A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts. I am struggling to get over an experience which Is effecting my professional and personal life And I wanted to share with you. About a year ago I was working for what id call a "cowboy" firm. Bad accountancy practices, awful management and poorly run. I was doing a four hour commute and working all the hours under the sun. For some reason the management in this company decided to pick on me. After about a year of being there, My own manager was rude and obnoxious, she used to tell new starters I was "a nightmare to work with" no idea why as I never did anything bad or wasn't loud. She spread my personal information like gossip , And also allowed another member of staff access to my emails so she could read everything I sent and received.. This member of staff who had access was bullying me at the time and basically the whole building didn't speak to me at all and I never took my lunch breaks because I was always alone. People were always bitching about my appearance and even my skin problems. So anyway this bully member of staff read a complaint email I had sent in confidence ( which was noted on the email) about her to the MD of the company( small company and MD was very "personal") . She read this out infront of the whole office and her bullying towards me got worse too. the my manager and the bully became close and for some reason had a fall out. My manager sacked the bully and started piling more work onto me. Meanwhile the MD of the company started asking personal questions about my love life , kept on taking me into his office to have a go at me ( just for liking a post on linkedin by the way ) and had me in tears by the end of it. He was sitting by me once and saw a message pop up on my mobile phone from an person who used to work for the company. He pulled me in his office and shouted at me, accusing me of passing on confidential financial data to him even though I'd done absolutely nothing wrong at all. That also ended in tears. He also constantly used to ask if I was looking for other jobs. Because of all the work pile up , long hours, stress , bullying and commuting I became unwell with a pretty bad chest infection, plus general flu/cold/depression. Some days id phone in sick just to take a break , even if I had holiday I'd get calls asking to work. The "HR" manager decided to call me in to his office to ask about my sick leave. Which is understandable but they accuses me of them being fake and that he will refuse to pay anymore sick time , staying that it could go to court with a hr solicitor. He then refused me holiday for a funeral because I'd booked 6 days in advance rather than 7 days in the handbook.that ended in a screaming match lol. Anyway, long story and lots more to it but I am struggling to move on from this. The mind games the MD played with me , making me feel paranoid, the bad memories, the feeling of being isolated with no one to talk to. The fear of being disliked. I'm in a new job now which is professional and going well so far but I still have flashbacks and even scared to book holiday incase it's refused. Do you think I need therapy to get over what this company did to me? I know if I ever saw them again my actions would not be pleasant , I just can't forgive and forget, I wish id said and done things different . I tried to leave on good terms until the MD shouted at me across the room for not doing a quotation on my last day while I was training two people to do my job. They hired three people to do my one job position- another slap in the face as I was asking for help for a year or so.I wish I could warn people against this company.They have ruined my mind, anyone have any advice on how I can get over this? I just wanted to share my experience and let people who are going through this know that they aren't alone :( Thanks
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 November 2016):
 Yes get some professional help. Yes you may have been bullied. But things like holidays and sick leave are much stricter where I work. Generally I wouldn't be allowed to take time off for a funeral unless it is immediate family, and also generally wouldn't book a holiday unless I am sure that I can get it off work first. Also I don't get paid for sick days, nor would I expect it.
The thing is that yes you did have a tough time and yes you probably do need help. But I also think that you are a sensitive person and where not cut out to work in this company. People are and can be cruel. You need to stand up for yourself. Maybe get more self confidence and build from this experience instead off allowing it to bring you down.
A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986  +, writes (22 November 2016):
I don't think what your manager or the worker should have decided to bully you at the cowboy pile job at all. And it wasn't right of them to read any of your personal emails out loud for anyone to hear. The job is suppose to be supportive towards to you. I am terribly sorry that you had go go through all that. I agree with honeypie and wise owl, counseling does help when you have a personal crisis.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 November 2016):
 I am truly sorry that you have suffered this unacceptable sustained and nasty bullying. It would have been very distressing.
There are strategies that are available to you that can make a positive difference and I will explain, below. But first it is good to get to know the why and how and justifications of the Bully so that you can recognise this toxic animal if you ever encounter another one. Forewarned is forearmed.
Bullies are invariably inadequate people who enjoy hurting others. But they have no shame about doing so. Their inhumanity towards others is so unkind and so hard to understand by a person being bullied.
No wonder bullies cause so much pain.
For often the bullies action and responses are irrational but are also designed to deliberately cause pain.
I would never ever wish for anyone to be bullied. I think bullies are the SCUM of the earth. They get away with it because they are practised manipulative liars.
Though the bully does not want you to become more assertive and stronger and able to see through the bully - you can do just that and you can rise above the bully. But it takes some work on your part.
