A
female
age
41-50,
*heatedandLiedto
writes:For all those who have been cheated on, how do you get passed the hurt and get on with life again? I feel so empty and I can't seem to find a way forward. After having been with my husband since I was 19 (now 31), I feel so lost. I don't even know where to begin. It makes it harder having a young son. Life as a single mum, people do it, I just don't know how. Please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): "A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010):"
This person has been there, and writes truly. It is painful, it is hard, and it takes a lot of work.
I've been there, I'd say the same thing she said.
I will say this, you are young at 31, you can and will get through it, but get professional help, understand that it wasn't you that caused the cheating (it is the other persons issues), read everything you can (I read 4 books and tons of articles), and believe in yourself. Don't go out and make the same mistake that your spouse made.
It takes a long time to work through, give yourself time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): I learned that my husband cheated on me 12 years into our marriage. I felt as if someone had set of a nuclear bomb, destroyed my life and every idea I had concerning who he was... and our life together,.... and handed me a world that was disillusioning, heartbreaking and utterly frightening. He was the only human being I ever trusted... and I trusted him implicitly. I was destroyed.
Franticly, I utterly consumed every single solitary resource available on cheating... the why's... the what should I do's ... you name it. I gathered information and insight. I told no one.
I understand what you are feeling right now. I never slept. Lost weight (which was a blessing in disguise) and lost everything that mattered to me... that innocence was gone forever...
I didn't divorce him. I fought everything inside of me that told me I should walk away... after all, cheating is a deal breaker, right? But it didn't turn out to be so simple. Three years later we are still together. The pain emerges and I flip out from time to time... The nightmare has become my new normal. Fortunately, his cheating ended when it was discovered and he has put the hard work into finding out WHY he did what he did. It is usually never as simple as some try to make it seem... there are 'time bombs' inside of some people and when certain things happen in their lives... these internal bombs implode... and they flip out.
Many will tell you that people cheat when there is something missing in the relationship. This is a flat out lie. People cheat because there is something missing inside of them... that they are seeking... or they are simply acting out because of psychological reasons.
Many will tell you that once a cheat always a cheat. I disagree and agree ... with this point. Let me explain. With self discovery... in finding out WHY they are cheating .... uncovering what is broken inside of them... what set them off... etc... they can CHANGE and leave their cheating ways behind.
Without this internal work, cheating can become a way of life.
Some are saboteurs... people who destroy their lives routinely... it becomes a self realization... self fulfilling prophecy in a way.
These past three years have been the most horrible of my lifetime... and I've been through it all. This topped it all. It is devastating.
My hand reaches out to you with empathy and compassion.... and with words that I hope will encourage you to at least TRY to save your marriage. It is painful but it is possible. Others have accomplished this. There is a support website on infidelity... survivinginfidelity.com
Give this a try. Go to this website and read the articles. In some ways it was traumatic to read the stories and the anger... all of the emotions. In other ways this group became my surrogate support system when I had no one.
Your husband must commit to the marriage for this to work... reconciliation is a tough road because it is asking us to forgive the unforgivable. Sometimes I still have major meltdowns and find it utterly painful getting close to him. After all, he was the person who hurt me more than any other living human being...
But it is possible to weather the storm and become whole again. It isn't necessary to make any decisions right now. In fact, it is a good idea to refrain from making any life changing decisions until your head and heart have cleared (6 months).
I send you love and support.
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A
female
reader, Longhornfan81  +, writes (29 November 2010):
Know that you are a strong individual, even if you might not realize it. You will have your good days and bad, but eventually, you will move on. The beauty of that scenario is that you have to.
You are still a vibrant person full of life and you have to set the example for your child.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 November 2010):
 It is hard to get on with it when you have been lied to and cheated on, and find yourself a single mother, when that had never been your life's goal. Because you wont be able to deal with emotional issues for a while, concentrate on the practicalities of every day life.
All you can do is just get on with it, go through the motions of sorting out where you are going to live (if you have to move), getting Centrelink sorted, making sure your child is okay, making sure Christmas is covered (contact Salvos or other organisation NOW if you think you may need help). Talk and cry to any of your friends who will listen.
And, although you may not believe it right now, know this, deep within your heart, that it WILL get better.
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A
female
reader, allieb19 +, writes (29 November 2010):
I know how you feel. I have been with my fiance for 7 years and found out he was cheating and in a malicious way. I am having a hard time moving on as well. My advice is don't overthink it, don't blame yourself and try to be positive in every aspect of your life and do things that make you feel good!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): Just focus on business at the moment, get busy and keep yourself busy. Keep family and friends close and spend time with them. Talking it through with them will ease the pain.
Time is the only true healer though, just know it will get more bearable, just don't try and hide from you grief, let it take its own course.
Life as a single mum is mainly tough in the beginning, but after you have all the administrative stuff dealt with and you get into a routine it gets easier.
You feel lost now, so it's time to get some focus. You need to set all the legal and admin balls rolling. You need to work out a routine etc. All this stuff will keep you busy for a while. By the time it's all done you're mind will have settled down a bit and you can relax a bit and start to go over things. But for now it's time go on autopilot and get everything set up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): You are still very young and have your whole life infront of you! it could been worse, you could have found out he cheated when you were fourty, now that really is starting over again. Lots of women go through this and they come out well and so did the kids
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): Yes it is hard,and something you dont want to face being alone. And i would say you can get past it if you can find it in your heart to trust him again,so yall can work on the relationship for yall son. keep hope alive and i wish you the best !!!
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