A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First off I really know the answer to all my problems: MOVE OUT. Later on in this letter you'll find out why I haven't yet, but I suppose I just want to share my thoughts with people who perhaps have the same problem and to find out their opinions about my situation and the kind of person I am or think I am.I've always believed that you never really know a person until you have actually lived with them, and that belief is none more so than with my own mother.Friends shower her with adulation because of her kindness and personality, but after 29 years of living with her (my parents divorced when I was 6) and many up's and down's between us it became clear years ago that she is not the same person outside the 4 walls of the house.This is not to say that she is not a kind person, but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that they don't see the other side of her and how she has turned me into the person I am.After 29 years she's still treats me like a kid, has never listened to me, embarrasses me, doesn't care about my opinions, asks me what I want but then goes ahead and does thing's regardless of what I've told her, believe's that she's right in all things and always insists I'm in the wrong. She is blind to all these things believing she is not like this at all. Nobody else would think likewise.I believe that she paints a different picture of me to her friends when she is actually the one constantly saying to me: I want this done, I need this done, can you do this for me?, can you go and get this? Her friends believe that I'm the one doing all the wanting.Basically I'll tell you what we have argued about this morning because I think it gives two good examples of what I think about my mam.Today is my birthday and this morning we had a petty little squabble that turned nasty. I only reflected on this part of it though after the row.I was in the sitting room watching television this morning when I heard my mam getting up.She was up, out of bed and in the kitchen for a full 30 minutes or so before I was wished 'happy birthday', and that was only after I walked past her in our hallway.I went into the kithen to find that some china that we have on display in one of the kitchen cupboards had been washed. So I suppose what I was really thinking at this point was that 'I can wait, the china can't'Please tell me, am I blowing this part out of all proportion?? Am I being selfish???The following part caused the arguement though.After wishing me a happy birthday she then jokingly reminded me that I was getting old (I'm 30 next year)My uncle rang to wish me happy birthday, my mam answered the phone. She then passed me the phone whilst whispering 'say thank you, say thank you'.This annoyed me right away as it's not as if I wouldn't have said thank you anyway.I gave her the phone back and when she got off it I nicely said to her that she'd just reminded me that I am nearly 30 so could she start treating me like it. A row ensued because of this comment. She just doesn't want to listen. I sometimes think that I wished I'd bit my lip and said nothing in certain situations but I shouldn't have to.I would move out tomorrow but it's not an option yet. I own/pay the mortgage on a particular family property but I have to wait for the person occupying it to 'pass on'.Would be intersting to now people's view's.Am I being childish, selfish or am I right that I have equally or just plain childish and selfish parent who is blind to her bad points because of her good reputation outside the home?
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female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (29 December 2008):
 Hi there, All of us humans have our good and bad points. I don't think too many of us behave the same way away from home as we do at home. We always, most of us anyway, want to put our best face forward in public. So your mam being extra nice in piublic is somewhat normal. There is a special relationship that goes on between mothers and daughters, I have seen it in my own family, and most people may have as well. Mothers tend to see themselves as growing older, while their daughters are coming into their young adult and sort of prime years, this causes jealousy, and also comptetition. This can cause all kinds of friction, it seems the daughter can never do anything right, if you do this, it's why? If you do the other, it's why not? So how do you win? Also we all grow up in different stages, not always in relation to our age or whether or not we have children. Mothers sometimes have not resolved their differences or issues with their own mothers and this carries over to their own relationship with their own daughter. You are receiving the brunt of many different things, understanding does not make it any easier. Your mam is no doubt unable to give you what you would like to have in this mother daughter relationship, as she is in need herself. Only the two of you going to therapy together would possibly resolve this, and I don't really think your mam can see where she is wanting. You also have to see, as I think you do, that by staying with her at your age and stage, you are subjecting yourself to this treatment. If you can't move, and therapy is not an option, then the best you can do is to ignore the situation, and stay out of her way until you can move. By the way, the Happy Birthday thing, I don't think many people rush in to find a person even living in the same house to wish them happy birthday. When you see them, you say it, some people even forget about the date, take husband's for example, they can't even remember their anniversary sometimes. So give her that, it only stands out because of the strain in the relationship already. Bottom line, when you are grown, you need your own space, your house, your rules. So if you are going to stay there, you have to have an attitude adjustment and bite you tongue as you say. Avoid her, for peace of mind. Happy 2009. Stay in touch. Take care.
A
female
reader, redemption +, writes (29 December 2008):
I've been in the same boat. My mom used to controlling and mean to me at home, but outside of our house, it was completely different. It took us getting into a physical fight shortly after my 18th birthday for me to make a hard decision, and to leave.
I left and didn't talk to her for several weeks. It was hard being a high school senior, working full time, and sleeping in a friends spare bedroom, but it taught her and I a very valueable lesson.
I moved back in after she agreed to seek counseling, and I attended with her. I finished my senior year of high school and we moved to a new state for a fresh start. She's a much better mother now, and we've learned to communicate.
I can't say doing the same will fix your problems, but you have to start somewhere.
I think at 29 though, it's time to move out!
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