A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been happily married for almost 8 years and together with my husband for almost 13. We met while at university and never really looked back. He is my best friend, we have a great sex life and aside from regular married people arguments we've not had any problems. We do not have kids. A few months ago while away on business I ended up drunk and in my room making out with a married coworker whom I have known for a couple years. We did not have sex but only because I kicked him out before things could get that far. Prior to this our interactions have been typical, a little flirty and there was definitely an attraction but nothing that I would have thought would result in this. I cannot believe it happened and I am full of regret. I love my husband and I have no desire to ruin our marriage by telling him about this. My problem is that I cannot stop thinking about it. I have been replaying this in my head over and over because the reality is that I didn't not enjoy it. I feel like I am becoming obsessed with the idea of being desired by another man yet I have terrible feelings of guilt because I really do love my husband. I do not want this to become a full blown affair nor do I have any feelings other than sexual ones towards the other guy. Really I just want it all to go away. How do I stop and go on with my life?
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affair, best friend, co-worker, drunk, flirt, no desire, sex life, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): it shows clearly you are looking for change and that is dangerous for your marriage life, don't continue with that and be open with your husband and i m sure he will start changing and he will replace boring marriage with wonderful happy marriage and you will be fine with husband.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Don't tell your husband if it was just a drunken kiss, not just yet. I posted the information below about AA and alcohol.First of all read about the issues that happened, understand, and if you find you have an alcohol problem, read as much as you can about it.Then, talk with your husband, tell him about the alcohol, the impulse control issues, and tell him about your efforts to fix the problem (assuming you actually want to fix the problem). If he say's "no way you have a problem", and he thinks you are just making it up, then maybe you do go further and tell him that you got so drunk one night that you almost cheated on him.You cheated, yes it was emotional and physical both, but next time it probably won't be. Like alcohol and drug abuse, these actions tend to escalate each time they take place. Don't think you are special when it comes to alcohol, drugs, or other people either...you are only human.Like the rest of us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I can't remember the last time I heard a cheated on person say, "Thanks, I really appreciate you bearing the cross for my own good all that time when you were keeping the cheating from me."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I see things a bit differently. Do not tell your husband especially if you are absolutely positive this was a one time thing, and you have no feelings for this guy. The thoughts, regrets, pain will fade. Maybe not for a while but they will.
You do not want this to destroy your marriage. It was your decision to do this whether alcohol was involved or not and it is now your cross to bear. It may feel good to share this with him but as the other person suggested it will be so devastating that he and your marriage may never recover from it.
My general view is that it is more selfish to tell him what happened because you will be doing it to make yourself feel better. Indiscretions happen, life goes on. Live with your mistake and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You need to tell your husband about this, honesty is the best policy no matter how stark and difficult it is. You profess to love your husband so much, yet you have these feelings towards other men, and you've already acted out on those fantasies, so you've cheated, first emotionally, now physically (yes it was just a kiss, but try telling your husband it was just a kiss) If its such a problem that threatens to ruin your marriage then tell your husband how you feel, otherwise grow up and maintain some self control and next time you're in a situation where you're flirting and almost kissing another man who is not the man who profess to love so much...then stop! Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): First, work on the marriage, and figure out why it is that you are doing what you are doing.
Get a book, and read it, "Surviving the Affair", "After the Affair", or "Not Just Friends", and you will learn a lot.
Any of them are good.
"I ended up drunk"
Go take this quiz, and realize that you are just human and humans do a lot of stupid things when under the influence.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
Being flirty advertises interest and availability at some level.
Understand yourself, and be glad you didn't go further, because if you had the images of your actions could haunt you for years, destroy your marriage, destroy your self esteem, and actually ruin your sex life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Honestly, I think you need to tell your husband. A guilty conscience can eat up at a person, so until you actually tell him what has happened, you'll keep replaying the event over and over in your mind.Affairs do happen, and it's tragic, especially when you don't love the person you had the affair with. It's amazing how a little bit of 'fun' can damage a relationship. But I really do believe you should tell your husband. Ensure him that you love him and that the male you had the affair with means so little to you. Explain to your husband why you think you did it; did you feel unappreciated? Maybe unloved or undesired? Affairs happen for a reason, it may just be a wake up call for the both of you.In saying this, expect a bad reaction. Your husband will most likely be emotionally destroyed. Counselling would do you both the world of good; a problem shared is a problem halved. And if you don't believe that, then why would you be sharing your problems on an internet forum?I hope the best for you both and good luck. x
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