A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a virgin. My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for a year. Why on and off you ask, or maybe you don't, but I will briefly explain why. He had feelings for me for 9 months and I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, but as soon as he started seeing someone else, my jealous inner child kicked in and I "confessed" my feelings for him. I did like him, I always did, I just honestly wasn't ready for a relationship...until I felt a pang of jealousy and wanted him back. Anyway, he stopped seeing the other girl and started seeing me instead. After a month or so, he questioned me about oral and whether or not I was ready (he had lost his virginity at 15). Me, being a total virgin, refused and told him I wasn't ready. A month later, I realized he had been cheating on me with the other girl the whole time...I was devastated, but saw it coming; it was partially my own fault, it was very irrational and inconsiderate of me to confess my feelings for him as soon as I felt like he wasn't mine anymore. Anyway, he told me that after months of having feelings for me and I ignoring him, he wanted to get me back and therefore went out and cheated...(we both have 6 year old inner children, you see). Anyway, long story short (unless it's too late to make it short) I took him back, because I was miserable, insecure, and had feelings for him. Again however, the oral topic came back. He constantly tells me: "you're not willing to move forward in life, and I'm not willing to go backwards...sex is a big part of a serious relationship and my eyes are starting to wander. I'm starting to look at other girls and wondering how much more I'd be sexually fulfilled if I was to be with someone else. You know I love you, and I know you love me too, and this is so special...why are you letting us go to waste? There's a first time for everything."Is he right? Am I a complete child? You may wonder why I'm not ready and the answer is quite simple: I'm afraid. Afraid of losing my so-called innocence, and I believe in God. Anyway, my boyfriend is an athiest. He can't put himself in my shoes and keeps telling me how sexually frusterated he is. Maybe I can't put myself in his shoes either? I love him to death, I honestly do, just because I'm not ready to give oral or have sex doesn't mean I don't. But what do I do? Is he right, am I a total useless girlfriend? There is no other piece of advice I'd rather hear than from the users of Yahoo Answers...I need some honest advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): I understand where both of you are coming from, my relationship is almost the same but from a male point of view.people have diffrent feelings about sex, but there is sex and making love!Making love can be a bond between 2 people that no one else can have with each of them, it can bring a relationship together and i honestly believe it can make one last, but my other half thinks sex is just a feel good moment and means not much.I don't get it much and it does make me frustrated but i love my fiancee and wouldn't cheat, but i have seen people get so frustrated they throw stuff about because they feel trapped in a relationship which doesn't fullfill their needs.Everyone is diffrent.You need to find out whether he wants sex or to make love. Because they are diffrent.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): For oral to be your first experience, I would say no. Girls get no satisfaction from that. If I were a virgin in this situation, I would stick with god. You will feel better about it later, and it's not that important and amazing as people say. If you have enough feelings to write about it, that just should say right there how you should feel about it.(don't do it). You will have the chance when you are married and b able to as much as u wish. If I were you, I would be questioning wheather he is the right one or not. If he wants to be that serious, then why doesn't he propose? Do what onnly you want for yourself. Don't live for others pleasure and wants. Only for their needs. If you start with this, it just gets bigger and messier because he will say we did it once, and will want more and more. Don't give in. Be proud your a virgin. Don't give in to temptation. Have a good life stranger.
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A
male
reader, roadman  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Sex helps but not the be all and end all!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Stuff and bother.. that's what happens when you give into desire and forget to be responsible and think of the consequences. I forgot to tell you that you can catch sexual diseases like herpes through oral sex. Nothing in life is easy, unfortunately.... (sigh)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Thanks babes... a little more help to make things more difficult for you.... he has offered a half way house.. oral sex, or other intimate things.... just something to think about. Sorry, probably that just makes things worse for you. It's your decision, your choice, your body and your values and morality. Do the thing you feel most comfortable with. And as an adult, I am obliged to say, sexual intimacy between teenagers is not a good idea until you are older. Many men get upset if their partner has sexual experience before she met them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA big thankyou to all of you guys for your time and answers..and special thankyou to DiovanLestat...your response was imprinted in my head and I thought about it all day today. I love him to death, but I don't know if we can stay together like this because you're right, something so beautiful and perfect just came at the wrong time. I just wish..ah who cares what I wish, I just hope I'll be okay at the end of this. Thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Sorry babes, but this is a great question for everyone. Trying to negotiate the appropriate level of sex in a relationship is very difficult.
