A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you end a friends with benefits type of relationship but still remain friends? I'm thinking of telling him something like this: When I'm with you I have a nice time, but I'm not going to sleep with you anymore. Like I said I have a good time when I'm with you, so if you want to be friends that's great, but if you don't then that's great too, I'm just choosing to end the arrangement that we have now...Or something to that extent. What do you guys think? Any additions or changes?
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 If he likes to disappear like a magic act, doesn't make time to worry about you, to check if you are still fine with this "agreement", if you fully understand it - e.g. have you changed your mind, how is it affecting you, do you want to go back to being just friends, etc. he is not your friend. Next time you decide to have a FWB at least make sure you discuss the rules so you are not as surprised. I recommend you to let go of the matter, just think you both have won in the benefits area, that you felt fine with him too during the few casual sexual encounters, try keeping a positive outlook on all that's been, to minimise the feeling of hurt, and then get back out there into the dating scenes as soon as you feel ready. You must be able to move on and I wouldn't say you owe him an explanation. Wait until he asks you, if he does, at all, and then you can tell him that, benefits apart, you don't like something about the kind of friend he has been. Who knows, maybe he is open to learn from you and what you will tell him, at one point, if this adventurous hero returns to you. Don't be confused again. And next time please make sure the whole context is clear so you won't have to hope, wonder or guess. All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): i am reading a book, called What smart women knowplease, read it, and you will find answers to all your questions.my advice is to leave the situation, it's not good for any woman -a dissapearing man
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Hi, I'm the original poster...we actually met a year and a half ago through a mutual friend at our mutual friends house. We hooked up the first night we met. A little after that me and him got together one Sunday morning and we literally spent all day talking about anything and everything. Before we knew it, it was 6 pm in the evening. Somewhere in that long conversation he mentioned that he just "couldn't" be in a relationship, and I really did see genuity in his eyes when he said that, kind of like he was scared to. He then said something about having one pregnant woman under his belt (he has a daughter), and that he never wanted to have to experience that again. He said that wecould kiss and stuff, but that's it, he didn't want to have sex because he knew that girls generally felt different about sex than guys do (like, more attached). He knew at the time I was a virgin because I told him that day. I did end up staying the night that day and we did end up engaging in some sexual activity, just not sex. After 2 months, seeing each other about 3 more times, he did take my virginity, and it seemed like he tried to make it really special for me. Over the next month and a half me and him saw each other maybe another 3 times, and then all of a sudden he dissappeared. He stopped calling and texting without an explanation. So I just left it at that. That was this January of this year. In may we reconnected at that same mutual friends house, but we never talked about why we just stopped talking. We've seen each other about 4 times since then, the last time being 2 weeks ago. Before seeing him last he was texting me every 3 days or so to see how I was doing. When we saw each other last we had a nice time, went to dinner and hsd drinks and the conversation was great. Then, as usual we went back to his place and slept together. He bought me coffee in bed the next morning, kissed me goodbye, and I haven't heard anything from him since. Obviously I have feelings for this man, and I just know that this is going to end up in disaster for me if we carry on like this. And now, after not hearing fromhim for 2 weeks I can't help but feel used. Anyways, that's the background for those who asked....sorry it was long but I even cut off quite a bit..
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (17 October 2009):
 I would like more information. Did the two of you begin as boyfriend/girlfriend and break up and get to this now or did you have an agreement that you could never have more than what you have? What will happen to this relationship if you find a boyfriend or he a girlfriend? How long has this arrangement been in place?
I think for a woman this type of relationship doesn't always leave you with good self esteem feelings. It will also get in the way of you finding a healthier relationship. Why do you want to end this arrangement?
Do either of you want more from the relationship?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): How do you feel about ending this? Are you ending it because you want to? Or are you ending it because you are in too deep? I think it depends on the feelings from both sides as to whether you can remain friends or not. If neither has feelings for the other, then perhaps as there must have been a friendship there in the first place for it to develop into friends with 'benefits'. Even if there was no friendship in the first place, this will have developed over time, as you can't have sex without some sort of feelings there, even if they are just feelings of lust or even companionship. I think you need to sit down with each other and discuss this as you may feel fine with being friends, but he may feel he cannot.L x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Don't make a declaration. Unless that is how you became friends with benefits in the first place. If I was you I would just let it drift. Not tell him that I dont want to have sex with him anymore, just say no to any invitations of his to sleep over, and stop inviting him to the bed. What do you know, a few months from now he might come in handy again.
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