How do you know when you've ruined a friendship?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships

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Question - (28 March 2009)

7 Answers - (Newest, 29 March 2009)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

This is bugging me so much that I can't sleep.

Sorry it's long but I need to get this off my chest.

I'm feeling very conflicted about a friend. Part of me feels overcome with guilt because I think I've ruined the friendship and part of me is furious at him. I'm angry because of he way he's treated me and I'm confused about worrying that I wrecked the friendship.

I desperately want to confide in another one of my friends about this but I'm scared that they'll be disappointed in me. People think I'm a good person and I don't want to let them down.

I said something nasty to a friend, and he's been out of shape about it and says that he's still my friend, but I've lost his trust forever. Part of me is scared to death that I've ruined my friendship but I'm very angry with my friend.

I used to be really in love with him. I'm going to be honest; part of me still harbors a vestige of those feelings but my love for him has faded. He had a girlfriend at the time but I eventually risked it all and told him how I felt. Well, in November they broke up. (he and I live in different countries) He wrote me this email telling me that if I were to return to his country we could try a relationship, that he needed me and cared about me. He said that he couldn't wait and he needed someone with whom he could share experiences in person... and I get that. It's just that he made out like he really cared about me. Another thing is that I had been planning to go to a country in Europe (and I still plan on going), and in order to return to his home country I would have had to give up my trip to Europe. I didn't give up my plans of going becuse I knew I wouldn't get another chance.

Anyway, a few months and not a scrap of news from him, and I was looking at Facebook a few weeks ago and found out that he has a new girlfriend, with whom he is very much in love.

Believe me or don't believe me, I'm not entirely sure he's "the one" but a couple things upset me terribly. First of all, I feel like he led me on. At the time I cared a lot for him and he made me believe he cared about me, and I feel insulted because he didn't take into consideration that he might hurt me.

Second, ever since he got the girlfriend, he's been cold to me. He used to tell me how much he cared about me as a friend, "Te quiero mucho," but he ignored my emails. For YEARS he told me that I was his best friend but now he's in a relationship and he began ignoring me. That day that I was on Facebook I noticed he had written her five or six messages "I love you so much" every day, but he couldn't find time to answer my emails. He's made a series of promises to me and broken almost every single one. Ever since the girlfriend came into his life I've been feeling shut out.

Furthermore, he's disappointed me before. I remember two years ago I was really feeling alone and I wrote him and never heard back from him. He always said he cared about me but he was always doing stuff to make me question that.

Here's the bad thing I did:

I was feeling angry, ignored, and shut out, and I lost my temper. Immature, I get it, but I was very angry and we all do immature stuff, let's face it.

I wrote something nasty on his Facebook wall (he's since deleted it).

I'm not defending it, but I was angry with him when I said it. I've also been going through some things in my life that are making me sad, and perhaps I shouldn't have taken it out on him but I did.

A friend of his wrote on his Facebook wall, "I want to hear from you," something like that. I wrote back, "Don't take it personally if he doesn't write back to you. There's nothing wrong with you, Fulano (not his real name) always ignores his friends now that he's in a relationship. If you REALLY want his attention, though, you could always dress up like a tramp and run around half naked. Obviously that gets his attention."

He talked to me (on messenger) and he was really bent out of shape about this comment. I'm not defending it, just saying he's a hypocrite. He says he's hurt and sad and disappointed and that he never would have expected this from me. He says that he'll never trust me again, but he has let me down time and again, and I always forgave him.

He knows that I'm going through some things in my life that are making me very sad, and I told him that I was angry that he ignored my emails and that I needed him to comfort me. He promised he'd write.

He wrote me an email saying, "I know you were expecting me to say some things to comfort you, but to tell you the truth, I'm disappointed in you. I would never attack one of your loved ones, and I'll never trust you again. I'll be your friend, but I can never trust you. I'm going to go now because I have to go to work..."

He used to tell me how much he cared about me as a friend but he never says that anymore. He turned cold even before I said these things.

Whether I did wrong or not,

I've forgiven him for letting me down so many times over the years, and he's saying he'll never trust me again. I always thought friendship was about forgiveness and being there for your friends and I feel so alone and I feel like he's abandoned me. I'm angry at his hypocrisy; he demands that I respect her, but he's been rude and disrespectful to me (breaking promises, ignoring me, letting me down).

He says I should want him to be happy, and I do... but it seems like my feelings don't matter to him. I'm sad (I won't get into what's going on in my life now but I have some family problems) and need a friend and he won't say anything to comfort me but he demands that I accept his happiness.

I don't think he's the one for me, but I would like to have a boyfriend, and for years I DID think that he was the one. I can't help but wonder what might have happened if I had looked elsewhere all those years.

Here's what scares me the most. I have so many emotions haunting me I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel angry at him for shutting me out and being rude and then demanding I be respectful, and I feel sad because I need him and he abandoned me, and I feel confused because I'm not sure why the hell I still want his friendship, and fearful that I ruined the friendship.

Above all, I feel guilty because most of my friends think I'm a good person and I feel torn because I want to confide in someone and I feel guilty about hiding my nasty streak but I'm scared to death that if people find out my faults, that they would be disappointed in me. I'm afraid that if all my friends knew what I did, that they would feel let down because I'm not such a nice person.

Above all, I'm angry all the time. My love for Fulano has faded but it makes me angry that I was his best friend and I'm getting shut out like a stray dog that bit the baby (lousy analogy cause I like dogs) and he's being loving and romantic to some other girl, while I don't have ANYBODY.

I want him to be happy but I'm angry that it didn't seem to matter that he hurt me VERY badly. He made out like he really liked me, he was still grieving for his ex gf at the time and it seems like he wanted me either as a rebound relationship.

I know that we come from different cultures but his behavior doesn't seem typical of ANY other guy I've known from his culture. It's just typical Fulano behavior.

I'm not going to lie, I would like to have SOMEONE. I'm so scared that I'll offend someone and I'm certainly NOT racist, but sometimes I feel very jealous. I always had my heart set on a latin guy (Fulano is mexican btw) and there are a few that like North Americans but they seem few and far between. Every girlfriend he's ever had has been a girl from his culture. Sometimes I feel like it's hard for me to compete as a North American. It makes me angry that everyone assumes that I'm a white foreign girl, so I must be (a) either a dumb, superficial, monolingual, spoiled American woman, or (b) an easy free whore, or (c) a mean, snotty b**** with the maternal instincts of a snake.

How do you know when you've ruined a friendship?

If my other friends knew what I did, would they turn their backs on me?

What do you think of this guy?

I can take an honest answer, but not a nasty one... please understand that I'm feeling very badly!

If you've read this, then thank you. It's nearly four in the morning and I still can't sleep.

View related questions: best friend, broke up, different countries, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, immature, jealous

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009):

Thanks, Star :)

I'll try...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009):

i think the two of you will be friends. But not right now there is too much misunderstanding and stupidity and anger in the way...

take a deep breath and think again what are the outcomes here. he has gone - how ever it works, not matter what he did or you did.

i think you fancied him loads. But i think you should move on and be friends later.

now move on to what?... well, you are right, it will take you a while to find someone cares and loves you. you are worth it. i think you should take time and not rush into something, i think you are bright and intelligent by your posting. To be able to attract someone from so far away suggest you are either beautiful or sassy. (you can choose which).