A
female
age
30-35,
*orkingitout
writes:Please answer the mysterious question, how to trust someone?I have been in a relationship for a little over a year and we live together. I love him so much; however, I have moments where I am ridiculously jealous and insecure. I react in ways that even turn me off. For example, the other night my boyfriend went out with his buddy for 5 hours at a restaurant/bar. I was upset that he was out for 5 hours. He rarely goes out, but when he does (maybe once a week) I always have a fuss and ask him ridiculous questions about whether or not he meet other girls...I am seeing a psychologist and he has done wonders; however, progress is not moving quick enough as now I am worried I will lose the man that really cares about me. He has put up with someone crap on my end. My insecurities will ruin this relationship and push him away and even make him hate me...that is not something I want, but silly enough I keep acting the same way, at least once a month. I keep telling myself I will be secure in my worth, but I realize that he is too good for me. How can you treat someone you love this way. I was taught to love in a very sad way, and I think I need to re-evaluate how I am loving him. He deserves care, attention, affection, and not blame.Aunts I need help trusting him which in turn comes down to I need gaining self confidence and self value. How do you do this without jeopardizing your relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2018): I hope you get to the point you can accept being loved. You deserve it and you need it. It takes a lot to trust.
Not just for you, sweetheart; it's a challenge for everyone. When there are other factors and issues that impair our skills and ability to interact within relationships; seeking help as you have was a wise move.
Don't take the responsibility off yourself to use self-control. Only you control your behavior and actions.
I wish you the best. You took steps to correct the problem; and I think you're on the right path.
Just trust and love yourself. For whatever reasons, losing him will not destroy your world. Keeping him in-sight and monitoring him around the clock doesn't allow you to enjoy the relationship; it keeps your mind working too hard.
You are worthy of love and deserve everything you want in life. Sometimes insecurities obscure our vision and may throw us into despair. Work hard and I believe you'll get there. Even if one guy leaves you, you'll find someone even better. Only, you have to trust to deserve it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2018): I agree with everything that has been said.
Try meditation. Seriously. If your shrink specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, using mindfulness approach can help tremendously.
You stop being a slave to your fears and compulsive behavior. You are the only one who can properly meet your own needs.
Meditation helps you focus on yourself in a healthy way. It's a practice. When you do it do not set any expectation or high standards. If you have never meditated it's normal that you might experience discomfort at first.
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A
female
reader, Workingitout +, writes (10 February 2018):
Workingitout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. You both shed light on things that I need to change.
WiseOwlE when I say my psychologist has done wonders, i only mean that now I can see and understand the problem which stem from deep emotional components growing up. However, I still have wonders to go as the next steps require me to be fully mindful of the way I am acting. No one can change this but myself. It is now my responsibility to be a caring partner.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 February 2018):
 You have to learn self-control.
This isn't so much about trust as it is self-control. You KNOW when he RARELY goes out with friends it's NOT to cruise for girls. If that is what he wanted to do, I bet you he would CHOOSE to be single.
You say you CAN'T help yourself in giving him the 3rd degree when he comes home. But you CAN. It might not be EASY for you, but stopping yourself from doing things, TAKING control is important in ALL aspects of life.
Yes, your insecurities takes front seat, and in the long run I don't think you will find MANY man who wants to deal with an extremely insecure woman. NOT long term.
How do you trust? By taking control. When you have those OVER THE TOP ideas, notions, fantasies, images in your head of what HE MUST be doing when you are not looking... YOU HAVE to shut them down. EVERY time. ALL the time. YOU have to take control here.
Think of this too, EVERYTHING you are doing TO him. The needless drama, accusations, 3rd degree etc. etc. IS that how YOU would like to be treated? If the answer is no, then WHY are you doing it to him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2018): As a mental health professional here mypenny earth sweetie it may work it may not :Your bf knows your in therapy, right ? So sit down with him and say look I don’t mean to come over all psycho once a month or when your out with friends. Do you think it would be possible for you to give me a quick 5 min call so I can hear your voice and when I’m out with the girls I will do the same . Also establish rules regarding if he worried or upset at you .. that you both comes to each other first, even if hurt or angry or totally snissed off . So you can either work through it or walk away . That is all you ask of each other as you would if unhappy want to give him the chance to make it better . And you hope he would want to do the same .Relationships are never easy sailing especially if getting close has underpinning of abandonment issues prior in your life . Say to yourself .. if the worst happened I would survive and you would and it would be his loss .. that’s your worth. ( of course this applies to him as well ) Only you can free yourself with the help and knowledge .he comes home to you .. and if he didn’t .. you may grieve the relationship but have faith that you would love again and he would have lost all that loving and good women .. so why would he ..hmmm ?!And get out with your girlfriends as well .
