A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd love some words of wisdom to help me change my pattern of behaviour in my relationship...if my bf seems down or has worries about work, etc, I always feel I need to cheer him up, and get really sad when I can't. I know these problems are not things I can fix, and I try to support my bf by listening to his worries, making suggestions when he asks for ideas to deal with his work problems, and asking him if there are things I can do to help take his mind off things (cooking for him, taking him to the cinema, etc). But when I try these things, and he still seems distracted or worried, I start feeling bad, sad, down...like I'm failing at the entire relationship if I can't be the one to make him happy and to relieve his worries and fix his problems. I know this is silly. I know that, even if you're with someone you love and are in a happy relationship, other things happen in life that can make you feel sad or stressed despite your happy relationship.I know my way of thinking could be destructive. I want to change.I want to be able to hear my bf's worries without feeling sad that I can't make him smile, and without feeling I need to fix his problems and feeling a failure if I can't, when in my head, I know it's not my responsibility to fix these things and he's not asking me to do so. He does sometimes ask me to do things/favours for him, which I am always happy to do, but I know that when he offloads his work stresses, he's doing just that, he's not asking me to fix things and not necessarily expecting me to cheer him up.Does anyone have any advice to help me stop reacting in this way?I've thought about it myself, and think that perhaps I get a sense of validation by helping other people...I was heavily involved in caring for my disabled younger sister when we were growing up, and my parents seemed pleased with me when I did something to help my sister...it's like I get my sense of self-worth from being able to fix things for other people :(Thank you for any advice.
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