A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, how do I stop crushing on my boss? Every time I am around him, he says funny things and I feel like a giggly schoolgirl! I have sexial dreams about him often and can't wait for the weekend to end so that I can be around him again. Although having a crush can be nice, I would like to stop before it's too late-any advice? For information, I have known him as someone I occasionally see at work for 4 years and have always thought that he's a pretty awesome guy. But he has become my boss in the last few weeks. He invited me to meet him in a bar after work one day to discuss work stuff but did end up asking me about my boyfriend. We also went to a conference this week and he saved me a seat next to him and whispered jokes to me during the less interesting presentations. He's in his 50's, married with grown up kids. I have a boyfriend of 4 years who asked me to marry him, we're both 30. I sometimes think my noss and I have moreIin common though-similar hobbies and interests-things my bf shows no interest in. I know my boss is probably just being friendly to me. We have no other contact outside work, and I am sure it will stay that way. Although I fantasise about seducing him, I know that would never happen in reality. So how do I stop acting like such a schoolgirl around him? And how do I stop having so many sexual thoughts about him?Thanks :)
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 What your boss has that your boyfriend doesn't is his authority position. He has power and shows alpha tendencies. I don't know many men in their 30's who have everything that you want. It's harder these days to climb to the top. People are considered lucky to have a stable job already. One way to stop having sexual thoughts is to be realistic about a 50 year old man. His sexual prowess can't compete with a 30 year old. You've got to be kidding if you say you have more things in common with a 50 year old rather than a 30 year old. It would be infatuation to make you say something like that. He should not be inviting you to a bar. There are better places to discuss work stuff. He only asked about your boyfriend to see how far you would go with him.
Instead of fantasizing about how great he is, think he is just an old fart with mid life crisis needing a younger woman to prop up his ego. Think of him losing erection and not being able to get hard second time around. Think of him having white hairs on his balls. Think of his wife complaining about her menopause symptoms and him sick of hearing it. Think of him worrying about his golden days now that his wife is losing attractiveness and then the kids leaving home. Empty nest syndrome and thus needing someone to fill in the void. Think of his kids getting mad at him for finding out affair between you two. Kids who are a little younger than you and saying, "what the heck are you doing dad, disrespecting mom?"
If your boyfriend isn't doing it for you, then maybe it's time to end the relationship. It's very sad when you make love to him while thinking of someone else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): OP: thanks for the reply. I would never act on my thoughts. I just want to stop having so many of them! Going to do some long hard thinking about my relationship with my bf though. Thanks :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): The subconscious-mind is weird. It can fixate on something or someone; and completely override your logic and self-control. It whispers nonsense in your ear; and loves to tell you "resistance is futile."
You want an affair. It's your hormones doing the talking. That's where cheating starts until we try to act on the impulse and carry it out.
Fantasies and romantic crushes are just a part of our human nature. People we respect and have things in-common with make deep and lasting impressions. The objects of our inappropriate attractions reach us in places even our mates sometimes can't go. No one can explain that. I've read all kinds of theories; but there are as many as the number of people who formulate and publish them.
I've found my only remedy is a combination of time and self-control. I just don't submit to urges and impulses I know will either do me harm, make no sense, or may hurt someone else. They will nag you, hover over you; and yes, show up in your dreams. It's called temptation. We commit with the promise to resist it. It's the most common challenge to all relationships.
He's a married-man, so you tap into your sense of moral values. Nothing you could do in a romantic-sense would be acceptable or decent. You would lose his respect and definitely destroy his high professional-regard for you; if you made an inappropriate pass.
Then there is your boyfriend. Although he may not share all your interests and hobbies; that doesn't down-play his love and affection for you. The depth of his emotional-ties to you isn't always measured by how many ways you're alike, but what contrasts you have that complement each-other.
You may be a daydreamer and a person who spends a lot of time in your head. You may always see the grass as greener on the other side. Some people don't know when thy are blessed, for want of something belonging to someone else.
They wish to covet their neighbor's partner and lover.
You then have to add-up things in a logical-sense. This is where you gain more control over the subconscious-mind, that is having a field-day trying to overrule your common-sense, loyalty, and grasp on reality.
He's your boss. He's just a guy. He's some other woman's husband. If you're not happy with what you have, and feel so unfulfilled that someone else dominates your thoughts, maybe it is a time for a change. To let go of what you've held on to; in order to seek what it is you want and need.
That is, aside from what you want; that you cannot have!
You are thinking with the mind of a potential cheater, and your vagina.
You've resigned yourself to the rationalization that the man you have is deficient in all the traits you see in your boss. Then wouldn't it be logical to give-up who you have, and find someone who has what you're looking for in a man
who doesn't belong to someone else?
Stop holding on to a another person for your own convenience under false-pretenses. Saying you love the man you have may only be a rationalization(or flat-out lie); if you can't get another man out of your mind. When you even admit you can't help yourself. Fantasies fade, unless we are determined to act them out.
If you only submit to your emotional-side; your senses of principles and logic weakens for lack of exercise. Your self-control is overridden by your impulses. Then you feel at the mercy of your feelings, and unable to use your logic to bring you back to reality. You'll defy all your morals and values; and throw caution to the wind. You ignore the potential consequences. Like a criminal.
You know everything your boss says witty isn't funny. You're throwing signals out there to get his attention.
You are exaggerating the similarities you have in your head; because you wish he was cognizant of them in his head. Your fantasy is to cross the lines and break the rules, and you want the forbidden fruit.
If you continue to ignore your urges and impulses; your emotional-side of the subconscious returns control to your
logical-side. That's why we have values and principles. So we don't cross moral and legal lines, or frustrate ourselves to madness.
Ignore the thoughts. Think of other things. Concentrate on those traits that attracted you to the man you have. Or, you can turn all that energy to thinking of a way to end your relationship to become single; so you can look for a man who has everything that you're looking for that you don't find in the guy you have. It's smarter and more reasonable (and fair)than pretending you care for one person; while all you can think and lust about is somebody else.
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