Please accept that bullies look for people who threaten them or who they (irrationally) think threaten the place (workplace, group, organization) in some way.
Bullies feel entirely justified in doing the things they do to bully a person. They think they have a right and the power to bully. Except they don't accept that their behaviour is bullying, even when anyone familiar with bullying can see that it is bullying. Bullies. look for a point of difference and they think they are doing the world a service, and "helping" by "correcting" those they see as a threat.
There is no doubt that bullying causes extreme stress and disruption in the life of a person bullied.
There are things you can do for yourself and there is counselling that will help you.
However another important aspect is for you to understand the way a person bullies so that you are more alert in the future, for the signs of bullying.
And to accept that once you learn about how a person bullies and the stages they do go through to bully a person that you can take assertive action to counteract the unacceptable bullying.
Biderman's Chart of Coercion is worth studying. Robyn Mann developed it as a result of studying bullying.
Here is the chart: http://www.mytoxicboss.com/torture.html
Bullying is a form of violence against an individual or against others. Sometimes bullying is so bad that it can escalate in some situations into a form of torture.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201002/workplace-bullying-applying-psychological-torture-work
Bullying is never acceptable.
Bullying can be domestic (in the home) and institutional (in a school, a Church group, a jail) and it can be work related (in a workplace).
It can be social (in a group or a club or a sporting group).
It can be psychological bullying that leaves internal scars, it can be violent and leave physical evidence.
Sometimes bullying can be so brutal as to end in the death of the victim.
A bully does not just bully one person.
A bully rarely bullies alone. They have other willing participants who give overt or covert support and "underlings" to allow the bully to bully. Think Draco Malfoyle in Harry Potter who had Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe to back him up. Not to mention his father Lucius Malfoyle.
a Bully will normally bully multiple people over a series of years. And they will have people they bully who are at various stages of bullying according to the Chart mentioned above.
The only time the bully will let up is when they think they have destroyed you and they have moved on to a new person or persons to bully.
Think you can convince a bully to look rationally at the situation ? Think again. Bullies are practised liars who sincerely believe their own lies.
Best to not react the bully expect.
Once again study the Biderman's Chart of Coercion. By reacting as a Bully expect the bully then feels they can keep doing more of the same to you and escalate the bullying.
It is very difficult to NOT react as the bully expects but stay all calm on the surface and paddle like a duck below the surface. Keep on reminding yourself that a Bully has a REAL inadequacy about themselves. It is why they bully. Though it is NOT a valid reason for the bully to bully. Bullies rarely ever see themselves as the problem.
Getting out of a situation where you are being bullied is the most positive thing you can do for you. But sometimes leaving a job or a school or a group is not immediately possible.
However you can do things to help you survive and rise above the bullying. And go on to better things. But do NOT expect the bully to help you do that.
You are the one who can make these things happen.
Rebuilding your own self esteem is essential. The bully is of no use to you in this task. This task is down to you.
Improving your own Emotional Intelligence is a great way to start. You do have rights. You are NOT to blame for the inadequacies of the bully who inflicted all this pain on you. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/emotional-intelligence-eq.htm
Calming you inside is also a way to strengthen you and for that I do recommend Mindfulness.
Although a trained Mindfulness person is a great way to get acquainted with how mindfulness operates you can do it for yourself and here is how:
http://www.livingwell.org.au/well-being/what-is-mindfulness/creating-your-own-mindfulness-exercise/
also see Mindfulness at Jim Hopper’s page on Mindfulness and Kindness at www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness.
Counselling is or can be expensive unless you have an empathic wise great family member prepared to give you great support and who understands the dynamics of bullying.
Instead a couple of sessions with a well equipped suitable counsellor who understands the dynamics of bullying will help, if you can afford that option.
Sadly do not expect a fellow colleague to support you. Most people want to melt into the woodwork rather than support a victim of bullying as they know that if they help the person bullied then the bully may turn the bullying blow torch on to them. Or worse they may tell the bully about how deeply distressed you are feeling and that will only give the bully more reasons to bully you.
You do not need to try to warn anyone about the company. Because the sort of companies that are ruled and ruined by bullies eventually find that rampant absenteeism indicates that it is a toxic place to work. A high turn over of staff also tells that is a NOT Ok work place. And those who leave never want anything to do with the company again. Plus the inevitable fall in morale and falling sales all take a toll on such toxic work places. Bullies cost a business millions of dollars and if those at the top cannot recognize this then the company deserves to fail.
