A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I stop feeling jealous of my boyfriend's coworker for whom he used to have feelings? I live about 40 minutes away from him and only see him on the weekends, mostly. She and him used to work together, but she moved on to a different company and she has recently helped him get a job where she works again (this was already in the process of happening around the time we started dating). They are now on the same team, and I can't stop having thoughts like, "She spends WAY more time with him in person than I do or could", "They talk more", "He vents to her about his work issues", "They have inside jokes I don't understand", "They go to lunch together" (which I can't really do, as I work and live so far away), though to be fair, from what I have gathered they've only gone to team lunches together (I have made a point to myself to not ask this question or prod for details). He wanted to be open with me and told me he once had feelings for her a few years ago, but he was not ready to date anyone at the time. One of his best friends then began dating her, and now the two are engaged. He says he sees her more like a cousin now. They all worked together at one point, and are ALL really good friends. I'm glad he was open with me about everything and truly wouldn't want to change that, but the "ignorance is bliss" part of me ALMOST wishes he never told me (he volunteered this info, I never asked or suspected anything), because until I learned of this, I had absolutely no concerns or jealous thoughts. :( I feel like such an ugly person now. I've been out with all of them a few times and I really love the girl. In fact, I sincerely hope we develop a friendship. I'm not even sure that it's necessarily a trust issue, because I don't believe either of them are the type of people who would cheat. It's just, I find myself comparing myself to her (she's very put together, pretty, sociable, intelligent, funny, etc.) and I just feel as though I'm not good enough. And I wonder if he is comparing me to her, too, especially since he sees her so much more than me, and then he will realize I'm not good enough. It's weird, because I am usually a pretty confident woman as I have accomplished a lot for someone my age. I am 24 on my own with a successful career, I've backpacked part of the AT alone, I've lost a lot of weight, I'm a proud vegetarian. I'm proud of myself. I don't know where this is coming from, except perhaps some residual feelings from past relationship experiences. And I really, really adore this guy. And his friends. I don't want to feel this way. It's not fair to anyone. Please help :(
View related questions:
best friend, co-worker, cousin, engaged, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): Dozens of women write to DC feeling insecure about their boyfriends and their exes, or attractive co-workers.
It is normal and natural to rival with someone you feel may have been intimate or too close of relationship your new boyfriend. The fact is, you both have a past. Other people you were attracted to and more.
It's difficult to dismiss the possibilities, probabilities, and the what if's. Then there's this thing we must have that keeps relationships alive.
TRUST!!!
You are an intelligent, driven, and competitive woman. You are going to feel a sense of rivalry to any women who threatens or challenges your relationship, accomplishments, or your career. You've worked hard for what you have, and will not standby and let any woman casually steal it from you. Fine, if there is a legitimate threat.
Drive is what pushed you to where you are. You have to learn when to turn it off. Tone down the lady-testosterone!
I know it's a jungle out there. Even lions and tigers contract their claws, my dear.
Your boyfriend has been transparent and open. His friend and colleague has her own fiance; so you're just being possessive. Letting her impressive appearance play on your own lack of self-esteem. You confess a sense of inferiority by detailing her strongest traits. The typical; "she's prettier, and has a better body image. Therefore; men have no control in her presence!"
BUNK!!!!!
Why wouldn't you have the same girl-power over men?
Never mind the fact that you got the man; based on what you have going for you, girlfriend.
Your lack of trust is residual of a past relationship that meant a lot, but went south. Part of you can't believe men can have friendships with women without sex. A myth that is too often challenged by men, to maintain it's status as a myth.
You also forget that you may have to travel alone, and be trusted alone around other men. Being young, smart, and attractive in your own right. He has to deal with the same. You are also driven and competitive; he does not know to what extent such drive might push you. Your ambition may not be totally apparent to him; so he has to trust it's limits are under your control. Does he not?
Just rest assured. You both are on equal footing.
Insecurity is toxic to relationships. Of any emotion you ever have, jealousy is potentially the most dangerous. It doesn't require real evidence to feed it; only suspicion, or trust issues.
You can't always think people throw away everything they have for sex. That you can't mean more to someone than a person in their past.
He found something in you, that made him commit to you. Regardless of his affiliation with her. She found someone else, as well. They have included you in order to make you feel welcomed into the fold. They have shown each other there is someone else they love and currently significant in their lives.
He introduced you to the others as the woman he is most proud of. Don't let him down, and don't let yourself down by letting the little girl inside who comes out whenever she thinks the other girl is "prettier." That was grade school and high school. You've got your own special qualities, girl!
Allow yourself to trust. Give him the chance to earn it. So far he's doing a heck of a job.
Doubt loves to feed our insecurities. It hangs over our heads all the time. Doubt in ourselves, doubt we deserve good things; and doubt we can find love after previous failure at it.
You must trust until you have reason not to. Not distrust until your distrust is substantiated. What kind of life is that?
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 January 2014):
The way I've dealt with jealousy is to come to the conclusion that if your significant other is the right person for you they won't cheat or behave inappropriately.
If they do chest or cross a line then they obviously aren't as perfect as you thought.
Behaving in a jealous manner doesn't prevent anything from happening either. It can even push them away.
So if you trust him just trust him. Besides, his "she's like a cousin" explanation is probably true, I feel that way about my friend's and family's gfs/wives.
The first girl I had strong feelings for cheated on me with a guy she'd liked for ages. We had a fight, she was drinking at a party and that guy happened to be there.
At first I took it pretty hard but it occurred to me that I didn't do anything wrong. She is the one with the issues, so I dumped her and found someone that was even better.
...............................
|
