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anonymous
writes:What do people think of moving a 13 year old boy to a new school in a new location?Would it be a complete disaster or would he adapt? The reason is that my widowed partner and I are nearing our mid sixties and want to downsize and relocate. The problem is my partner's son. We would have to move to an area where there are good schools, but these areas are not particularly our ideal choice of where to live. I am inclined to stay put for now and reconsider when the boy goes into further education and can hopefully drive. If we stay then my partner thinks it would be harder for the boy to make friends in a new area when he's an older teenager. The boy is not really very outgoing. My partner also thinks that life is passing us by and the sooner we move the better. Has anybody else had experience of this as either the parent or the child? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you chigirl for your answer. This boy actually has very few friends and most of them he seems to speak to on one of those X Box things when they're all playing those games they play. We try to get him out and about but they all seem to prefer to stay indoors these days. Both of us have two older sons each, all in their late twenties and I know my two were off outside with friends all the time when they were young. I think my partners sons were as well. Effectively this boy is like an only child. Can you believe his mother was 47 when she had him! She died of cancer when he was 5. I knew what I was taking on but didn't appreciate that it's actually more difficult with only one child. At least with two children they entertain each other. As you and others suggest - we will include him in on our plans, show him any houses/schools we may see etc. Personally I'm happy to downsize in an area nearby but my partner doesn't want to stay here forever.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 March 2016):
 Haha, well, that was one way to put it... "a boy who has years and years ahead of him". While I see what you mean, the political correct thinking is this: "who do we put first, ourselves or the child we brought into this world and have a responsibility for until he is an adult?".
If the boy doesn't want to leave, do you know the reasons why? Is it that he is part of a sports team? Do they have similar ones where you want to move? Is it friends? Point is, does he want to stay put because of something that is irreplaceable or not?
I'd bring him along to the places where you want to live, and the schools he would be attending if you moved. Take a look at it and hear what he thinks. If he still doesn't want to leave, I really don't see why you should. You can downsize within the same school district as now. It was your partner who made the CHOICE to have a son this late in life. So honestly, I think your partner should take responsibility for it and not pretend he is without kids just because he is of an age where most people do not have under age kids any more! He's the one who chose it (and you accepted that choice when you agreed to be with him), and like any parent you can't just do whatever you want without considering the child, no matter what age you are.
So, the argument that you are this and that age doesn't make a good point. But, I still think this could be a win-win if you play your cards right. Go looking at houses where you'd want to move, let the boy get a feel for it and a feeling that this is his project too. See if he comes around. Or agree on a timeline, say in 2 years you will be moving.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. My partner has already had a chat with his son and explained the situation and his son is quite adamant he does not want to leave his school. It's a tricky one. We're at retirement age and want to move on while we're still relatively young enough to do things. Do we think of ourselves or do we think of a boy who has years and years ahead of him, whilst we are running out of time?? I wish I had a crystal ball!
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reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 March 2016):
 My advice would be to ask him. Talk to him together with his dad about the reasons you and him wish to move and the benefits of doing so and ask him his thoughts. Don't just accept a no without explanation because that to me is not reason enough to stay put. Include him as much as possible in age appropriate decisions. Perhaps even go together as a family to look at what the new neighbour hood has on offer to a young teen.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (28 March 2016):
How far is the move? Have you asked the boy himself, what does he have to say about it? If he doesn't object, then go for it. He knows better than anyone how much he has to hold on to where he is now. Even if he's not that outgoing, he can still be close to a few friends. If he has no close friends, then moving will not appear as a problem in his mind. Well, unless he's attached to something else in your current community, but only he would know this. So ask. At 13, he's more than capable of forming an opinion and his opinion should be heard.
But bottom line, kids adapt just as well as adults do. Some do it just fine, others miss their old home, and others find it very distressing and have a horrible time with it. Kids are just people, like adults. There's no saying how this particular individual will handle it.
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reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (27 March 2016):
If this young man doesn't make friends easily, I'm tempted to advise you to wait until he has taken his GSCEs unless you're in a position to have completed your move before this September when the new academic year has started.
He will need to select his GCSE options by the end of this academic year and it might be quite disruptive to his education if he moves schools once he's started studying for his GSCEs. And if you're considering moving some distance away (to a different education authority) you might find that the syllabus has changed - he might be expected to read different books for Literature for example or study a completely different period for history. So avoid moving his school between Sept 2016 and July 2018 if academic achievement is important for you (or him).
It's also difficult for shy kids to make friends when they come into a situation where there are already very strong established friendship groups. However, if you wait until he's ready to start studying for A-levels at 16, he can go to a sixth form college and EVERYBODY will be new. Of course, some of the kids will already know each other if they've been to the same school but many kids will be forming new friendship groups.
But most kids adapt remarkably well and I think that you should do what's best for your family as a whole. What does the young man in question think?
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 March 2016):
 We moved last time when our kids were 12, 10 and 8 and it's be been little over 3 years and they have ALL 3 adapted beautifully. Thankfully the school system they are in now have a LOT more activities than their old school did.
I would RATHER find a place where we would ALL be happy than move to please a kid. However, IT would make me HAPPY that my kids are going to a good school.
We had to pick between two schools up here. One that has a higher ranking educational wise, and one with higher ranking arts and sports program. Since the educational difference is negligible we went with the school with better arts and sports program and THAT has paid off for our kids. And I have to say the teachers at all 3 schools (intermediate, middle and high school) have been very good, very involved which to me is such a great bonus.
I can't imagine you two can't find a place that will make you, your partner happy AND provide a decent school for the kid.
You can also consider VISITING some of the schools in the areas you'd like to live.
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