A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so today me and my mom where talking and my sister who is 28 came up in our conversation. It happens to be that my sister still lives at home(Never had a boyfriend) and that's not the problem but what is is that my sister has poor hygiene. I love my sister so much and we get along very well but we don't know how to go about telling her about her hygiene problem. She hardly showers, doesn't keep up with her body at all and dresses poorly. She is actually slim and is natural beautiful but my moms afraid she will never find a boyfriend and is afraid she has low self esteem. I myself have no way to communicate this with my sister because its feminine thing and I don't want to get her mad. If I could get some advice on how to go about getting the message to her I would greatly appreciate it. Thank You In Advance.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Haha, anonymous, that reminds me of a colleague of mine's story. She once got her step-dad deodorant for his birthday, because he never used it! He'd change shirts two times a day and shower every day, but still, he did stink. So she gave him the deodorants and perfumes, and he just looked at her and said "What's this for, I don't use these things!".
Just tell the person instead of giving them hints and deodorants and soaps. It is far more likely that they get embarrassed than offended. Which is probably the case of the story of your mother, anonymous. I don't think the co-worker was angry with her, I think he was mortified and didn't dare speak to her ever again. But hey, you can't be buddies with everyone anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): if her body odor is offensive to you, then you do have the right to ask her to shower more or use deoderant. I had a coworker in the past whom I shared an office with, who didn't shower and who had very strong and bad body odor. I'm sorry but it HAD to be my business, because it was affecting my ability to concentrate at work. In the end, it was our manager to told the guy, in private, to shower or use deoderant. And no it wasn't a set up - it wasn't because I was too scared to tell him in person and went to the boss instead. The manager stopped by our office a few times and that was all he could take, and being in a position of authority I guess he felt more comfortable broaching this subject with the guy than I did. I was so relieved.my mom had a different experience. She also had a coworker who had offensive body odor. My mom tried to be tactful but it backfired. during christmas she gave her coworker a basket of bath oils and lotions. The co-worker got very offended and didn't talk to my mom anymore so things between them were strained. (my mom retired about a year later so that solved that problem!)bottom line: if your sis' body odor negatively impacts you then you should tell her, but she may not take it well. but at least you would have tried.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Oh, I would just mention it briefly at the most inappropriate time. Next time everyone is at the dinner table (especially if you have guests), say something like...Jeez, you stink! Why don't you go and have a shower?! It smells like we're all at a garbage tip...
If that doesn't work, nothing will. But I agree with some of the other agony aunts about it being none of your business if she doesn't have a boyfriend. That is for her to worry about.
She might or might not ever find a boyfriend. Whoever said life was fair?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think she is depressed but she once suffered from it but got the correct help when she was younger. I don't see any signs as I have looked for but im thinking it may have something to do with her being the middle child. Growing up it was always about my oldest sister because she had so much stuff going on my parents focused all their attention to her. I personally don't care if she lives at home forever or never has a bf but she does smell bad and I tried to just ignore it but it has gotten worse. Chi Girl you might be right that she has been coddled to much she always procrastinates. She always waits for the last minute to pay her bills and even when I tell her like 10 times per week to do something. Its always like "I didn't have time for it ill do it next week". MY mom is going to have a talk with her to see whats wrong so ill see what that does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): it's none of your business how she chooses to live her life. She's an adult, I'm sure she's aware of how to shower and that other clothing options exist. if she ever one day comes to you and says "gee I wish I could get a boyfriend, do you have any ideas how I can do that?" THEN you can tell her all about what she should do about her hygiene and her appearance. but until then if she's fine with the way she is (not saying that she's necessarily happy, but she's decided to do what she's doing) then you shouldn't judge her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): You say she has low self-esteem and not taking care of her body. Is it possible she is depressed? Being 28 and living at home, never having a boyfriend, low-self esteem, poor hygene... all possible signs of depression. But there are more signs like sleeping too much or too little, not eating enough or eating too much, not having many interests, always feeling sad, or making comments about not being worth much?
Her hygene will improve if she feels better and feels good about herself. Perhaps instead of asking her to shower, have a real conversation about how she's doing. Ask about her hopes and dreams and see if she might be depressed.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 October 2011):
It's not a "feminine thing" to take a shower or not. Let her dress how she wants to dress, her clothes isn't part of the hygiene problem. Do what guys are best at, saying like it is without beating around be bush: be honest with her. Be direct.
"Dear sis, you know I love you, but you are starting to stink. Hit the shower a few more times a week, ok?" Then if she wants to go hysterical on you after that just leave. Message delivered. She wont be pissed off at you forever, just a bit humiliated. Just tell her she's got poor hygiene and mention the thinks she needs to improve (like shower more often, and I don't know what else she does that is poor hygiene, but bring it up as well). If no one says a word then what do you expect? If no one ever told her that she needs to take care of personal hygiene then she obviously will not do it. Living at home probably your parents are babying her too much?
Don't mention boyfriends or clothes or whatever. That's her problem to figure out of. But the hygiene thing is bothersome to everyone who comes near her. After the message has been delivered don't say anything about it for a few months. Then start using positive comments as a reward whenever she does fix herself up, dress nicely (say "you look real good today, that shirt is nice on you") or that she smells nice when you notice she's cleaned up. Nothing too obvious, just small positive comments here and there. Never any negative ones, even if she reeks.
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