If people in an organisation or group cannot recognize WHAT is bullying then how can they ever stamp out the bullying? Low Morale, high turnover of staff, diminishing client base, sales down, and they still CANNOT identify what is bullying? They then are part of the problem and the problem is far too big for you to change their minds if they STILL think the behaviour of the bully or bullies is OK. (When it is not OK). So please focus on you and do not try to "warn people against this company"
Try to also develop your own personal interests to focus on ways to keep your body and your mind in good condition. Start a walking routine every day, or if convenient, join a gym. Physical exercise really can lift your mood and make you feel better.
Focus on eating healthy and ban anything that you deem as unhealthy.
And do not associate with people who put you down. Because you deserve better than that.
On a positive note start a daily journal and give yourself:
1. a green star for each day you do some physical exercise.
2. a gold star each time you do something that actively helps improve your self esteem
3. a silver star anytime you do something that is assertive on your part and demonstrates a positive focus by you looking after you.
If you have ample funds then a lawyer can help you. But lawyers are not cheap and sometimes the act of an ex-employee taking on the old firm can attract such bad publicity and attention that you may feel like you are being hounded and bullied all over again.
Plus the publicity can cause you to be seen as Poison to other employers who may unjustly see you as trouble. Bullies LOVE destroying people and one way they can do that, if you have a lawyer, is to string things out as long as possible (being slow to reply to your lawyer) and taking a long time to get back to your lawyer or cause your lawyer to have to get back to them to remind them that an answer is required - that it ends up costing you far more than you expected.
The company, if it is a company that feels justified in all they did (even though you and I know it was bullying) will have deep pockets to pay their lawyers, but do you have deep enough pockets to take the company on?
I would rather see you rebuild your life, your awareness and your emotional intelligence and enrich your life with positive experiences and mindfulness and assertive responses such that you come out the winner in every way and go on to build your career.
There are good employers out there who do have effective policies and procedures that raise awareness on what is bullying and how to deal with bullying and who are alert for signs of bullying and do not put up with bullying in their work places.
I know that things seem very bleak right now, but you CAN rise above this unacceptable targeting that you have suffered. You CAN start building your career and develop a stronger future for you.
You can go on to find an employer who values YOU for what you are capable of doing for the company.
And rather than an extended holiday away right now do work on doing something for you that is positive and supportive and GOOD for YOU every day, no matter how small. At the weekend aim to include one activity that is also positive and can make you feel better about you and is not harmful to you in any way. For example: a foot massage, a walk in a pretty part, a visit to a art gallery, a bunch of flowers for you.
Because you do deserve to be treated well, always.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): I agree with aunt Honeypie and uncle WiseOwl. You need counselling - both from a therapist as well as a legal advisor. They better know that they can't get away with crap like this. And they'll get the message when it burns a hole in their pocket.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2016):
 I agree, if you have/had good evidence a lawyer could have a field day with this company.
Would counseling help? I think so.
Mostly though if you are sort of beating yourself up for sticking it out as long as you did, you need to stop. Unfortunately a LOT of people "suck up" bullying because they don't want to be unemployed. (which can seem scarier than being bullied by co-workers)
LEARN from this mess. If you find yourself in a situation with people bullying you in a work situation, DON'T take it in the future. KNOW what policies the company has for a healthy work environment and harassment. What you suffered weren't "just" it was a combination of alienation, harassment and creating (the bully) a hostile work environment.
This sounds like an absolute hellhole to work in. And I'm glad you are out of there. People like your former co-workers are disgusting. My guess is the productivity and creativity is/was super crappy. Not a good workplace at all.
I went to school with a woman who went through a job like yours (she stayed for 3 years ) and had a breakdown and was consequently fired. After she got fired she started to feel GREAT. She found a new job and started working as a life coach of all things. She became a whole other person. She found her path in life.
DO NOT let this ONE crappy job define you.
If you think counseling could be an option, try it. But PUT in the work needed.
And DO NOT let this ONE bad experience make you fear the new job you are in. It's NOT the same place, not the same people.
BE glad you are away from that crappy place! But with counseling learn to put it FIRMLY in the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): A little counseling might be what you need. If it's affecting your job performance and you can't shake it on your own, you may need professional therapy.
If you are prone to be oversensitive; it wouldn't hurt to toughen-up a little. You're likely to encounter what you've described pretty often in the workaday world. Workers are people, so you encounter bad human behavior wherever you go.
Hopefully, you're now out of that kind of work environment.
Small businesses tend to be poorly run, full of odd-balls and creeps. They are careful about hiring anyone who is too aggressive, assertive, or conservative; because they'd know how to build a case against them. You may be the timid type, so you were easy prey.
I'm sorry about your bad experience. If you have good evidence to support your experiences; a good lawyer would have a field-day in a harassment lawsuit. You may still seek legal advice to determine if they may even settle on handling your mental-healthcare expenses. In any case, you would have to learn to move past the traumatic experience and heal. A little professional counseling just might get you there.
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