A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know my mom is a narcissist. Or maybe I am. I don't know. I hope not....My question is ... how do you tell? Little bit of back story... I started watching Bates Motel and I'm noticing some overlap when the show is juxtaposed with my real life, her mood swings, her manipulation of words and emotions to get the desired reaction or effect. Most of all, my mother didn't think I should have secrets. Not from her,not from my sister but if I were to tell anyone what was going on in our house, I was not only beaten but ostracized and ridiculed. I remember the day my sister told her that I had given someone my number. First off, my sister was no saint. This is my younger sister by the way. She started sleeping with boys at 12. I was sixteen with no sexual or romantic experience when I gave the guy my number but in my mother's head that was wrong. She pretended to be okay with it that night. She told me that she thought it was great that I was getting out but the next morning she disappeared under the guise of grocery shopping. She went to his place of work and told everyone that I had a crush on him, how long I had a crush on him and how I had never had a boyfriend before. I didn't find out until she sent me to that same store the next day and I noticed that some of the older women who worked there were laughing and looking at me. One of the guys took me aside and reprimanded me for not telling them how old I was. I was sixteen and I thought the guy was too. He told me that she had stopped by but after that day, the guy I had a crush on never spoke to me again. I hadn't intended to have sex with him. I just thought he was cute but I guess that having someone cute and male to things with was asking too much. It suited her fine though. She had just gotten dumped and she needed someone to cheer her up. Suddenly, I was invited into her room, to lay in her bed and watch TV or to put my head down on a pillow in her lap. Attention she rarely showed. But she met someone else quickly and then it was her private space again. I didn't have my own space. I had to share a room with my sister, who had her own let een though I had a job. I didn't have friends, I didn't really have a life. All I got was my mother and grandmother. I still call her sometimes, but the conversation is usually about her. I do the same thing sometimes and it scares me. It scares me so much that I'm afraid to be close to anyone. People will ask me how I'm doing and I can't make myself tell the truth most times. Other times it just spills out. What the hell is wrong with me?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 October 2018):
 My mother is a narcissist and it sounds like yours is too.
And what you fear may be the same in yourself, is actually, in my opinion, your attempts to balance the relationship by moving the spotlight that is always on her on to you for a change, which is not the same as what she's doing.
I do not see you as a narcissist.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2018): She sounds very much like she is but it could also be plain old self absorbed and lacking any real empathy.
Sadly we are bound to have some of our parents characteristics and all you can do is figure out who you are and if you feel you lean towards being like your mother in any negative ways you look at ways to avoid being so. All you can do is be the best person you can be, to treat others kindly and to consider their feelings. You may fall short of that sometimes, we all do, but it sounds like you know your mothers shortcomings, you know she wasn't/isn't very nice (that is how it comes across) and you don't want to be like her. If you feel yourself thinking you are acting like her stop and think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2018): I think you are trying to redefine your boundaries and looking back over past events in order to try to identify patterns or to relive long forgotten emotions.And yet you know it doesn't add up.You are looking down on yourself with the all but certain knowledge that you missed out.You think it is an inadequacy of yours that you had little sexual experience at age sixteen and yet that would have been the norm at that time.Your sister was sexually active at twelve or thought she was but the reality is more probably that she was sexually abused by one of your mothers partners or a family member and your mother was oblivious to it.Your sister would have believed that her role was normal or any other justification that the abuser could create so that she would never speak about it to anyone. This would mean that your sister was exploited from a young age and she could only explain it by imagining that she was 'more grown up' than you.So you felt inadequate in comparison to her and believed yourself to be a 'late developer!'Its quite possible that was the only option available to you both and you probably would have felt inadequate because you hadn't been able to protect her had you known the truth of her sexual exploitation.Now that you are older you could try to have an open conversation with your sister and see if she needs to take part in healing therapies.Your mother didn't see your sister as being old enough to engage in sex whereas with you she probably felt that it was imminently possible so she set off to straighten your Romeo out and restablish the well- brought up version of your family life. I expect life was a financial struggle and she didnt want you at home rocking a baby.You thought you were catching up with your sister not understanding the coercive nature of sexual exploitation.Someone in your life was a predatory king pin male who took advantage of your entire support system and you are now questioning the 'reality' that you lived in at this time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 October 2018):
 I don't think either of you are narcissistic. Don't know why you would think you are becoming like her. Probably because you never had good female role models growing up, to guide you on how to have good relationships. You are still attached to her, physically and mentally because that's all you have. To grow up, you need to disidentify from her and be your own person. You are 26-29 and I don't know what made you remember the times when you were 16. When you try to attach with a person and the result is often unpleasant, the bond is parasitic and needs to be cut off.
It is hard to tell people that your family is dysfunctional but more people can relate to you than you think. Many people have trouble buying a Hallmark's Mother's Day card because the sweet words in the card do not match how they feel towards their mothers. That store can make a lot of people feel lonely. My relationship with my mother only improved when we live far away from each other. That way we can only see each other at our bests, like once a year. Your relationship with your mom should not define your future with other people. The past is what you grew up with, the rest, the future is up to you.
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