A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you get a girl to open up and get closer to you?I have been seeing this girl for a couple of months. I really like her and when i ask her in private she says the same but im getting frustrated because she never seems to show that to me. She is slightly younger than me and she has admitted to me she finds it hard to open up or to talk about things. I told her that i understand completely but that i think it would be better if she did. She seems to want to spend all her time with her friends and never seems to want to spend time alone with me, if i do spend time with her its usually with her friends. Which is fine because i get on well with them and they are really cool, but just a bit of time alone with her would be nice. Because of all this i have felt a bit insecure and got the feeling she is not that interested. I have been decent with her and told her how i feel but at the same time given her some space because i would never want to smother her. Still, she still responds to affection and says she likes me and has never got close to somebody she likes so much before. But i have to initiate any serious conversation, affection or communication. I get the feeling that if i didnt communicate with her for a while, she wouldnt come running after me. Is this normal? Am i asking too much? What can i do to get her to be more affectionate? She's such a hard person to figure out, which is really diffucult for me because i like her a lot, her personality is amazing. But the constant hot and cold is making me frustrated. I cant think of what else i can do. I've opened up, im kind to her, i've given her plenty of space. Help!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (27 April 2009):
I'm really sorry hun but it doesn't sound like she wants a boyfriend.
You say she is younger so it could be that she is just a bit immature for her age and she wanted you to be her friend but she is too awkward and scared to handle a relationship.
You've tried being nice and understanding. So now you have to tell her that you are sick of doing all the work in the relationship and being used as a fashion accessory in front of her friends. Tell her that she NEVER calls, NEVER asks you to go out, NEVER wants to be alone with you and tell her that you have asked her again and again and you are getting sick of it.
If this was a guy doing this to me then I would have stopped bothering by now. It's better to end now on fairly good terms and be able to meet up in a few years time when she has stopped being so much of a little girl, than to get into messy resentment and arguments and end up hating each other.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): It could simply be what she has said: that she finds it hard to open up. She might enjoy it when you show her affection, but find it difficult to do so herself. And yes, this really can be the case, because I am like that. It simply might not occur to her that you would like her to initiate things sometimes.It must be confusing for you though, because she says that she really has feelings for you. But this could simply be the way that she is. Unless she isn't really that into you, but doesn't know how to tell you.If you was to leave her alone, and not initiate contact for a while, do you think she would initiate it with you, or not bother? You mentioned that you think she wouldn't. Could you try, and maybe see what happens? If she doesn't seem concerned if you had no contact for a while though, then I don't think that sounds like a good sign.Could you explain your worries to her? Maybe she doesn't realise just how much this is bothering you. Try not to blame yourself though, you sound like you are treating her really nicely, so it's just a case of finding out what she wants. Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, JemThunder  +, writes (27 April 2009):
Dude... I had the EXACT same thing with my girlfriend. We were dating for nearly a month. She always hung out with her friends, never wanted to spend time with me, never opened up... Occasionally she wanted a kiss or something... But didn't really like much else. She ended up breaking up with me and it was rough for a few months. We got back together and have been dating for 2 months again now. This time around, it's completely different. She's completely open, loves to pour out her emotions, talk about stuff, spends more time with me than with her friends, asks me about my life, how my day was, etc.I'm not saying she is going to break up with you or anything (I certainly hope she doesn't). You said you've talked to her about it and it hasn't really helped... I mean, there is always the possibility that she really just isn't as interested as she says. That's EXACTLY what happened in my case. I really hope it's not the case for you.Something I always tried was talking to her friends. Try to see if they knew anything that I didn't know. Depending on your girlfriend, this could either upset her, or if you're lucky, she won't really care. That's always a good source of information though. The only other thing I can think of (and everyone always seems to be against this one) is just to pull away. Ever so slightly starting pulling away. She will notice it and if she genuinely cares, she will come to you. It will make her chase towards you. And that's a good chance to get her to open up and tell how she feels.I wish you the best of luck!!
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