A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you help a long distance boyfriend who's stuck in a rut?My boyfriend's been Depressed for about a year now and he just never does anything anymore. He works long hours during the week and lives by himself. On the weekends, he never sees his friends. He ignores all texts and calls from them and spends literally all his time alone. He doesn't even wash his bedsheets or dishes anymore. All he does on the weekends is stay inside, watch TV, and play on the computer.It makes me so sad because he used to be so different. He'd be out with friends every weekend, going to see bands play, going to dinners, parties, etc.Now he has completely isolated himself from everyone. When I suggest he meet up with his friends, he says he's too tired/not in the mood/they're busy/excuse after excuse. It's been like this for over a year now. I can't remember the last time he saw his friends - probably 7 months ago when I organized a night with them, and that was because of me.He's on antidepressants but won't see a therapist and obviously nothing's working. He's gained 50 pounds, he never exercises anymore.....he's just completely changed.And I'm in another province at the moment for school so it's not like I can just jot over there and help him.What do I do??
View related questions:
depressed, in the mood, long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Am afraid he needs to be able to help himself here. I know that it is painful for you to sit and watch your boyfriend self destruct and go in to a deep depression. There are some steps that you can do to help him:
1. You say he refuses to go to a therapist to talk about it, but does he accept that he has depression? If he wont talk to a professional then encourage him to talk to you, but try and get him to see that you are worried and would like him to get help from a professional, but am afraid you cant force him in to anything.
2. Again with the professional help, a lot of people wont give in and seek medical help as they feel that they are weak people who cant cope on there own and they feel even lower having to ask for help, therefore it is your job to make him see that going for help is a brave thing for him to do and that it takes a lot of courage for someone to take this step and encourage him that it is a positive step and the right one to take.
3. Do some research for yourself in to clinical depression so that you understand more about what your boyfriend is going through at the moment. Learn how to recognise the signs that your boyfriend is getting better and remember to keep encouraging him. Learn how to support him the best way you can, and educate yourself on the issues that you should be careful about around him, ie the causes of why he is depressed.
4. The one thing your boyfriend needs most is for you to give him emotional support. He needs compassion and understanding. Telling him to snap out of it or to lighten up and enjoy himself will only make him ten times worse because he will feel more alone than ever, remember you need to sympathise with him. Ask him things like How can i help you and ensure him that you will always be there for him as support and to help him through this. Some people with depression try to pretend that they are ok but if you truely know the person then you will be able to tell when they are lying.
5. Spend some physical time with him, i know that you are busy with work and that it is a LDR but for any relationship you need to spend time together, and right now he needs physical support from you as well as emotional. Things like taking a walk, watching a movie or going out for a meal are all great activities to do with your boyfriend. Maybe sometimes you could ease his work load by helping him with the cooking and cleaning but make sure that he does his share as well and work as a team.
6. Look out for possible suicide suggestions, i am not trying to scare you hear or anything but depression is well knowing for being the highest factor for so many suicides therefore we always need to be on our gaurd. Look out for any suggestions he might make, like if he makes a statement like ' i wish i were dead' or 'i dont want to be here anymore'. Statements like these need to be taken very seriously as its a severe cry for help. If you notice this sort of behaviour then go straight to a professional yourself and tell them your concerns.
7. Never try and tell some one that is depressed that there feelings are wrong. Instead try to sympathise and ask them if there is anything you can do to make them feel better.
8. It can be very hard to deal with someone that is depressed. Expecially a guy you love. Sometimes you may put a lot of effort in to making your boyfriend feel better and cheer him up and you might just be met with pessimism like he doesnt care. But remember that it is the illness and not you and dont get angry at him over it.
9. Remember that it is a lot of responsibility on you as well and you should talk to people as well, maybe talk to your parents, or his parents maybe his friends as well and voice your concerns.
10. Always remember to take care of yourself. It can be easy for you to wrap yourself up in your boyfriends troubles and forget about yourself. Feelings of anger, frustration and helplessness are completely normal so just remember that, and remember to look after your own personal health and take some you time.
11. most importantly keep regular contact with your boyfriend as best you can. Call him on the phone and maybe also write an encouraging letter or card to his home, visit him whenever you can. He will know then that you care deep about him and that he is not alone and that your willing to stick by him.
Sorry for rambiling on and i hope that your boyfriend is better soon, the best of luck and wishes to you both.
|
