A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've asked a few questions on here lately because I'm in kind of a messed up relationship but today I know I have to walk away from it.Two years ago I was raped and my boyfriend was totally unsupportive. After he brought me home from the police station he left me in my home alone and I think he went out with his friends. Even when I was at the trial he didn't sit by me, he actually text me while I was in the witness box calling me a slut :(. I have now booked an appointment with a counsellor to try and work out the issues I have. I got compensation for being raped and I know everybody believes me.I think the reason he was the way he was because I found out he takes drugs. I took some with him when he offered me some, and I'm disgusted with myself for doing it.He went out all weekend taking drugs and refusing to say where he was. Usually when we have arguments I completely ignore him because he gets nasty and says vicious things on texts. But I text him asking where he was and he's ignored me. The only thing ive received is that I'm messed up.I dont want to be with him and when he acted like that during my trial I swore that I would never see him again. But he ended up being nice and persuaded me to get back with him. I have this terrible way of taking back absolutely anybody even if they treat me terribly.Ive text him about a million times and in getting so angry and saying nasty things. Even though I dont want to be with him or want him in my life in getting upset that he isn't replying. How do I walk away from a vicious person. How do I stop feeling like I need a reply from him.I am going to counselling this week but I'd like some advice on how to deal with the way he is being.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): I think I realise how bad it is when I start texting in a rage though anonymous. Just because he's done it to me it gives me no rite to behave that way myself. I just feel really hurt by it all and this relationship isn't bringing out the best in me, just my very worst. I never want to act like it again. One good thing thats come out of it I suppose, I'll learn to be a better person from it. Nobody is an angel and I'm sure ive done wrong to him at some point in time. I only brought up the trial as an example of being such an idiot for taking back a person who would do that. Thankyou everybody who responded, you're very kind.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): Thanks for the advice people, I appreciate it. I know what I have to do, its just hard doing it! However to the male anonymous writer the whole time ive been with him whenever I tried ending things with him he's not left me alone, one time I said it was over he text me so much I went to my texts and it said I had received over a thousand texts in the space of a week. He kept ringing my place of work and he once made me get in his car because I went out one night while we were apart and drove me miles away. There are so many more things that he's done and I'm an idiot for ever going back. I suppose I'm getting angry this time because I think the silence means he's preoccupied with somebody else. I hate feeling like nothing because not only has he done horrible things to me but he's probably cheating too. It kind of touched a nerve where you sound a bit dismissive of the rape because its over now, it wasnt his mate he doesn't know him. Its hard yo get over being raped when I have a partner who calls me a slut all the time. Sorry if I sound a bit short but I think that's his attitude too. Its over now, deal with it
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 You "walk away" by trying to remember that the assault will progress to things worse, like death. He's an animal and you are better than that so get away and don't look back in order to save your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): i dont know if you are still in your dilemma but this is my best advice.Stop texting him and take up knitting to keep those fingers occupied because if you havent stopped he will be suing you for harrassement and he will have a very good case and will win!I hope for your sake that he has thrown away his simm and the messages are just lost in the ethernet.Also throw your simm away. Cut it in half and get a new one and swear never to contact him again.About the rape:that is now over and done.Good for you for having the guts to testify.Shame on him for his stupid text.Perhaps the rapist was a mate of his.If you can arrange to leave th area just do so because you need a fresh start away from all this.Try volunteering overseas looking after turtles,wild bids or anything else that cant hurt you and where you will be part of an appropriately similar aged group.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 You've been sexually assaulted. You've also been emotionally assaulted.
You won't be able to recognize that until your thought processes have been worked through in a supportive and healing way.
The rape was 2 years ago and the aftermath must have been very traumatizing as well.
I'm sorry that it's taken so long for the system to allow you to find the help you needed back when you experienced the trauma of rape.
I would accept for now that you need help and that you will receive it. Go to http://rapecrisis.org.uk to get some back up from people who will know what you've experienced.
You wrote some sentences that suggest you know intellectually that things need to change: " I have this terrible way of taking back absolutely anybody even if they treat me terribly.
Ive text him about a million times and in getting so angry and saying nasty things.
Even though I dont want to be with him or want him in my life in getting upset that he isn't replying.
How do I walk away from a vicious person. How do I stop feeling like I need a reply from him."
So why is it a habit?
I can understand becoming angry and wanting to say nasty things to a guy who called you a slut on the witness stand. So what you need to work through, WITH A PROFESSIONAL, is why you would take him back.
