A
female
age
41-50,
*till_stressed_out
writes:Ok... here's my problem... my daughter is 19, and has been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. We've always had our reservations about him, but to keep her happy, we've welcomed into our house, treating him like one of the family. He's repeatedly hurt her emotionally over the past year, and is affecting her schooling (she's so upset she had a panic attack during an university exam). They're both in university... he's not a strong student, but she helped him hugely in his final year of high school (helping him study, keeping him on track, and he "borrowed" her assignments, and cheated off of her test!. He ended up getting accepted to the same school as her, in part thanks to her. He went from a 58% average the year before to a 78%! He never thought he'd make it and as soon as he was accepted he started treating her badly... lying about where he was and who he was with, flirting big time with other girls (he always was a flirt), cancelling plans with her, and acting like a jerk, in general. It was as if he was full of himself for getting accepted and thought he had to be the "big man on campus". The whole summer prior to them going away, he was basically an asshole, and she was in tears half of the time. Prior to his acceptance, he'd treated her like she was "gold". We always had concerns about him as he's into drugs (pot...quite heavily), drinks to excess whenever he drinks, is a habitual liar, and is a big time flirt. He's always trying to make himself sound better than he is... he could sell anything to anyone! She recently found out that he had unprotected sex with a 15 year old when he was drunk at a party last summer (the first time he met this girl). On top of that, he had oral sex a couple of months ago when he was "high" at another party and someone walked in and saw him in the act. She found out about the 2 incidents a couple of weeks apart, so it seems like one kind of "cancelled" the other out. He's begged her forgiveness, and blames it on being drunk and high. We can't seem to get her to realize what a loser he is... we even had to get her tested for STDs which were negative, thank God. He's been bending over backwards to make amends (apparently), but just today, he added his "fling" from last summer back to his "friends" on Facebook, when he swore he'd stop all contact with this girl. Help! Our daughter is a beautiful, bright, athletic person(and unfortunately, too kind and forgiving)who needs to get away from this user/loser and find someone who'll treat her the way she should be treated. We don't want to drive her closer to him by refusing to allow him in the house, but we can't stand him anymore. He's hurt her unbelievably. Any advice??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (20 May 2009):
If you bad mouth him and say he's crap then she is going to defend him.
What you have to do is realise how it's stupid of her to stay with a guy like that and how it will all get so much better if she got rid of him.
When she tells you about what he's done then point out that guys who care about their girlfriends don't treat them like that. Tell her that even now, you would walk out on your husband if he treated you like that.
Just keep telling her "A man who loved you would never act like this / talk to you in that way. You are just not going to find that out until you realise that you are being his doormat and punching bag."
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): This is a tough situation for a mother to be in. No one wants to see their child in pain. Unfortunately, Your daughter is an adult and she must make her own decisions. Even if you dont approve of them. Perhaps you do not know all the details or perhaps your daughter is too tolerant, but either way, its her choice. Try gentle guidance. Talk to her, express your concerns, do not become irritated or overly emotional about it when you do as that will make your words fall on deaf ears. That really is the most you can do. Banning him from your house will only drive her to keep further issues to herself. So my advice: talk to her, offer words of wisdom, and perhaps introduce her to someone that you deem as decent and suitable ;) You never know. Good luck.
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