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female
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anonymous
writes: How do you know someone is the one for you? How much do you compromise? How long do you wait for someone to be the person you need them to be? How many times do you start over before you get it right, and should you really be starting over to get it right? I've been asking myself these questions for five years now..he's very loyal, but not very organized,driven to finish his education, or hold a steady job. However, each time we start over it gets better in all areas. But like i said its been 5 yrs. I'm almost done with my education and very driven when i want something. I want someone at my level, who can settle down with me. I love him for many reasons, but he's not there on that ready to start a life together phase..but if i leave him, i'll miss him and while content to just be me, i'll still be wanting something more. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): To say that you "just know" is probably too trite. If you find yourself compromising, then you're ignoring the instincts you had when you started dating this guy. To hope that someone will change is to invite compromise and disappointment. Don't waste your time - if you listen to your instinct you will know he's not for you.In my case, after being with someone for 16 years (married for 11 of them), I've come to the following understanding: While my marriage gets better every day, there is something that my wife may never be able to provide that would make our relationship complete. Had I listened to my instinct from the start I might have made different choices. However I strongly believe in taking responsibility for the choices I've made in my life, good and bad. I won't throw away a great marriage based on the absence of one thing.Your guy hasn't yet asked you to marry him - don't let it get that far. It doesn't appear that mutual adoration exists in your relationship after five years. This is a problem that is too serious to rationalize away. It's time for you to stop investing effort and end this relationship so you can look for someone who adores you and is smart enough to tell you so (everyday). If at the same time you adore this person, you've got a good starting point. The rest is still a lot of hard work. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (8 May 2006):
 I don't often share my story of my husband and I for it sounds very sappy, but it is what real love stories are made out of. Hopefully it will give you hope that fairy tales do happen.
Years ago I sat on the back porch with just a friend carving pumpkins, laughing, and all of a sudden I looked over at him and a feeling washed over me of warmth and pure happiness. At that moment I knew he would cherish and love me for he rest of my life.
I didn't share my 'magical' moment with him until he told me how at that same time of pumpkin carving he had an epiphany of love and emotion and knew that I was the only woman for him forever. He described it like a lightning bolt, mine was more like a warmth pouring over me, but both did what was intended. We loved each other since that moment, we now love each other more then we did at that magical moment, and each day our love grows.
Compromise was never, and has never been an issue we were first good friends and saw eye to eye on everything that was important. My husband was who I needed him to be the second I met him though we didn't meet until we were in our mid-twenties and married after a reasonable courtship.
Over the years we both have encouraged the other to seek their dreams, supported each other in our pursuits, and each of us has changed to become a better person.
I wasted so many years on other guys, I wasted my tears, my heart, my trust and my hope. And during all that time he was looking for me. He took time to develop himself, his education, and his career while looking for his perfect woman (me). I only got to know him because I was taking a break from serious relationships and having only friends around. My break from dating was over a year long and I met a lot of really nice guys as friends only. I would have never gotten to marry him if I had jumped at the 1st,2nd,3rd-28th guy's interest in getting together more seriously. During that time we became friends then really good friends then best friends then we carved pumpkins, got serious, married, bought a house and had a couple kids.
I kick myself now that I wasted so many years trying to make the wrong relationships work. I was stealing that time, that could have been with him. Each day with him is so precious that those days, weeks, months, and years I wasted feels like a crime against my very soul.
Many women find comfort in being in a relationship but if you're not available you don't even have a chance of finding that perfect someone for you.
YOU ARE someone's perfect woman and you have a perfect man for you, out there looking for you.
IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE THEN TO BE WITH THE WRONG GUY!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (8 May 2006):
How you know someone is the one for you, it's a feeling of magic, (to quote a movie)it sort of feels like coming home but no home home you have ever known. The feeling is full of love and trust and it is a pure magical experience.
How much to compromise, not one bit on the important things. Statistically number one thing marriages break up over is money, you have to have the same view on money or it won't work. Next communication if you don't see eye to eye on politics, religion, family, sex, career, education, children, etc it won't work.
How long do you wait for someone to be the person you need them to be, not at all. Waiting never changed anyone. You can pray, you can beg, you can leave and come back but the only way anyone will change is if they want to. They might put on a good show for awhile, but sooner or later they will be who they want to be, no matter how much it hurts you.
How many times do you start over before you get it right, if you're just dating NONE, if you're married give it at least a month. Dating is a time to go out and find what you want. Some people will have some qualities you like other will have things you didn't even know you wanted in a relationship.
Somewhere out there the right person is looking for you and if you keep yourself attached to the wrong person then you will never find them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2006): Only you can decide what to 'settle' for, but if you want my advice don't settle. My mum always told me dont marry a man thinking that you can take the bits you like and chanege the bits you dont. If you marry someone to be aware that the bits you like will always be there and the bits you dont will get worse with age, so either you can accept the total package or you walk away and basically I feel that is what you need to do you need to look at your boyfriends strengths and weaknesses and see if you love him and want to stay with him in spite of the weaknesses and lets face it we all have them.
Anyway good luck, just follow your heart and you wont go far wrong!!
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