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2018): With most people I know who are insecure and find it difficult to trust; it is because they don't seem to believe anyone could really love them. They're not sure if they are worthy of it.
They don't love themselves enough to be comfortable being partnered with someone who actually cares for them. There is no amount of reassurance that will put them at-ease.
Sometimes people have had one or two bad experiences; and leap into new relationships before they're really over the last one. Some people have a very deep fear the one they love will get bored and just abandon them at some point.
You claim your psychologist has done wonders. Care to elaborate on that? Your post doesn't seem to indicate much progress.
No one can cure you of your trust-issues. Mental-health professionals work to identify the source(s) or origins of your anxieties/insecurities, diagnose the malady, and counsel you on how to deal with them. Subscribing medication, if the medical-issue requires it.
They can't give you an estimated time-period you should see results. However; if treatment goes on and on; but you see no progress, you should consider seeking another doctor. Do your background research to find specialists in your particular area of psychological or social disorder.
How soon your treatment takes effect heavily depends on you, and your commitment to get better. It's not their job to convince you, it's your job to convince yourself when and how well you can deal with your problems. They can monitor and evaluate your progress toward recovery or functionality. People may become treatment-dependent; and some never really see any results.
They can give you trained professional-advice; and an objective opinion when they feel you are ready and able to handle a serious relationship. That really comes down to trial and error; unless there are some serious known mental-health issues that may become aggravated, or may be too fragile to handle the stress.
You just keep trying and practicing. You are totally aware of the probabilities and consequences; if you don't get a handle on your emotions and poorly-managed insecurities.
First understand, there are no guarantees in life or relationships.
Both people in a relationship are taking a risk of getting hurt; or of something going wrong. Either person can cheat or make a mistake. He's taking the risk of trusting you, and investing his feelings on someone who will never trust him. No matter what he does to reassure you. Eventually, that becomes a deal-breaker.
You will smother him out of the relationship; if he doesn't remain accessible and accountable to you 24/7. That's tantamount to imprisonment.
You don't seem to understand the concept of love. Your possessiveness over-extends into "ownership." Like he is your property or a possession. Not allowing him to show feelings of any kind for anyone but you. That's impossible, unreasonable, and totally unrealistic. It's unstable.
Unsubstantiated-fear is an overwhelming emotion. You are plagued by "what could, or might happen." That fear feeds itself by keeping your mind obsessed with potential failure and disappointment. The fear that something inevitably and most definitely will go wrong. With no fact or evidence to rest it upon! Drives you nuts! We've all been there; but not to the degree we drive those we love away, however.
Before loving other people and learning to trust; we have to learn to love and trust ourselves. It's not just a challenge for you; that's a challenge for all humans. Some of us are better at it; because we are courageous. Willing to take the chance in spite of the risk or past failure at it. Love comes with pain and disappointment. Our job is to develop a resilience and hope that we can recover from the pain and/or loss. In life, things happen and go wrong. We are not guaranteed perceptual or everlasting happiness.
No one can promise never to hurt your feelings or disappoint you. Can you promise that to anyone?
If my boyfriend didn't trust me, he wouldn't be around very long. I'm 100% intolerant of people having trust-issues; because I will break my back to prove my love and to earn their trust. I could still fail at it, because I'm only human. If never given the chance, I won't waste my time.
If you love him enough, and want to keep him; you'll practice some self-control.
You don't own each other. He is not a prized-possession, and you will not die if he makes a mistake or leaves you.
If you're alive and over the age of 25; you've survived at least one heartbreak. That's your proof you can survive losing him, or should he break your trust.
You have an equal responsibility of maintaining and valuing his trust. What guarantees can you make that you will never break his heart? You are sharing a relationship with another human being. We come with faults and imperfections. Just like you!
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