his soul,emotions will be all wacked out go to thebrainonporn.com find your answers there. i too am dealing with this my second relationship. the only reason that i would not care is if i dont care what he thinks about me! they are images,then they get planted in their brains,they take a break then desire it, they will lie over and over to get to the stimulation that porn/masturbation brings. they are in a cycle that is repetitive. It takes a very strong will to overcome addiction and this one is a physical one too.So we should build our man up.Tell him he did something good. Cleans his truck, let him know it looks great!!! he will long for the next compliment . best wishes...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): The sad thing is alot of men do not understand that their porn habit is so hurtful. My ex seemed like one of the nicest men on the planet until the porn was found and he didn't seem to understand why I was so upset. He was like another person when it came to that.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 December 2012):
 My boyfriend was the one who first suggested neither of us look at it when we were dating. He also has Aspergers and struggles with the concept of lying to spare my feelings. He's really bad at it. Without being too specific, I work in computers and if I wanted to search for it, I would find it despite the use of incognito windows, though I haven't searched for it without his permission ever and the one time I did (with permission), nothing was there.
He just doesn't like it. He looked occasionally when he was younger but isn't a fan and never got in the habit. He's not a very visual person either, he is far more touch oriented/mental. He also has never expressed interest in doing porny things. Not to mention he doesn't masturbate unless we're apart for longer than a week because he prefers to build up some anticipation.
I suppose I don't know 100% that he's not looking at porn, just like I don't know 100% for sure he's not cheating on me. But I don't look for it, I just trust him. Just like I don't go searching through his email/computer/phone for texts to other women. Our relationship isn't a dramatic roller coaster of mistrust, we are compatible and each other's best friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): I am not sure why a woman would be bothered about a man viewing porn when he is single, that is completely fine by me. Once in a relationship the porn folder should remain dormant in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2012):
 Pretty much every man I know looks at porn. Even my Dad.
I have to say that before the advent of home computers you really had to hunt around to find out if they were doing it.
And back then, it was print more than movies...
Now with the internet it's movies all the time...
I have to say that if a woman does not want to date a man who looks at porn she has to be very upfront about it from the beginning.
And she will have to accept that there will be some good men out there that she will not be able to have a relationship with since they are porn users....
It's incumbent on the woman to ask about his porn use and to be honest with him when he says Yes I use porn that she cannot tolerate it, she will not ask him to change and she therefore can not continue to see him.
eventually she will meet a man who says "yes I've looked at it but don't like it, or don't use it regularly" and then she will have to either accept that as non-usage or consider that she may want to date blind men.... because while there are MEN that DO NOT USE IT NOW... or only use when NOT in a relationship there is probably not a man out there under the age of 50 who has not at least seen some porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): You probably won't find a man who classes looking at porn in a relationship as bad as a woman does. I've only ever had one boyfriend who seemed to already know porn might be a problem he said I don't watch it anyway so let's leave it there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Looking at porn when you haven't seen your girlfriend in a while is mildly acceptable. Me and my ex saw each other 4 times a week did sexual things and he still found the time to look at someone else. It does upset some people a year on and I still can't believe my boyfriend was using porn, the morning after he had been with me aswell. There is one thing you can do set up a profile on a dating site, with no picture stating you don't want a man who looks at porn. I have done this and a few people do actually answer. They can't see your picture so they won't pretend.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 Ive preferred porn to some women bc they dont meet my needs. In particular one was very boring in the bedroom n the other couldnt have sex due to her beliefs. Now ive become dependent on it for pleasure and dont know how I will be able to transition out of it when im back in a natural reltshp. Talk to ur guy n tell him u wont be upset. Compromise. Alot of men dont disclose bc they are scared of a womans reaction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): There is no way to know because you can't keep him under 24 hour surveillance forever now should you even try. And with Internet porn being free and so easy to access you can't be spending every minute of everyday checking all his mobile devices. You need to trust your partner and learn to let go of things that are outside of your control.
My opinion is that watching porn is something that is absurd to get this worked up about. If your partner had a history of say illegal activities or dangerous activities that can threaten your health or finances then I can understand going crazy being on edge wanting to know if he is still doing it because your life could be at stake. But just watching porn? Come on. Everyone is entitled to some privacy. If you could stop him from watching porn you still cant stop him thinking or fantasizing about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Well I know my boyfriend watches porn and it doesn't bother me and here's why. I've noticed in his history he watches it only when we are away from each other for a while. Like if he goes out of town, or I go out of town, or for whatever reason we are busy and away from each other for more than a couple days. Our sex life is great and he totally enjoys sex with me. It's not like he is sneaking off to watch porn when I am right there. We would much rather have sex with each other than watch porn. So porn for him is a visual stimulation when he doesn't have me. I mean what am I going to do about it? He's a guy. He's got needs that I can't always meet due to work, distance, whatever. Now it is definitely a big problem when a guy is addicted to porn and chooses pornographic visual stimulation over sex with his girl. That is not good and should be a deal breaker. Obviously men who do this have a problem. I don't know why they are this way but I do know it is conducive to heartache and it will ruin a relationship, naturally.A man's priority in a relationship should be his girl and pleasing her and enjoying her. If a guy is acting this way, I don't think you or your friend should tolerate it and you should suggest he seek professional help. It's not normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): I suppose it all comes down to trust - if she asks him and he says no she has to believe him. And if she has no evidence to the contrary, I think she should believe him. Plus it's pretty harsh to have issues with something that is not causing problems in her relationship. I don't think porn is a big deal unless it's an addiction, so if he did watch it once a year when his girlfriend is out of town then should that really be grounds to end a relationship? Not to me - only if it was causing a problem between the two of them should it be a deal breaker.
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