A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So 2 weeks ago I told my bf things are over. Every day since, he has been waiting for me in front of my house when getting from work to try and fix things. I dont want him back. Moreover, I have been spending the last week at work until crazy hours (even 9pm) (normal hours are 8-15). So he went all jealous on me.We dont live together, i have my apartment. Tonight, the first thing that came to my mind and that I will do if the scene repeats tomorrow is to go back to work and talk to a guy i know there. The crazy thing is that this guy at work, despite being married, is a very good person and i know would listen to me and give me advice. The problem is what will he think of me? Will he think me weak? Needy? Will he despise me? If he ever was attracted to me, will it all go away if i show myself as needy?Might seem strange that I worry more about this guy at work that my ex threatening me but the reasons why i broke up with my ex will not change, therefore there is no reason to dwell on that.Any advice is welcome.The big question here is: showing yourself vulnerable in front of a man you like will likely make him go away? Or get him closer to you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): what exactly do you want from this married guy? do you expect him to become your protector?it's inappropriate for a single woman to be confiding to a married guy she doesn't know all that well about her angst over her love life and wanting him to somehow get involved in sorting out her love life. It's one thing to ask a married guy to maybe help change a flat tire on your car if (a) it's an emergency and you're somehow unable to do it yourself although personally I think all women should be able to change flat tires themselves because it's such an easy and basic task, (b) there is no one else around to ask for help except him. this is an impersonal type of help-giving so it's alright.but whenever you ask someone to help you sort out your love life, you are asking them to get involved in something that's extremely personal to you. This is why it's inappropriate to ask a married guy to get involved in your personal life. You should ask close friends or family first. if that's not possible then you should ask your female friends or coworkers. if that's not possible then you should ask your platonic guy friends whom you have a "brother-sister" type of relationship with.if you go to this married guy for help with your ex on this highly personal issue, yes he will think you're weak because it's YOUR private life, so YOU should be dealing with it on your own and with your inner circle of friends and family if you can't do it alone, and not involve him. or he will think you're trying to start something with him despite knowing he's married and this won't make you look good.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): Just to clarify something upfront: there's a big difference between being a damsel in distress (meaning a chronically needy woman) versus a normal woman who is going through an extreme emotionally difficult time in her life and needs support (such as mourning the death of a loved one, going through a divorce, dealing with terminal illness etc.)Chronically needy women are those who over react to every normal problem that life throws their way and need people to do things for them which they should be able to do for themselves (and preferably they want a man's help rather than from another female friend). in my experience, the only guys who are actually attracted to "damsel in distress" women are of two types:1. Men who are controlling. The damsel in distress gives them the chance to be chronically in control of the relationship. This is bad for YOU because eventually some day you will get tired of being controlled when you AREN'T in distress. but now the relationship is built on the power dynamic that he is in charge, like a parent-child type relationship.2. Men who are weak themselves, and lack self esteem. The only way they can feel 'manly' is to feel superior to someone i.e. their partner. , which they get to do if you are chronically needy. I think initially they will be very attracted to you and will love coming to your rescue because it makes them feel good. Over time, though, they may start to get bored of it or become resentful as the novelty wears of and they're not in the mood to be rescuing you but you're still relentlessly expecting their help.3. Men who are co-dependent. This is a common toxic relationship dynamic: needy woman, and "knight in shining armor" man. The woman is dysfunctional cos she can't take care of herself the way a normal able-bodied adult should, and the man has a "savior complex" whereby he NEEDS to be needed to feel OK about himself, he derives his self identity from being a savior of people. But beware...co-dependent relationships are very toxic and eventually the man becomes resentful, feels smothered, loses respect for you, and that kills feelings of love and intimacy. but he will be feel compelled to stay in the relationship because his sense of identity is tied to it.so....my answer to you is that it is not attractive to be a damsel in distress. A man who would find you attractive initially, eventually won't anymore if you continue that way. And if the man continues to be attracted to a chronically needy woman then beware because this means he has serious issues of his own that can kill the relationship even if he stays in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): Men generally behave well when faced with a damsel in distress. But this guy is married and you are dealing with a troubled ex. That`s hardly the same as breaking down in your car and requiring assistance!
It sounds as if you are over looking how serious this situation could become with your ex. Instead of making things worse by trying to rope someone else`s husband into your situation, you need to deal with this ex promptly. If he is outside your work waiting for you, either call a cab and get home safely or call the police and have them caution him to move on and leave you alone. Tell your friends and family he is following you around and ask THEM to look out for you. Dont just ignore him and be seen leaving your work with another man. That will only serve to make your ex suspicious that you dumped him for this poor unsuspecting guy and things could escalate.
Be cautious and sensible. Deal with this ex situation by other means, legal if necessary. You mention your ex has threatened you. Take heed and be safe. This married man wont thank you for involving him in things. Trying to use this situation with your ex to cultivate something with him, will only lead to more trouble.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 You have an exboyfriend who is showing up at your house every day for 2 weeks? You have a stalker.
Rather than ask a married friend for help, which will entangle him in an already ugly situation, and create chaos in his home and love life (which, by the way, doesn't involve you as he's married), get some law enforcement or legal help!
Contact the police or consult with citizen's aid if you have such an agency in Spain and let them know you are becoming fearful. Rally your friends and notify your apartment building's management and security. Invest in some good locks for the door and carry a whistle with you, as well as having your mobile set to dial for the police if he's there.
Worrying about your married man crush is the least of your problems. Get sensible, you seem to be confusing friendship with a hope of dating the other guy.
So in answer to your question, yes, I think it would be apparent that you are hoping married man will be the knight in shining armor who gallops up on his horse to save the damsel in distress and that will make you look really rather pathetic to the guy, sorry. You have a stalker and that's what you should be dealing with.
Get smart!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): First thing first. Tell your ex you guys broke up for a reason and you don't want to get back together. Tell him he needs to leave you alone and if he bothers you again, you will call the police. If he does bother you again then call the police.
Second thing is your co-worker is married. I don't know why you want to mess with someone else's marriage. It's something that is between him and his wife. Now days too many people think marriage is a joke. Don't get involved in someone else's marriage because your relationship failed. It will come back to you way worse.
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