A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Life in quarantine has been tough recently; Dad split up from Mom (and she's heartbroken about it) and Mom moved in with me and my partner of 3 years. He broke up with Mom for a younger illegal immigrant from the U.S. (the guy's only 24, that's year younger than me!)However, it's caused problems as he keeps messaging me asking about wanting to meet up and holding parties, and whining about "Mom's PMS'ing again.".Mom's ordering sweets online and eating them in bulk to cope with Dad throwing her out and moving his younger boyfriend in.Mom is heartbroken, she thought she had it good with Dad (she's Indo-South African but emigrated here in the late 1990s) and now doesn't know what to do!How should we handle the issue, especially as I'm trying to support Mom and a boyfriend who's supportive of this but I worry about the longer term.I wonder if Dad was always gay and if I should try and be supportive of him or not; given his behavior.This has all happened over the past 3 weeks and I'm struggling to cope; I'm a freelance online reviewer/journalist but it's harder for my personal life than my work life since I never had to go to the office anyway, being a freelancer who moved around (basically... OK work life messy personal life).Really need some help here!
View related questions:
broke up, heartbroken, moved in, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): How does your father throw your mother out of her home? I would think that there are laws against that type of thing. And the best person to advise your mother is a divorce attorney. Instead of letting her sit on her butt eating bon bons take her to one. Right now.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): Most of the gay people I have come across were always gay or bisexual and then ended up choosing one special person to be with. If they were bisexual they then stick to that person regardless.
Whether you like it or not it is up to your dad how he lives his life. It is also up to your mum how she lives hers - but ordering sweets online and getting diabetes 2 or worse seems like a silly way to move forward. Lots of sugar is as bad for you as lots of alcohol or cigarettes.
You have no right to demand answers to all of the questions in your head. You are not your father's keeper and he is not answerable to you. Your relationship with the pair of them will change and it may improve if you understand this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (6 September 2020):
 You need to speak to your Dad.
If your father has decided to embrace a new partner and end things with your mother then that's his decision but it's not fair or acceptable for him to be sending unkind messages to you about your mum. It's beyond insensitive not to mention unkind to say she's PMS'ing when she's actually heartbroken and he needs to be told this.
He may well be happy with his new younger lover and life might seem peachy to him right now but he has to be held accountable for how he's handling this situation.
In following his desires and "coming out" he has disrupted and devasted two lives and he needs to be told this, face to face, clearly and confidently.
I'm not an expert but it's my understanding that you do not "become" gay, you're either gay or you're not. It's possible that your father is bi-sexual and has just fallen out of love with your mum and into love with his new partner. Maybe he was always homosexual but unable to accept it until now. Only he knows the answer.
Being homosexual is just one part of who your father is and just because you now know about his sexuality it doesn't make your whole life a lie, because that's what you're thinking isn't it?
You need to sit down with your mum and help her make a plan. Her life is spiralling out of control and the man that she loves who she thought loved her has hurt her terribly. Help her take control and take her life back.
Start by arranging for her to speak to a counsellor. Try and get her out and about, going to exercise classes or some kind of group activity where she can meet other people and make some friends. As she starts to rebuild and carve out a new life her self esteem will improve. This will take time and won't be a quick fix but it's important that she's allowed to grieve but not to the detriment of her health or the rest of her life.
I don't know whether your mother moved in with you voluntarily or whether your father insisted she go but either way the marital home needs to be dealt with and that will require legal counsel and I think it should be discussed with a lawyer sooner rather than later.
Eventually, your mother will need to start thinking about being in a home of her own and she will need financial
help with this, maybe from the proceeds from the sale of the marital home.
Finally, but by no means lastly, you need to think about you, you need someone to talk to, I think a counsellor would be best. You're carrying the weight of all of this on your shoulders, you're trying to be strong for everyone around you and you still have so much to do.
Try and make your father take some responsibility for his actions and acknowledge that he's hurt people and is still hurting people. He may no longer be "with" your mother but he still has legal obligations to her that need to be fulfilled and he needs to step up.
Keep that wonderful boyfriend of yours in the loop and let him help support you in enabling your mother to reclaim her life so that you two, in turn, can reclaim yours.
Please don't lose sight of how important you are. You've been put in a terribly difficult situation and you've been an amazing daughter and you're coping better than you could possibly realise.
I hope this helps, I'll be thinking of you ABx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): Your mother is going to have to hire a lawyer; there is no other-way around it. She has been pushed out of her own home and virtually abandoned. It is possible she might seek alimony and half of everything; if she files for a divorce. She can't move-in with you and your boyfriend. This is an emergency maneuver for the moment. Continue being a source of comfort and support; she needs it desperately. Try to discourage her from bingeing on sugar or overeating; or you'll be nursing her as well.
Your father is in no need of any kind of support right now; and nothing short of a tongue-lashing and a boot to the rear would suffice in this situation. He threw his wife out of her own house! He didn't bother to seek a divorce; and has no regard for her as person or her spousal-rights under the law!
I understand people try to be tolerant and politically correct; but when gay-people behave atrociously, they deserve admonishment and a good dressing down like anybody else! They don't deserve any special treatment or support; when they break the law, and commit acts of viciousness and cruelty. Sexual-orientation is not the issue, then it is a matter of law and the rights of others!
Your father is breaking the law! He forced your mother out of her home, and has not gone through any legal process in consideration of her legal-rights. I'm surprised that you and your mother are so passive; and just sit-back and let your father have his way. There are much better ways of coming-out to the world; and you don't cast your spouse into the street and drag your twinky little boyfriend into her house. Has he lost his mind??? This is outrageous!!!
In the end, I'm pretty sure she'll get the house; and he'll be the one looking for a place for him and his twink to live! This is an act of cruelty, and your father most be some kind of narcissist to be so incredibly insensitive!
Your mother needs some time to absorb the shock, and then she has to pull-it together. This requires legal-counsel. Get the ball rolling!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): Get her a lawyer and make him pay.Sounds like a long term marriage so he cannot kick her out of their house as legally it is half hers.Start helping her by getting her fair share.She owns half of everything go get it.Also get spousal support he must pay.hit him in his wallet.He is a low life please do not learn life lessons from him.
...............................
|