Do not skip or avoid that counseling appointment. It is crucial to your recovery and your help, just like taking the right medicine would be to a cancer patient. Skip the medicine, and you may not get well!
So have that appointment and contact that organization. Come back in a month and let us know how you are managing.
Best wishes to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): The worst male-personalities know how to find just the right kind of female they can easily manipulate and intimidate.
When he met you, you probably had low self-esteem, felt insecure about yourself, and suffered through several failed relationships. You didn't happen upon a guy who suddenly turned to drug-abuse. He was a user and a loser all along. How you couldn't see it, perhaps because you wanted someone to take care of you so badly. So you overlooked all the red-flags. They were always there, you chose to ignore them.
By the time he got to you, he could see your frailness; and knew you were perfect for him. Someone he could walk over, and wouldn't be strong enough to fight back or stand-up for herself. He a druggie. They have the charms to pretend to be nice enough just to get you close, trusting, and within reach. Like when you offer sweet fruit to a shy fawn, or crumbs to ducklings.
Frail women look to to men for strength and protection. Not realizing that weakness of character is a real weakness in men. That kind of guy is what you need to be protected from! They're cruel and dangerous.
Convince yourself of what he really is, and see him through the eyes of reality.
Prepare to get a restraining-order. Remind yourself of the fact he has no respect for you; so contacting him is really inviting him to talk trash to you. He inevitably will; because being so easy to intimidate, you almost disgust him. He faults you for being raped and doesn't believe you. So talking to him should remind you of every horrible moment of your life. He'll fake nice for you; it's because he doesn't think you're very smart, and you're a sucker for it. If only you could read his thoughts. You wouldn't want to talk to him.
You will never block him, nor will you stop trying to reach him. You need to hand your phone to a family member; and get a temporary phone you have to activate with a service card. He will be relentless in trying to get you back; because he has so little respect for you, he couldn't live with the fact you became strong enough to reject him. So you need help in doing so.
At the same time, stop giving-in to that lying little voice telling you you're not strong enough. It's not true!!! You're strong, because you left him. You are a lot stronger than you think. You'll see.
Thanks to that jerk, you probably have no friends, became distant or estranged from your family. If that wasn't the case, you'd have someplace to turn other than coming to this site. Counseling offers you someone professional and licensed to talk to. A way to avoid feeling helpless or trapped; and a resource to help you make a transition. Form dependency on a relationship, to independence and self-support. You also need professional therapy for your emotional-trauma from sexual-assault and domestic abuse.
Very strong women often pull themselves out of these situations; but they still need help. So counseling is your avenue of support; until you can become assertive enough to pull away and move on. It is unfortunate, because from your description of your dependency on your relationship; you may go looking for another man too soon. If you don't give-in and take him back.
No matter who you have to support you, or how much therapy you get; you are the one who has to dig deep into yourself and help yourself. The strength to survive comes from within. For those of us of faith, we pray and turn to our spiritual leaders for guidance. We turn to family to fill the void inside us with love and affection. You can't always turn to men for that. Sometimes other women are what you need to help you to pull it together as well. You have to overcome the mindset that having a man makes you feel protected. Especially the one you turned to. He is the one you need to be protected from!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2015):
 If you don't live together, first thing I'd do is change my locks (if he ever had a key), I'd then BLOCK him on the phone, Facebook etc.
You are expecting some kind of validation from him, even though you never got and never will. ACCEPT that. He rather BLAME you for the rape than the guy who did this to you. Might be out of "feeling helpless", but honestly I think it has more to do with the fact that he (like MANY men) don't understand rape at all. He doesn't understand that the biggest threat and predator of women are in fact men.
IT IS time for you to focus on what's important, YOU. Which means leaving him "behind" with the rest of the nasty past.
SEE this as an opportunity to move forward with as little "bad baggage" as possible.
You can't change who he is and how he acts. ALL you can do is control HOW you react to it. You know texting him a lot doesn't do anything positive for you. Not for him either, but for now I say SCREW him. YOU are what's important.
CUT him out of your life, maybe even get yourself a hair tie (or rubber band) put it on your wrist and SNAP it every time you want to text him or talk to him. Snap yourself out of it.
He can do nothing for you, he can't make everything better, nor does he seem to want to even try. YOU need to do those things for yourself. Counseling is a GREAT start.
Chin up, you CAN do this, you already know that you don't NEED him in your life.
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