A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband recently found out that I had a affair that ended over a year ago. After weeks of living apart following his discovery, we are trying to work things through and I am delighted that he is back home. The problem is that we now struggle to relate. We have been talking about the affair a lot and I have told him all there is to tell and said how sorry I am. Now we struggle to relate. He seems to have a wall around himself (understandable), but mostly we just stay in each other's company without interacting or we are simply polite. I don't know what to do to move forward from here and wonder if we will ever be able to restore our intimacy? Should I just give it time, or is this how it will be from now on? What can do to help the situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): you make it seem as though he is at fault here, and that you are actually getting a raw deal. please put yourself in his position. how would you have reacted. i think that YOU have punished him enough already. he doesn't deserve your punishment, your condemnation and your frustration. i also get the feeling that you wish he wouldn't bring up your affair. what person in his/her right mind wouldn't. i actually feel so very sorry for him. i wish you actually did as well. you cannot down play your affair and your betrayal. you have messed up and now subtlety you are crying wolf and expect him to turn a blind eye to your indiscretions. You have no right to be angry. I think you need to question yourself and stop blame shifting. Does your husband know what he is in for with you, does he know that you have destroyed his life and yet you believe you deserve better. Give yourself a mental shake and snap out of it. You are the one at fault here and stop tormenting him further. You yourself need to do some serious soul searching and I hope one day he can forgive you. From your post it seems as though you just want him to get over your affair and deal with it. For your sake I hope this is not the situation. You have a lot of accountability. Whether you accept it is something else. And yes, the aunts here know a lot about your topic : Affairs and the destruction it causes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): I am the orginal poster of the question. Thank you for the very good advice from these aunts. You all seem to know a lot about the topic.
I can see where your are coming from and feel bad for getting soooo frustrated with his constant questioning about details that are just hurting both of us. The more answers I give the more questions I get. Everyday feels like punishment. In these cicumstances I get very angry with him (which I know I shouldn't) and start argueing, instead of being understanding and supportive. I know he feels even worse and I deserve it, I just hope the light is somewhere at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for the help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): The key is to communicate!Being polite is nice but it won't go this way forever so, tell him your feeling!Time heals hurt! so don't be pushy.Things can work out if you believe in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): The very sad, real situation of the aftermath of a spouse’s betrayal.You are very, very lucky that he loves you enough to want to try again and that he is back home. It is going to be very, very hard but with total honesty from you , this marriage can work. You betrayed his trust, you tormented him by your betrayal. You affair was the worst form of betrayal. Ever. Slowly, pick up the pieces. Yes you both are very unsure of being with each other. You need to slowly win back his trust again. Well, he also needs assurance that you will not fall into bed with another man when your marriage heads in trouble again. You just cannot say you are sorry, you need to show him and you need to be the best wife you can be. You both will struggle to communicate, struggle to trust, struggle to open up about what is bugging him. Right at this moment you cannot make this about you. He is suffering, perhaps just not showing you currently.His wall is his defense mechanism, with your betrayal you devastated his soul, you berated him as a man. Men visualize their partners having sex with the lover and it eats at them. Sex is a very personal thing and the fact that you strayed will take years for your husband to fully trust you and forget. That wall is his protection- from you. He would not want to be in the same vulnerable position you had him a year ago. Intimacy and passion, he is scared of that too. He will be wondering and reliving your sexual acts with this other man.Please do not try to make him feel guilty for behaving the way he is. Time will heal and you must be willing to allow him that time. Just being sorry for your affair will not salvage your marriage. You need to be a “doer” and do the right things for your marriage. This period will be frustrating for you both, but if you want this marriage you have to bite your teeth and accept this. “and I have told him all there is to tell” I am sure he had lots of questions like, why, how. Are you telling him only what he wants to hear or are you telling him the absolute truth. If he explodes and questions you, let him, better to get it off his chest than to let it fester. You also need to ask yourself why you embarked on this affair. Try not to blame your husband unnecessarily and try not to shift blame. You need to account for your wrong doing and you need to also show remorse, not just a “mere sorry”. He caught you with lies, you have undone the years together. Slowly, ever so slowly will he start to trust you. But you need to earn that trust back. Please do not demand it or merely take it for granted that because he is back, he has forgiven you. In his heart he is still hurting and is still having unanswered questions. Intimacy can only be regained once the trust is there. For now there is nothing. You cannot blame him, you just cannot. I know you want to fast forward this situation but sadly you cannot. You have to take each day, each eek as it comes. Also expect some heated arguments. If there are none, then you are in or a rude awakening. Then something is definitely wrong. He needs to know everything, and as a man will also demand to know. It will humiliate him but sadly human nature is that we want all the details. Intimacy is some much more than just sex, it’s a bond, a connection between partners. Its early days for him and who can blame him. You need to give him time. Just by coming back home, your marriage battle is not yet won. Lots and lots of work has to be done.You can help your situation by not straying again, you can help by understanding his pain, you can help by being honest, loyal, faithful. You can help by being truly remorseful. You can help by being morally sound. You can help by being HIS WIFE. Right now you cannot just demand or feel that it is your right. Right now you are on probation. He may not voice it but it is true. Marriage is so precious, you almost didn’t deserve the chance but You have been given a second chance, most people do not get that second chance in a marriage. Please make this one count.
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