For adults who are no longer virgins and sexual active, sex becomes a big part of the relationship, and if one partner refuses, or dose not like sex, it can definitely be the end of the relationship. Marriage/partnerships break up everyday, because one person wants more sex and one partner wants less.
For teenager under the age of consent the situation is very different. To remain within the law, the teenage couple should not be having sex until the are off age.
In your situation, your a virgin, you wish to follow the law, your boyfriend is different, he has already had sex, and he is aware you are a virgin, so he makes a compromise, to only have oral sex and to him this is fair.
What your boyfriend said is totally truthful, I don't think he is trying to hurt you and I don't think he is lying it what he says. He loves you, this is totally clear, but because he has experienced sex, he is no longer a child, he has started to play adult games.
"You're not willing to move forward in life, and I'm not willing to go backwards...sex is a big part of a serious relationship and my eyes are starting to wander. I'm starting to look at other girls and wondering how much more I'd be sexually fulfilled if I was to be with someone else. You know I love you, and I know you love me too, and this is so special...why are you letting us go to waste? There's a first time for everything."
Your story makes me feel like a teenager again. I'll tell you my story. I was the same as a teenager. I didn't believe in God, but I didn't think it was right to have sex when I was so young. I was still at school and going out with a guy who was working and 2years older than me. The sex issue came up, and I refused. He respected me and agreed to wait, but it was hard, he had sex before, he was used to having sex, so our relationship was that off a grown man waiting on a child. I worked out in my mind that this wasn't fair, he shouldn't have to wait for sex because I was too young. So I told him to find somebody else to have sex with, and he did... Stuff and bother.. it sounded good on paper, it sounded logical, but it hurt, it made me jealous, it hurt a lot.
So, I couldn't have sex, and was jealous when he did. Only one solution, I had to break it off. It was terrible, we were in love, but we were at different stages in life. I cried, he cried.. it was so damn painful.
For a year I wondered.. "You know I love you, and I know you love me too, and this is so special...why are you letting us go to waste?".. had I done the right thing... But even though I loved him, I loved me even more, it would have destroyed me, I would have been ashamed of myself if I compromised my beliefs... I met somebody else when I was older, and the time was right and the sex issue was no longer a problem.. that was right for me. My first boyfriend, well he married, had loads of kids and got addicted to drugs.. sometimes I wonder if all of that was my fault.
There is a right time for everything, and sometimes something that is beautiful and right just comes at the wrong time. I couldn't compromise my beliefs without destroying my sense of self. Love came and it went, and it came back with somebody else... It's not about love, he loves you, you love him. It's about beliefs and where you are in life. He is a sexually experienced man, you are a inexperienced virgin. You can't sleep with him to keep him, that won't make your first time beautiful, it will make it stressed and pressurised. He can't turn back the clock and be a virgin who knows nothing about sex. Your out of sync, and even if you sleep with him then you'll still be out of step.
Have sex when your ready, don't have sex to keep a man. But who knows what the future will bring, you won't be always underage, one day you'll be ready and maybe when that time comes he and you will both be free to be together without any issues.
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A
female
reader, lola_owl  +, writes (29 December 2008):
i know you say you love him but you really dont need him. no one should try to guilt you into losing your values. if you truly dont want to be sexual, then thats totally the way it should be. im a christian girl and i find theres a lot of sexual pressure put on females..but there ARE nice guys out there who will love you no matter what choice you make. the fact that this guy is threatening that he will go to other girls if you dont do what he wants, shows he is the immature one, not you.
thats just what i think, best of luck 3
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