A
female
age
30-35,
*ustwannabehappy
writes:Hey everyone.So basically my question is how do you know when to break up... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We've had ups and downs but it has been good! However lately, these past couple of months, I've had some thoughts about breaking up. It's like I'm sometimes really in love with him and sometimes thinks I'm missing things in the relationship or missing out on other guys. The thoughts kind of come and go and that's why I don't just break up with him.There is also the fact that my boyfriend is the best, he treats me well, is nice, funny and amazing! We have so much fun together and he is my best friend! But when I have these off-times, I don't want to kiss as much or have sex and he annoys me for no reason ... I'm 20 years old so I have also been freaking out about having such a serious relationship when I'm so young... But on the other hand I thinks things are good with my bf, just don't know if they are good enough.The things I don't like are for example that we never hang out when we're out with friends, we just both do our own thing. That's not very couplish in my opinion... I don't feel inlove but afraid to lose him and regret it...Our relationship can be more friendshio ish... He just doesn't think so and is still very inlove with me... The last thing is that I just get this urge to be single and free, (I'm going to university after summer) but also afraid to lose my boyfriend... So do you have any tips on how to feel with yourself and make the decision? Stay or go? Fight or "give up" on it? Thanks and have a good night!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): Yes its time if you have to ask?
A
female
reader, justwannabehappy +, writes (9 March 2015):
justwannabehappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi!
Thanks for your very elaborated answer, I really appreciate it!
You're right, we can do more things together, which are out of the ordinary. We are planning a vacation together!
The problem is my feelings towards him, sometimes I feel restless and bored in the relationship, yes but sometimes those pass and sometimes they also make me feel sad in the relationship.
I think I really have to wait and see, how I feel after we've tried and if I really get clearer thoughts and feelings I think I would know what to do. Time and effort will probably show me!
Just want to clear some things up about the not being together when we're out! I'm not at all concerned he's doing something shady, I trust him completely. And I'm not clingy, will never be and don't want to. It is just that lately we have not spent any time together at all when we were out, and we did that before. Not all the time, hanging off each others arms but just enjoying each others company! It was cozy and we have a lot of fun when we are out and still spent some of the time together. I think we both want to, just get distracted by our other friends, which is fine. I'm just a girl who loves to dance, and he doesn't but will do it for me sometimes. That's what I'm missing, but I'm not demanding his attention the whole night, as I enjoy doing things for my self and spending time with our friends ;-)
I just think that it's weird I have these feelings when my boyfriend is SO nice and respectful. Really the perfect boyfriend, sometimes it might just be the circumstances which can have an influence on things.
But you're right, I think when you want to break up you're sure, and only time and changed feelings will show that for me. I just hope I get some clearance soon, one way or the other, as it is in my opinion really confusing and hard to be in situation where you just don't really know what's going to happen :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): You're very young, so naturally you'll get restless when things become predictable, sluggish, or too routine. Young people need a lot of stimulation and excitement in their relationships. You may not be getting enough physical exercise; so time to time you'll daydream and hatch crazy stuff in your head.
You're too young to be domesticated.
So consider joining a gym and getting into some spinning classes together; or hiking trails with your friends. Join activity clubs together or by yourself. Don't limit your outings to just the typical club scene. You and your boyfriend need adventure. Maybe plan vacations or holidays together out of the country. Being alone together away from familiar surroundings gives you a feeling of closeness, exhilaration, and re-sparks romance. Speaking from experience here!
To be honest, you are right. You haven't really dated a variety of personality-types enough; so you're too distracted within your committed-relationship. Usually, if the feeling comes and goes; and suddenly out of nowhere you feel happy and content, it is because you care for your boyfriend and relationship more than you think. There's a time in any relationship that we sometimes take each other for granted. We get so used to being close to each other; our minds wonder, and we start imagining what it's like to be with other people. That's a sign of boredom in your relationship. It still might mean the relationship is running it's course. So be honest with him and with yourself.
You need to talk about your relationship with your man; and where it's going. Ask him if there is anything he feels he's missing. Before you do, think about the things you feel you're missing. First and foremost, be mature enough to handle the truth. Don't open that door, then run back scared. You're the one who wrote this post. Something is going on in your mind. You may have already made it up.
Am I missing the target here? Let me know.
Breaking-up out of boredom will leave you regretful and anxious. He'll move-on, and you'll end-up wanting him back the minute he finds someone else. You have to make sure it's not just a passing-phase; where you've hit a rut or plateau in the relationship. Maybe you just get to see each other too much. You have to pursue your own interests, discover new recreational-activities, and explore your own creative-side. So you'll feel your own individuality and independence. I recommend pursuing your own interests, but share them together from time to time. My boyfriend and I do that all the time. I've learned to do things I never knew how before; because he taught me how. I've taught him stuff he couldn't do, now he's a showoff! He's terrified of horses. I love them. We haven't conquered his fear yet. I intend to! I go riding a lot during warm seasons. On my bucket-list.
You're trying to make your relationship too much like a marriage. It's not. You complain about not feeling "couple-ish" when out with your friends. You should have a series of moments that you step apart to mingle with others; then return to each other. Giving each other breathing-room; and allowing your own personalities to come out and spread about the room. You don't have to hang on his arm all-night.
That's a posture insecure-people take when they feel awkward, need to establish their territory; or they're treating their mate like property. Sticking to him like a label. That clinging-behavior is more appropriate for newly married-people than a couple. Being a new spouse is different. Keeping their close-proximity sends the message about the room you're more than just a couple. You're unavailable. Don't get that twisted. Not when one or the other is "too clingy." Even when you're married, you still have to separate to mingle and be sociable; but you respectfully find each other in a crowded room.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend disappears out of sight, and is gone for too long; of course that's disrespectful. They're probably up to no-good. Nowadays, you have a phone app to know just how close-by they are. I'm not one to use it. I'm not a ball and chain. Mine has a distinct laugh, I know it from anywhere in the building.
If he's just across the room, or his voice is within earshot, chill-out. You're socializing, so you both should get to chat with your friends independently. The guys may go one-way, and the ladies the other; but always checking in, to let each other know you're safe and close-by.
If you can see him in plain sight, relax. If he disappears, that's when you get concerned; he should always make you feel respected and stay visible if you are out together.
He is allowed breaks to the restroom! Alone!
I think you feel the way you do; because you don't feel you have enough independence. There are sure signs when you should breakup.
If fighting becomes too frequent, if he becomes verbally or physically abusive, if you feel neglected and ignored, when you feel forced to be together, your feelings are waning, and you lose sexual-attraction for him. Then it is time to seriously consider whether you should part. You are a little co-dependent; so the thought of flying solo may make you hesitant. If the feeling to separate overwhelms you, you'll know without a doubt. It's time!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 You have to decide which issues are fixable, and which ones aren't. When you say you live separate lives that could be changed. You can schedule private time just for the two of you. What's more challenging is the lacklustered passion. Only you know if this is the ebb and flow of a relationship, or something that happened 2 months ago. When you first met everything was exciting. There was enough chemistry that last you two years. But also you met him when you were 16 so your taste might have changed by now. It could be that the infatuation period is over and you've gotten comfortable.
What you decide to do is based partly on your personality. If you are adventurous then you would probably feel a serious relationship stifles your spirit. I understand why people might freak out on serious relationships because it means that during off times you still make the effort and it takes a sure person to do this.
Commit to it first, then if after a few months your doubts are still heavier than days you are happy then you can conclude that your relationship has run its course. When you have so many unanswered questions then it's not time to give up yet.
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